The 40 Best Cracked Quotes Of 2017
Here's the type of shit we say around here. If you want to write stuff like this for us and get paid, you can start right here.
On Reality TV Shows:
"You're trapped in a room with an emotionally unbalanced woman as she screams for young girls to dance while their horrible wealthy mothers complain. It sounds like a Hell designed for souls who died taking a cliff selfie, but it's actually a fair way to describe Dance Moms. It combines all the creepiness of watching children thrust their pelvises with rich people insulting each other. It's trashy in every way it can be, and you're now a worse person for reading about it. Sorry!"
On Why You Shouldn't Hate Yourself:
"You're not weird. You're the pinnacle of evolution, a marvel of nature, part of a species so mind-bogglingly adaptable that we'd already be living on the moon if the place hadn't turned out to be so boring. It's the world that got weird."
On Ancient Beliefs:
"Most medieval doctors had no idea what was going on or what to do about it, so they would pull cures out of their asses -- literally. In medieval times, cures for diseases often called for the liberal application of shit. One headache cure, for example, called for a recipe of pigeon dung, incense, wheat flour, and egg white. Which are, incidentally, the exact same ingredients you'll find in a Cadbury Creme Egg."
On Periods And God's Law:
"Leviticus 15:19-21 is all about how unclean periods are. 'Everything she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: everything also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the evening.'
If I lived in biblical times, I would run around touching everything. I would be bath time Oprah. 'YOU have to bathe all day, and YOU have to bathe all day, EVERYONE HAS TO BATHE ALL DAAAAAAAAY!' It would probably be super fun right up until they definitely stoned me to death."
On The U.S. Healthcare System:
"If you live in the U.S., you know healthcare is wildly expensive. Or maybe you don't. Because you're dead. From not being able to afford healthcare. Supposedly, this is all a natural consequence of the free market doing its job. Who can control that market? It is so wild. So free. Like a majestic Palomino prancing in a glade."
On Ancient Humor:
"'Shitter, Beware' was inscribed on public toilets, private toilets, city streets, and even tombs all over ancient Rome. Whether this was a response to a genuine epidemic of vigilante turdvengeance or a sort of irreverent sanitation warning about hovering your wide-open anus over human remains is still being argued by historians. Not acclaimed historians, but still."
On Sexy, Young Jim Varney:
"Jim Varney, the late star of the Ernest Does Whatever movies, isn't the first person that springs to mind when you think about hot celebrities from yesteryear. He also isn't the second, third, fourth, or hundredth. While he spent business hours single-handedly killing the denim industry, however, Varney's true self looks like he could become your stepfather with only five minutes, a bottle of three-dollar whiskey, and your mom."
On The Witcher 3:
"Every interaction that Geralt has with a woman who isn't screaming 'THAT SWAMP BEASTIE STOLE ME HUSBAND AND ME CHEESES' is painful. Geralt eyefucks everything in a dress, and can't go a minute without uttering a sultry 'Hmmm' grunt. And for someone who makes a big deal about wanting to get his wife back, all of Geralt's dialogue options fall into the category of 'Fuck Now' or 'Fuck Later.'"
On A Failed Invasion:
"The invasion was being planned by a group of Haitian and Cuban exiles led by Rolando 'El Tigre' Masferrer, a man with the mind of a skink and the sexual charisma of two much uglier skinks."
On NASA Scandals:
"NASA promptly flipped their shit at this tawdry use of their multi-billion-dollar expedition. Congress launched an investigation, and astronauts Scott, Alfred Worden, and James Irwin were permanently removed from flight crew, making them the first people to be banned from space."
On Love Triangles Among Skydivers:
"Married mother of two Els Van Doren was caught up in a love triangle with two other members of her skydiving club: Marcel 'Mars' Somers (male), and Els 'Babs' Clottemans (female). Perhaps it was wise of Mars to choose two lovers with the same first name -- he'd never say the wrong one by accident. But it was less wise to abandon one for the other in the same house. Even less to leave the jilted lover alone with the skydiving gear. In an obvious move in retrospect, Babs got a pair of scissors, cut Van Doren's parachute cords, and headed off to bed. One week later, the trio leapt from a Cessna at 13,000 feet."
On David Bowie:
"Biographers of Bowie's most fucked-up phase record that his obsession reached fever pitch at around the time he was working on his 1976 album Station To Station, which mainly involved snorting coke and reading every book in his house. Eventually, he got really into occult subjects like psychic-protection techniques, claiming that they prevented brides of Satan from breaking into his mind (see: coke)."
