12 WTF Superhero Scenes That Will Melt Your Brain Into Mush
Since even the most obscure superhero out there has appeared in roughly ten million comics, maintaining consistency can be a challenge. Generations of writers and illustrators have to agree on what makes each superhero so unique; whether it's their powers, moral code, or the amazing deepness of their chin dimples.
Unfortunately, all it takes is a few hilarously misguided panels to undo all those decades of careful cultivation -- so let's look at them, shall we? Here's the closest thing comic books get to a blooper reel:
Lois Lane Gains Weight, So Superman Treats Her Like Shit
In the issue Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane, the titular Lois gets hit with a ray that doubles her size. Metropolis' finest investigative reporter is afraid that Superman will no longer love her now that she's gained weight.
But her fears are unfounded and Superman continues treating her like a human being worthy of love and respect ... is a statement we'd type if this was a comic book not written in the Mad Men era:
"Did you hear when I said you're quite a load? Just wanted to make sure that you got the part about you being quite a load. You're quite a load!"
This was published back when Superman could push planets from their orbit without breaking a sweat, by the way. It makes no difference to him if you're ten or 1000 pounds -- he's just being an asshole. It later turns out that there was no need for Lois to hide from Superman anyway, because he knew about her weight issue all along. He just chose to ignore her to save her the obvious embarrassment that should always come with being overweight, it seems. A real class act, that fucking Superman.
Yes, Superman is the kind of douche who thinks his regular clothes are good enough for weddings.
But how did he know? Because he orchestrated the whole thing, embiggening Lois in order to disguise her from a dangerous criminal.
Hey, here's an idea: How about just GIVING HER A PAIR OF GLASSES?
Related: What Makes A Good Superman?
Behold, Swamp Thing Vs. The Killer Dongs
The colorist might be the most powerful person working in any given comic. Don't believe us? Ask comic book writer Scott Snyder, who, in a lengthy Twitter thread, revealed how a subtle change in color caused his comic to be reduced to mush by DC. One day, Snyder received a call from his editor saying there was a big problem with his latest issue of Swamp Thing. And by big, he meant blessed.
Some bending is natural, but this is ridiculous.
During his travels, Swamp Thing is attacked by one of his nemeses, who sprouts fleshy tentacles to attack our hero. Unfortunately, the editor decided the tentacles came out "a little dickish." Still not seeing the issue? Well ...
Finally, the match fans have been waiting decades for: Swamp Thing Vs. Man-Thing.
Yeah. Naturally, the comic couldn't be released with such a massive oversight dangling in everyone's faces, so the entire printing was destroyed, and the art was redone to look a bit less glandular. Of course, DC could have just changed the cover and republished the issue for the hentai market, where such a scenario would've raised zero eyebrows.
And Now, Spider-Man's Erection
Is there a more thankless and dangerous job than secretly being a superhero? Yes. Being a superhero's wife. In the special 25th anniversary issue of The Amazing Spider-Man, the newly hitched Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson-Parker are facing a horrifying emergency: Peter is in a bad mood because Mary Jane is making more money than him.
So MJ, who was just in a catatonic shock after being assaulted by Venom, now feels the need to perform a striptease in an unfurnished condo to make a powerful and beloved superhero feel like a man again.
You don't know how many times Aunt May has had to do this, too.
This is still not enough to bring Peter out of his funk, so MJ unleashes her own dynamic duo:
"I call the left one 'Great Power' and the right 'Great Responsibility.'"
The last caption reads: "Slowly, Peter's spirits begin to rise." Aaaaand now you're thinking about Spider-Man's dick. Good job, Marvel.
Hey, It's Psylocke's Rocket-Powered Vagina
When it comes to making heroes look badass, everything else gets to take a back seat -- including the laws of physics. One of the most egregious examples of this occurred in the X-Men comic Generation Hope, where Psylocke leaps into battle by, uh, doing this:
She's giving the villain an aneurysm with her impossible body geometry.
It gets even sillier when you consider the duration of the unnaturally bendy pose. Apparently, Psylocke managed to stay in the air long enough to deliver not one, but two wordy lines to intimidate her enemy. Unless her massive wedgie has anti-gravity capabilities, most of her monologue should've been garbled out through the wheezes of a very broken nose.
Spider-Man Makes Out With An Underage Girl For Like 5 Minutes
During one Amazing Spider-Man storyline, Peter Parker learns that his wife has probably perished in a plane crash, because the only difference between comics and Days Of Our Lives are the masks. When the new Spider-Woman, Martha "Mattie" Franklin, learns of the news, she rushes to Peter's side. No, not to console the broken man -- to insist he turn her into a woman.
The plane was also carrying Peter's last shaving blades.
A sad and despondent Parker barely has it in him to react, resulting in him playing tongue-of-war for (based on the dialogue) about an entire commercial break. Spidey manages to break it off, of course, only to then be horrified by the weirdly gremlin-like face of innocence staring back at him:
You know, because if she wasn't ugly as hell, then no one would buy Spider-Man forgoing pedophilia.
This Spider-Woman was later killed off, presumably just so the editors could pretend this never happened..
