Between this and the fact that nearly every picture from his heyday sees him sporting the world's puffiest pair of cheeks, it isn't surprising that he never really cultivated a legacy as a sex object.
Louis ArmstrongHe looks like the actor they'd hire for a CW young Louis Armstrong show.
When he was younger, Satchmo was the classiest, suavest motherfluffer in every joint he worked -- and he worked a lot of joints, metaphorically and literally, on his way to the top. That's not to say that he wasn't bad-looking in his old(er) age, but damn. A musical legend and a stone-cold fox? The dude hit the jackpot so spectacularly that the laxative thing was probably his attempt to shave off some coolness so that the rest of us could have a shot.
Danny Trejo Was Always Ripped
Machete star Danny Trejo might have the face of an angry scarecrow, but in his younger days ... he looked exactly the same. So why is he here? Because his body was bangin'.
Danny TrejoThis is him at age 14. 
It's easy to think that back in those days, he made his money as a gangbanger or a hustler or whatever other term you picked up from The Wire. That's largely true, but he also ran a gardening business with a friend, which is where we imagine this amazing photo from 1980 was taken. We are using the term "business" loosely, however; as it turns out, they didn't even have any tools except for maybe that spade and definitely the tightest pair of shorts in the hood.
Danny TrejoWhen you're so intimidated by your buddy's muscles that you have to pull out the ol' hover hand.
By 1990, Trejo was playing bit-part gangsters in productions like Death Wish 4, Bail Out, and Maniac Cop 2, but he still found time to hang out with his old friends and do what all manly man men do in their downtime: stand around in tight denim with no shirts on.
Christopher Walken Was An Angel Of Flesh And Blood
Christopher Walken has one of the most distinctive (read: "ugly") faces in Hollywood. He looks like someone modeled him specifically to play deranged wackos and villains, but then he rebelled against his creators and started playing good guys too.
Well, to make up for giving you conflicting feelings about Nixon earlier, we're going to do you a favor now. Here, you now want to bang Christopher Walken.
This picture was taken during Walken's formative years, when he was eking out a living by modelling for Gap ... oh wait, that's not right. He was a freaking lion tamer who spent every night telling an apex predator to do tricks unless it wanted to hear the crack of a whip, those lucky beasts. As we're jerks, however, and we understand that some of you have jobs to go to, allow us to dampen your passions by showing his other circus look.
You're very welcome.
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