On Staying At A Hotel For Rich People:
"I had my eye on the 50-ounce Australian tomahawk ribeye. I was scared off when I saw the letters MP instead of a price. It stands for 'market price,' but functions as a warning: 'If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.' I asked. It was $150 -- roughly the same amount it cost to clean my shit out of their chairs when I heard that number."
On Finding Dinosaur Sound Effects For Jurassic Park:
"Gary first heard the beautiful, haunting sound when he was at Marine World. It was an urgent, reptilian barking perfect for the dinosaur movie he was working on. He rushed to locate the source. His mind was racing -- what could sound so intelligent, yet so primal!? He came upon two horny turtles plowing each other, and instead of saying, 'Oh, that's turtle sex. I was hoping it was something I could use for dinosaur sounds,' he began to record them ... So the next time you're watching Jurassic Park and those scary raptors are speaking to each other, picture a man sitting outside a tortoise enclosure, watching them fuck for a very, very long time."
On Video Game Glitches:
"If you can keep Big Rigs from crashing long enough to play it, you'll find that you can drive straight through buildings, and gravity and physics have little regard for you and what a truck should be doing. You can accelerate straight up mountains, and might even fly for a while -- before the game realizes you're a truck again, and it crashes. It's the greatest argument both for and against games as art."
On Working Backstage At A Concert Venue:
"Elton John is who I remember most. We had a 16-year-old watching the door for a concert, and Elton John came up alone. Now, she was young. She might have known his music, but she later told us she had never seen him before. Elton John walked up to the door and she asked to see his pass. He told her, 'I'm Elton John,' but because she didn't know, she said she couldn't let him in ... Instead of calling his manager or someone more senior, he went ballistic. When I came to the room, I overheard him saying, 'Don't you know who I am?! I'm Elton John! Let me in my room!'
... I ran up and opened the door, apologizing to Elton John as he went in. But he stood halfway through. 'I want her fired. Now. I'm not leaving until she's fired.' I got by with 'I'll see what I can do,' and he stormed away ... We didn't fire her, but we made sure she saw pictures of whoever was performing from then on. And I can't listen to Elton John the same way anymore."
On The Guy Who Changed His Name To "Spider Mann":
"'Most of the time, my resumes/applications are thrown away or disregarded because of my name,' Mann says ... So wait, why on Prince's purple Earth does he not just change it back, or at least to something less outlandish? 'I've had discussions about this with my current girlfriend, but I am vehemently against changing it to anything else, despite all the issues that arise,' he says. 'I truly believe that a name is an identity ... I am strong in my feeling that this is the name that fits me and that embodies the type of person I am.'"
On Brain Science:
"I got to the last scan, I looked at it and chuckled. I called the technicians in, and said, 'You mixed the files? This is a dangerous person who shouldn't be walking around, a psychopath!' I had to peel back the name (on the scan). Of course it was me."
On Ben Affleck's Early Acting Career:
"The Oscar winner made his national debut in a Burger King commercial. In the spot, a young and preppy Affleck is driving around town when his phone rings. It's a young lady who's clearly on some kind of tranquilizer asking Burger King to deliver her a Chef Salad. Rather than tell her she A) has the wrong number, or B) has grossly overestimated Burger King's commitment to customer service, he goes along with it. He spots a nearby BK, orders at the drive-thru, and decides to pretend to be Burger King delivery guy, figuring this girl's so divorced from reality that she may sleep with a guy pretending to be the garbage food boy."
On The World's Horniest Priest:
"According to one of his partners, Contin even encouraged her to 'have sexual relations with a horse' and, on multiple occasions, 'beat her in the rectory,' which is not a euphemism. Scummiest of all, Contin was never without his 'briefcase full of vibrators, sex toys, masks, and bondage equipment.' Most notably, he took it along when counseling widows or women experiencing marital strife, in hopes of 'counseling' them back onto the path of holiness (the counseling was done with his dick)."
On Surviving A Shipwreck:
"The Robertson matriarch, who used to be a nurse, collected rainwater and fashioned the rubber rungs of a ladder into enema tubes which everyone could use to ingest rainwater they collected, well, rectally. (You see, the rainwater wasn't good to drink, as the boat was not only filled with the survivors, but also tons of turtle blood and viscera.) Please imagine Jack from Lost explaining to Hurley and Sawyer that they'll have to do this or they'll die."
