Look at how frugal and relatable and totally-not-a-murderous-doppelganger he is! And what do humans from Wisconsin wash down a ham and cheese sandwich with? Milk, of course. Humans from Wisconsin enjoy dairy and devour it at all times. Unceasingly. Check out this series of glamour shots we've titled "Unnaturally Still Life, With Milk."

Scott Walker via Instagram

Scott Walker via Twitter"Some people use a straw in their milk carton, but I'm a bit of a rebel."

But Scott has a wild side, too. Like many real human beings, he has a sweet tooth. Like all human beings from Wisconsin, that sweet tooth can only be satisfied with dairy consumption. Sometimes he simply can't resist indulging in a single scoop of plain vanilla ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery. Sprinkles were deemed "too controversial."

Scott Walker via Instagram"You can ask them to microwave it to room temperature, but you can tell they don't like it."

So congratulations to Governor Walker on maintaining such a vibrant and compelling social media presence. Regardless of your political beliefs, we can all look at his posts and think "Scott Walker is possibly a human being."

Is he genuinely invested in these hypothetical relationships, writing epic fan fiction and tattooing "Destiel" on his inner thigh? Or is this the work of a harried publicist who seriously misread their audience? We'll let your fevered imagination decide, but we know which option we choose to believe.

Sometimes a publicist Tweets for him. Can you spot the difference?

Cam Newton via TwitterNeeds more umlauts.

Great Clips knows who they're dealing with, and won't waste good ad money on propaganda from R'lyeh. Can someone on the Panthers teach Newton how to remove Wingdings as the default font on all his devices so he doesn't come across like he's tweeting mid-exorcism?

Cam Newton via Twitter"13375p2ak is for quitters."

Fans have begged him to stop, and almost none of his 950,000 followers like his no-nonsense sports transcriptions, yet he keeps doing it. And doing it, and doing it, and doing it.

Norm Macdonald via TwitterWaiting for the punchline is a textbook example of the sunken cost fallacy.

Why does Macdonald persist? No one knows. Fans have speculated that it's a meta joke about the nature of broadcasting every minute of our life on social media. But those theories don't explain why he's kept the supposed gag up for years. Maybe he really needs a friend to watch games with. Whatever his reasons, he's shown no signs of stopping, so go ahead and follow him if you need real-time sports updates but have no access to a television, any sports website, or an AM radio.

The dogged reviewer's identity remained hidden until one follower used their wasted forensic talents to correlate onion ring review dates with Lorde's tour stops. They also noticed that of the account's 24 followers, three were Lorde's friends, and one was Lorde herself. This was ... possibly the more compelling evidence.

Lorde via InstagramPossibly.

Her secret passion outed, Lorde told Jimmy Fallon that it wasn't some meta commentary on the cyclical nature of life or anything -- just an inside joke between her and her friends, who genuinely liked onion rings. The greatest tragedy of this tale is that once she was discovered, the Lorde of the Rings ended her reviews for good.

Maybe there's a dark lesson here about how we're so obsessed with the lives of celebrities that even a private joke between friends becomes newsworthy. A warning that we should all reexamine the role that fame plays in our lives before we destroy the very things we love.

Lorde via InstagramOr maybe it's that the Burger King at the gas station near Hatfield needs to change their damn fryer oil already.

Alex Perry is a freelancer who wrote a novel about time-traveling stalker and a heartwarming kid's book about a boy and his genetically modified pig / organ donor. She is the mind behind this secret Twitter account. She prefers waffle fries to onion rings. Greg Tuff is trying his best to hunt down Instagram's secret model factories. Find out the results on his Twitter.

Friendly reminder that Season 13 of Supernatural is still ongoing and a 14th season has yet to be confirmed, please consider calling your representatives in Congress or someone at The CW about renewal, whichever is easier for you.

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