This happened twice.

They nicknamed it the "demon core," because it was easier to blame the deaths on an evil experiment rather than horribly lax safety protocols.

Hiromichi Matsuda"Chill, what's the worst that could hap- oh, yeah."

And then there was the case of scientist Don Mastick, who once picked up a vial of plutonium, unaware that some of the liquid inside had converted into gas. When he tried to uncork it, the vial popped open and sent plutonium spewing into his mouth. He washed his mouth out with sodium citrate and repeatedly pumped his stomach, then handed the contents to a colleague and told him to go separate out the precious plutonium. No point wasting it, right?

Mastick survived without any major health problems, though for days afterward, his breath remained so radioactive that it could affect sensitive lab equipment from across the room. Did he use his powers to briefly fight crime as a superpowered vigilante? History doesn't say, so we're forced to assume that yes, he did, and further that his name was Dr. Meltmouth.

Anyway, Mao became convinced that the place was bugged, and took to shouting at the walls that he was there "to do more than eat and shit." Which we know, because obviously the place was bugged.

But it's the shitting part the Soviets were truly interested in. According to former Soviet agent Igor Atamanenko, the Russians had secretly disconnected all the sewage lines in the house and rerouted the pipes to special boxes, which collected Mao's bodily waste each night. Stalin himself ordered secret police chief Lavrenti Beria to steal his rival's precious poop, in what was surely the stupidest espionage plot hatched this side of a Tom Clancy novel.

Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-R80329/CC-BY-SA 3.0"Dear diary: Operation: Mao Zedung was a success!"

According to Atamanenko, the Soviets were trying to put together a psychological profile of Mao, and thought stool analysis could help with that. For example, if their tests found an excess of the amino acid Tryptophan, they might conclude that Mao was a pretty chill dude. But not enough potassium would mean he was a real nervous nelly, and probably not down to party. Sadly, we do not know what results they came up with, but in a bit of happy news for Mao, he eventually got his revenge on the Soviets. He forced Nikita Khrushchev to don water wings and nervously doggy-paddle around in a swimming pool, all while Mao swam laps around him.

Luckily, even in the age of magazines, nobody read magazines.

Whittington appeared on the show as planned. Journalist Dorothy Kilgallen eventually guessed that she was a secretary in the White House, and that's how racism was ended forever.

A similar report came out of 1862, in a battle near Fredericksburg, wherein a Wisconsin regiment had gotten into a shootout with the Confederates that somehow became personal for two soldiers. A makeshift truce was called solely so the two soldiers could punch each other in the face in relative peace. A few missing teeth and bruised kidneys later, and the fight was declared a draw, and anyway, that's probably how the Civil War ended.

So they cruised around town until they spotted an elderly guy in shitty clothes, lured him into the car with promises of beets or something, and then told him he was coming to negotiate peace with the Germans. That man was Roman Stashkov, and he was only trying to get back to his village when he suddenly found himself sitting across from European royalty. He rolled with it pretty well, although he apparently kept addressing the other delegates as "master," and when asked whether he wanted red or white wine, he inquired, "which one is the strongest?"

Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-R92623/CC-BY-SA 3.0"RED!" -- every Russian leader in the room, presumably

Somebody crack a window, because we smell a motherfuckin' sitcom.

Friendly reminder that Stalin was a monster. Read more in Stalin: Waiting For Hitler.

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