On The Robotic Surveillance Spiders From Minority Report:
"The Justice Department is legitimately concerned with the civil rights implications of pre-crime, but has no problem with nightmare drones that torture you into complying with invasive searches? And speaking of searching, how thoroughly do you need to search an eight-year-old blonde girl to figure out if she's Tom Cruise? Do you really need to crawl down her goddamn optic nerve to solve that mystery? We're starting to think these cops just get off on traumatizing children."
On Our President:
"Trump: 'I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.'
Popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist's ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he's read is a Hitler cat recipe book."
On Wig Theft:
"Wigmaking was a process that took 'six men six days working from sunup to sundown' and a complicated pre-UPS importing system. That's a lot of money for something that looks like a Bond villain's pet died on your head. In fact, getting your hands on a bigwig's big wig was such a score that it made other types of robbery not worth the risk. Instead of slyly trying to cut a purse or pick a pocket, all a would-be bandit had to do was cut a hole or two in the back of a carriage, grab a few fistfuls of powdered perfection, and take off before their now-unsightly owners had any idea what hit them. Boom, that there's a year's worth of absinthe."
On Bad Landlords:
"The camera caught Pierce's landlord, Carlos Quijada, entering the room with his boyfriend, whereupon they began having vigorous sex on the renters' sheets. To make matters worse, this slimy landlord wiped the even slimier remains of their lovemaking on DiGiulio's wedding dress. And while she probably wasn't going to wear it again, this is the kind of thing that really sucks the sentimental value out of an heirloom."
On Tolkien Films:
On Batman v. Superman:
"Hot Take Alert: Batman v. Superman: Dawn Of Justice was not a good movie. The movie combined the two most popular characters ever with the most popular Batman story ever and it still went over as well as Jared Fogle leaping out of your child's birthday cake. The point is, you can't hate this movie any more even now, when you're also picturing Jared Fogle bursting out of a cake wearing only two inches of an Italian herb-and-cheese loaf. Some fans claim the extended, R-rated cut of the film is better. Which in this case is like saying, 'You have scrotum cancer, but good news: All scrotum cancer diagnoses come with a free cowboy hat.'"
"'Hitler couldn't stop farting and ate poop pills and was probably a junkie' sounds exactly like something we'd make up if we wanted to make the guy look bad, for whatever reason. And yet these claims don't come from some dodgy tabloid or a group of seven-year-olds fighting in a schoolyard -- they come from Hitler's actual medical records."
On A Passage Cut From The Bible About A Woman Sticking Her Hand In Mary's Birth Canal, Which Causes The Hand To Burst Into Flame:
"After Mary goes into labor, Joseph finds her a midwife. The midwife then leaves and tells another woman named Salome about the wacky shit she saw. Salome is somehow skeptical of this tale and, being a reasonable woman, decides to test its veracity by sticking her finger in Mary. Mary seems fine with that, immediately 'position herself' for the inspection. As soon she enters Mary, however, Salome cries out: 'Woe for my lawlessness and the unbelief that made me test the living God. Look, my hand is falling away from me and being consumed in fire.' (That probably needs more exclamation marks.) Luckily, an angel shows up and tells Salome to touch Baby Jesus for a brand-new hand, free of charge."
On Survival Tips:
"If you find yourself suddenly and unexpectedly adrift at sea, you can MacGyver your pants into a life preserver. First, take them off and tie the ankles together in a tight knot. Then lift the waistband high, hold it open, and swoosh your pants through the air like you just don't care (about wearing pants; you care very much about not drowning). Slip the legs over your head, keep the waistband underwater so that the air doesn't come out, and then pray sharks don't take an interest in your exposed genitals."
On Special Effects:
"One of the reasons Jurassic Park holds up so well is its use of practical effects in addition to CGI. Animatronics were used to achieve lifelike close-ups of giant dinosaurs, actors in raptor costumes created their iconic movement, and Sam Neill was used to simulate Harrison Ford."
On Exploring The Frontiers Of Science:
"So a few lessons to take from that. 1) No matter how cool it looks, one should never stand near a conductor during a thunderstorm. And 2) a blue ball of fire to the forehead does not give you superpowers. Still, this was a guy excited about science, and who died doing it. That's rad, and we're sorry to see you go, Professor Georg Richmann. And also sorry about the lack of superpowers thing, because that would have made the latter half of the century a lot more interesting and given us a couple more articles."
