3

Bane Went To Jail As A Baby And Lost His Beloved Teddy Bear To A Shark

In The Dark Knight Rises, Bane shows up as a villain already so infamous that he's wanted by the CIA. It's explained that he's part of the League of Shadows, and that's a good enough reason for Batman to punch him. The movie gives him a backstory about being born and raised in the world's worst prison (which he eventually managed to climb out of, because it was also the world's worst-designed prison), but the exact circumstances as to how and why his pregnant mom went to super-jail are a vague myth. And that's probably because the more detailed version from the comics is very, very silly.

See, Bane's dad tried to overthrow the government of the small and fictional Santa Prisca, then fled because it went about as well as America's attempts to overthrow Castro. So the government threw his newborn son in prison instead. We're sure the guards loved the diaper years.

DC Comics"You had a nightmare? That's a week in the hole."

2

Jared From Silicon Valley Had A Childhood Full Of Unimaginable Horror

Silicon Valley's Jared is weird, but in a sweet way. He's the closest thing the show has to a morally minded adult in the room. He also drops a lot of hints that imply he had a childhood to rival a Bosnian War orphan. Fans have combined them with interviews and supplementary material to assemble a jigsaw puzzle of sadness.

In an interview with actor Zach Woods, he explains that he thinks of Jared as someone who achieved success by overcoming monumental trauma. Woods has written up a past for Jared that includes his parents dying in a seaplane crash, a series of terrible foster homes, and having to fight his stepdad's dogs to earn respect. That crash must have been after his biological father abandoned his family to join an Ozark militia, as Jared mentions on the show.

HBOWhich explains why his default facial expression is "desperately needs a hug."

He also mentions that CPS could never find his birth certificate, and multiple blog entries allude to his extensive familiarity with the foster care system. There is just a nonstop parade of heartbreaking neglect and abuse, all from a childhood spent in attics "paid for with endless, backbreaking chores and things no child should see."

Perhaps that's why, when Jared can't sleep, he busts out aggressive German rants that fans that have translated as Nazi slogans, as well as talk of locking people in cages and slitting someone's throat. Woods says it isn't a Boys From Brazil situation, but don't be surprised if Jared is eventually revealed to be an abused Hitler clone.

1

Slimer Was A Dead Gangster Posthumously Mutilated By The Ghostbusters

The Ghostbusters movies are set in a world in which humanity has definitive proof of the afterlife and treats it like an angry raccoon they have to flush out from under the porch. In the first Ghostbusters, we're introduced to Slimer, a ghost who likes eating and not prompting anyone to question their fundamental understanding of the Universe. He exists solely to introduce us to the wacky ways ghosts operate, and he doesn't need a backstory because anyone old enough to form memories about Halloween knows what a ghost is. Dan Aykroyd dubbed him the "Ghost of John Belushi" as an in-joke tribute, and that alone is more than enough.

Columbia PicturesRemember, Dan Akroyd is the king of unnecessary backstory.

But because we now live in a world where no minor character can exist without fans demanding to know their complete biography, Slimer was given a detailed origin for his appearance in the Ghostbusters remake -- a movie everyone loves to have calm, rational discussions about.

Slimer was written as a gangster who killed a waiter for messing up his order, only to then be executed himself. He started as a regular old ghost, but when the Ghostbusters first tried to capture him with untested equipment, they accidentally blew off his legs, turned him green, and distorted him into the ravenous mutant potato that we all know and love. Because everyone knows that good comedy is murder and spectral disfigurement plus time.

Shockingly, the part where our fun heroines horrifically mutilate the ghost of a violent gangster somehow ended up getting cut, presumably along with a scene in which the gang has to bust the ghost of an elderly concentration camp survivor who died alone and unloved in her cold and empty apartment.

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The 6 Most Half-Assed Superhero Origins Of All Time and 9 Incredibly Dumb Early Versions Of Iconic Characters.

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