Let's face it, Amazon is the closest thing we have to God. Its omnipotence gives us the internet, Its omnipresence means It is always watching (and listening), and Its omniscience knows when we're about to drunkenly buy self-published monster erotica, a trespass for which It won't judge us, because we are Its children and It loves us -- even though It privately thinks we need to get our shit together.
It turns out, however, that God and Amazon are now working together, thanks to a new Alexa skill from the Church of England. After downloading the skill, users in Britain can ask to hear a daily prayer, the Ten Commandments, or the Lord's Prayer, as well as learn about where their local church is, what Christians believe, and who God is (to which Alexa probably responds "Jeff Bezos" before telling you not to give any money to the homeless).
It's pretty creepy to hear your household devices start reciting scripture. Whenever this happens in the movies, it normally ends with a group called "the Resistance" hiding out in the ruins of a dystopic nightmare. They could probably make it sound more friendly by giving it a celebrity voice, like George Burns or Alanis Morissette or Morgan Freem- ohhh, we can't make that joke anymore.
This initiative is all part of a new drive by the Church of England to get Millennials interested in the good word, saying that platforms like Alexa "give the church the ability to connect people with God and to weave faith into daily lives, whether for daily prayers or exploring Christianity." They're planning on rolling out a version for Google Home soon, but considering that Google just removed "Don't be evil" from its code of conduct, we wouldn't bother. It's clear that Google is now an emissary of Satan and his minions, and that all there's left to do is wait until the end of days and the final battle at Armageddon between Amazon and Google.
Between the company that owns our embarrassing purchase history and the company that owns our embarrassing search history, it's hard to know which to root for. Which side is Apple coming down on? They've got our embarrassing iTunes library, so they're the real dealbreaker here.
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Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.