On Great Moments In Sex History:
"Way, way back, proto-humans had dick-bones, but evolution eventually replaced them with a complicated system of blood flow and hydraulics that can just fail for no apparent goddamn reason. Dick move, nature. Then again, it all actually had a valid purpose. Losing the bone from our boners made our penises more flexible, which helped facilitate sex in a variety of different positions. It's like, have you ever seen a rigid drain snake? Of course not.
In other words, the Reverse Cowgirl, the Spoons, the Piledriver, basically the entire Kama Sutra, all owe their existence to this mutation. Natural selection would have resulted from the fact that the first guys who could suddenly do all of those things were presumably very popular."
On Vampire Prevention:
"In the early 1800s, 200 years removed from Salem and what should have been a sobering lesson on the dangers of moral panics, New England convinced itself that it was now beset with vampires. To protect themselves, residents began exhuming corpses, decapitating the bodies and burning their organs. That's a whole lot of work, though, so sometimes they would merely flip the exhumed corpse over, which is apparently sufficient defense against the undead. Maybe vampires have a terrible sense of direction and are easily confused."
On Vengeful Gods:
"At various points, the Bible dictates that children who disobey their parents should be executed, while those who mock their parents should merely get their eyes plucked out. At one point, kids who laugh at a prophet for being bald get eaten by bears. Oh, that doesn't mean God really, really wants children to be good. He just hates kids. And you, for having kids. In fact, fuck you buddy, eat your kids. Seriously, God makes that threat a lot. In Leviticus, he warns the people of Israel that if they fail to obey his laws, he will strike them down with famine and disease until 'You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters.' In Deuteronomy, he does it again, but expands the threat to assure his people that they won't be allowed to eat their nephews instead."
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On The Future:
"If you're after realistic predictions about the chances of alien invasion, robot uprisings, or Mad Max apocalyptic social decay, then you're shit out of luck -- there are no experts on that. And if there are, this stupid comedy website is probably one of them. Here's our expert prediction: Life is always going to be weird and scary, and you'll worry about space and robots and water wars, but fantastical sci-fi scenarios are not going to kill you. Cancer is."
On Why Modern Education Sucks:
"The word lecture comes from the Latin 'Lectus,' to read. You may have noticed, however, there is very little reading involved in a lecture. A teacher speaks, and students take notes. It should be called a 'dicture,' but everybody kept giggling. The original lecture was actually the practice of reading aloud to students while they literally copied down every word you read. That was done because, until very recently, books were prohibitively rare and valuable. So why are we still doing it when books are (mostly) cheap, and information is freely available on the internet?"
On The Crisis Of Self-Driving Cars:
"The eventual takeover of self-driving vehicles is going to outright change the world. There are countless benefits, such as increased efficiency and the end of Fast & Furious movies, but by far the greatest result would be a near-elimination of vehicle-related deaths. Of course, there are some downsides, too, like the near-elimination of vehicle-related deaths. A huge percentage of organ donations come from accident fatalities, so lowering accident rates will remove hospitals' largest supplier of fresh body parts this side of backyard wrestling."
On Old Time-Religion:
"It used to be super hard to live a sinless life, and we don't mean that in a crazy hedonistic 'looking at your neighbor's ankles' sense either. Hell, just thinking the word 'hell' condemns you to one of the lower circles of the Inferno for blasphemy. (Sorry.) And woe betide you if you've ever eaten bacon-wrapped shrimp or gotten a tattoo. Christianity has mellowed a lot since those days, but to people in the 18th and 19th centuries, Hell wasn't just an abstract concept -- it was real and ugly and vicious and barreling straight at them for the most minor of infractions. Enter the sin eater. When you were a little uneasy about your loved one's chances for Heaven, the sin eater was the guy you called to come over and literally eat their sins and go to Hell on their behalf."
On Secret Landmarks:
"If you open up the right manhole near the Washington Monument, you'll be able to find a 12-foot-tall replica located entirely underground, secretly controlling the real monument's every move. It's one of a million points dotted across the nation used to monitor landmass, synchronize the government's official maps, and make sure that California doesn't try to make a run for it. It's currently sinking into the ground at a rate of about 0.5 millimeters a year. After a few million years it should eventually reach the center of the Earth, whereupon the spirit of Washington will take control and steer the entire planet into the Sun."
We'd be truly honored if you could find a way to make these quotes look pretty on a chalkboard or something, then tweet that at us.
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