5

Alien vs. Predator Makes The Classic Predators Look Like Cowards

Predators travel through space in search of the deadliest prey in the Universe. In the original Predator, the creature preys on a team of highly trained U.S. Special Forces commandos. In Predator 2, it's the entire LAPD, with some drug cartels thrown in for good measure. To humans, this makes the predators a terrifying, unstoppable monster. But in Predator culture, that makes them a bunch of punks hunting deer with assault rifles.

In Aliens vs. Predator, it's revealed that the Predators capture and breed insanely deadly Xenomorphs (of pants-soiling Alien fame), keeping them in special facilities dotted around the galaxy. Are these the scary boss fights for the most grizzled of Predators? Nope, hunting them is a rite of passage for young Predators to achieve adulthood. That's right, Predators are supposed to get bored with killing Gigerian nightmare monstrosities before they're old enough to drink, yet the Predator in Predator 2 thinks it's appropriate to go after an already-too-old-for-shit Danny Glover.

20th Century FoxBarely-clinging-to-sanity Mel Gibson feels like an even match, though.

4

The Sequels To Men In Black And Kingsman Both Hit The Reset Button On Their Heroes

After observing his can-do attitude, a well-dressed old-school white guy inducts a streetwise kid into a secret agency with amazing technology and gadgets to protect the world while working independently of any government. Throughout his training, the street kid learns a lot from his new mentor, and much humor is derived from the contrast of their perspectives. Eventually, the kid loses his mentor, but it's OK because he's grown into a strong and capable agent, able to take over the mantle of the old man. The new agent proves this by quoting something the senior agent said earlier in the movie. What was that line again?

Was it "No, you won't" ...

Or "Manners maketh man?"

Clearly, Kingsman and Men In Black have a lot in common. The similarities go beyond the original movies and into the sequels, which unfortunately means that both series screw up their protagonist's character arcs in the exact same way -- by bringing back their mentors.

3

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 Turns Leatherface Into A Horny Goofball

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre made Leatherface one of the most iconic slashers in film history. With his hulking build, dead eyes, and mask made of human skin, audiences were utterly and justifiably terrified. Then The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 came out.

In the first film, Leatherface was about as inhuman as you could get. He sledgehammers ...

Orion Pictures"Aw dammit, I should have said 'hammer time' before I hit him."

... meathooks ...

Bryanston PicturesFor being a chainsaw massacre, he does like some variety in his murder methods.

... and chainsaws his way through many a '70s teen. In under 80 minutes, he proves he's the scariest thing ever to hold a chainsaw, and that's a pretty high bar to clear. And if you reached the end of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and thought his little sundown dance was goofy, there's a bomb disposal job out there for you, what with your nerves of steel.

Bryanston Pictures"Cause baby you're a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirework"

2

RoboCop 2 Credits Murphy's Entire Character Arc To His Catholicism

The first RoboCop isn't merely a schlocky action classic about some sort of robotic cop. It's also a tale of one man rediscovering his humanity. But by the time RoboCop 2 begins, all that "humanity" nonsense is thrown out the window like an OCP chairman.

Orion PicturesWho may also be a demon, because Jesus those arms.

1

Sports Sequels Always Turn Their Champs Into Losers Again

We love watching underdogs win. Against the odds, they overcome all of their obstacles and reign as the new champs. Of course, now they're not underdogs anymore. Which wouldn't be a problem, except for a little thing called "sequels." Hack writers solved the underdog paradox long ago: Knock the champ back to chump for no good reason, so they can montage it up again like the fans want.

At the end of Rocky II, Rocky wins the World Heavyweight Championship, but the story wasn't allowed to end there. Figuring that "awesome dude stays awesome" doesn't make for a compelling sequel, Sylvester Stallone (who wrote and directed Rocky III) tossed out all of Balboa's development as a boxer. Suddenly, he just sucks again, like he's got a terminal case of suck-itis.

Ultimately, Mickey confesses that he'd been handpicking Rocky's challengers and feeding him easy opponents, which unfortunately means that when Rocky finally faces a decent fighter, he gets completely slaughtered. But at that point, don't you deserve it? Isn't Rocky the corrupt bad guy of this film?

By the end of Karate Kid II, Daniel-san has been waxing off so hard that he could probably deflect bullets with those hands. He is, unquestionably, a bona fide master in both karate and nose-tweaking:

But in Part III, he's suddenly scared to enter a tournament (again), gets his ass kicked by Cobra Kai (again), and needs to be trained by Miyagi (again). They may as well have called it a reboot and titled it Karate Adult.

This pattern pops up in every cynical sports sequel. Mighty Ducks turned jabroni hockey players into world champions, then made them struggle to compete with a varsity team. Major League saw the Cleveland Indians go from total losers to ALCS contenders, to total losers again who have to montage their way to a playoffs shot. If you're going to do that, at least use the Marlins -- make it believable.

Jason Iannone can be found on Facebook and Twitter if you believe in him hard enough. Michael Battaglino is a contributor to Cracked.com. Be sure to check out some of his other work if you enjoyed this article. Jordan Breeding also writes for Paste Magazine, the Twitter, himself, and has super pillowy synthetic lips. Nathan Kamal lives in Oregon and writes. He co-founded Asymmetry Fiction for all your fiction needs.

We're begging somebody to write another Major League sequel starring Charlie Sheen as General Manager Wild Thing, so maybe pick up a beginner's guide to Celtx and start writing?

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For more terrible characters in sequels, check out How Sequels And Reboots Ruin Your Favorite Characters and 6 Characters Whose Lives Fell Apart In Little Known Sequels.

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