The Artist Who Draws All The Superheroines' O-Faces
Greg Land is, generously speaking, an artist, having worked on Uncanny X-Men, Fantastic Four and several other comics in the Marvel Universe. He's a pretty controversial figure inside the comic book world, with many calling his art terrible and even harmful, but Land cannot be accused of lacking a specific style. A very ... exciting style.
If you're having trouble placing these faces, try opening this window in Incognito Mode.
When it comes to female characters,. Land relies on a select collection of poses and expressions -- all of which point towards his heroines having learned their moves from the same pole-dancing class.
We're hoping that was originally blood.
The faces are where Land's particular sensibilities truly shine. Land's ladies always look like they're having a whale of a time, no matter if they're fighting ...
Or even, uh, dying?
A defeat at the hands of Dickbot 9000 is the most delicious defeat of all.
Dr. Doom Is Shockingly Ineloquent
Boasting the combined might of a tyrant and a doctor, Dr. Doom has always been one of the more verbose supervillains. The man just has a way with words. Unfortunately, in Mighty Avengers #11, Ms. Marvel catches him on an off day:
"Oh, I shit, did I say that out loud? I meant to type it on Twitter. Please don't tell my mom."
Sheesh, what happened to "impudent fool," "blasted do-gooder," and the like? Since when does Dr. Doom talk like he's living under a YouTube video? And last but not least, has Doom not noticed that Ms. Marvel is drawn like a goddamn supermodel?
Lois Lane Gets A Little Too Clingy
Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Lois Lane is smart, tough, and tenacious, going to great lengths to get what she wants. Especially when she wants a man. And boy, does she want a man.
To be fair, he was asking for it by dressing like that.
Early in her career, Lois' can-do attitude was mostly aimed at her wanting to do Superman himself. In one issue, she goes as far as latching onto the Man of Steel like she's an overly dependent fridge magnet. Supes' somewhat panicked response? To somersault and dislodge Lois on the concrete below, like some love-stricken tick.
And hilariously enough, when Superman comes back as Clark Kent, he gets about as warm a reception from Lois as the bugs in between her teeth from her sky rodeo.
"Get that flawless jawline and muscular physique out of my sight, bespectacled nerd!"
Daredevil Cheers Up Black Widow By Slapping Her Ass
We've previously talked about the suspicious fact that most of Daredevil's girlfriends wind up dead -- turns out they're the lucky ones. In Daredevil #120, Double D and the Black Widow are in the "on" part of their on-again-off-again relationship. But Widow is going through a personal crisis. As a female superhero, she fears losing her identity as a strong independent woman because society will only see her as someone else's girlfriend. Heavy stuff.
"But why is Captain America telling me all these things? And where did Black Widow go?"
So how Daredevil decide to help her reaffirm her individuality? Well, um ...
The only "spirits" being lifted are his (under the Spider-Man definition).
So we guess Daredevil, uh, wants Black Widow to dress as a sexually active teenager or something? That's shady as hell, but not as shady as when he does nothing when his best bud Foggy Nelson attempts to make out with her.
HYDRA agents soon crash the party and try to kill everyone. Inexplicably, she doesn't join them.
Captain America Trash Talks Himself
A big part of Captain America's job description consists of delivering awesome one-liners while punching Nazis and the like. Take this classic gem from Tales Of Suspense #92:
Let's just be thankful that his shield didn't say anything rude this time.
Uh, wait a minute. "Only one of us is gonna walk out of here under his own steam -- and it won't be me!" Yes, falling victim to one of grammar's greatest super villains, Dr. Double Negative, Cap accidentally declared that he won't not be the one needing a wheelchair after the beatdown that's about the occur. Then again, that weird backward flip uppercut does look like it would do some serious lumbar damage.
Look At This Fucking Ship. Look At It.
Superstar artist Rob Liefeld is famous for not knowing what the hell to do with feet. Well, turns out that's not the only method of transportation he has trouble with:
"The script said ship, Rob. With a 'p' at the end."
That's not a spaceship, it's a bunch of triangles and trapezoids getting hammered and having unprotected sex. Jesus wept, everybody.
The Marvel Swimsuit Edition Strikes Back
We've talked about Marvel's tongue-in-cheek swimsuit editions of the '90s, which showed all the heroic boys and girls lounging around in their skimpiest swimwear. Nobody has that little an imagination that they need to see Ms. Marvel in a slightly smaller bathing suit, though, so let's focus on the hunks in trunks this time:
First up is Captain America. Turn-offs: injustice, rudeness, Nazis. Turn-ons: jazz, patriotism, women looking up at his crotch fearing they're about to get a concussion from his precariously packaged bald eagle. And dinosaurs, apparently? Hey, no judging.
We always figured Cap for a thong guy.
And here's Thor, looking like he's about to open the 1988 Summer Olympics.
Is he shouting manly, or screaming because the water's cold?
Let's heat things up again with Colossus, looking smoking hot in his totally unnecessary jorts.
Colossus: One of the dozens.
And finally, because all these dumb comics have atrophied our synapses, here's the Multiple Man, as he intimates his talent as a one-man gangbang.
Note: At least one of the duplicates is checking himself out.
When he's not doing monologues mid-air, Cedric Voets can be found gibbering like an idiot on Twitter.
If you want to see more perverted Spider-Man scenes -- then you have a serious problem. Go learn to draw them yourself you pervert.
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