Supposedly, this all has something to do with Shatner deciding that fans of the Starz sci-fi series Outlander should stop calling for two of the actors to hook up, and it got dumber from there. A bunch of authors who had written Star Wars books happened to be among the many Twitter users dismayed that Captain Kirk was being a turd. Shatner saw this as proof that he was the victim of a harassment conspiracy by the Disney Corporation, complete with all the MS Paint arrows and red lines you'd expect from an Alex Jones fan:

WilliamShatner/Twitter

WilliamShatner/Twitter

We're still hoping that this all ends with the punchline to Shatner's famous SNL sketch in which he admits he was pretending to be "the evil Captain Kirk from episode 37, 'The Enemy Within.'"

Soon, Notch clarified that he didn't know that it was Quinn he was responding to. He thought he was insulting some random woman, you see, so it's OK. Of course, he cleared this issue up like a perfect gentleman:

Notch/Twitter

Feminists aren't the only demographic that Persson has a beef with. Toward the end of June, a bunch of people pushed back against gay pride events by promoting the hashtag #HeterosexualPrideDay, because straight people are tragically underrepresented in Western politics. Notch weighed in with his typical, almost Shakespearean eloquence:

Notch/Twitter

It started in 2012, when Bell struck out at Katy Perry for participating in a biographical movie when she'd only been famous for a few years by that point. When Perry replied, sounding a little hurt, Bell backtracked like crazy, probably mystified that a much bigger celebrity actually noticed his diss. He dubiously announced that his tweets against Perry must have been due to someone "hacking" his account:

DrakeBell/Twitter

And then he tried to further repair the damage to his relationship with real celebrities by tweeting:

DrakeBell/Twitter

Now, Justin Bieber is kind of a jackass, but Bell seems to have a laser-focus on Biebs that nobody can explain. For instance, after Bieber was implicated in a house-egging incident (again: kind of a jackass), Bell fully launched into another tirade:

DrakeBell/Twitter

DrakeBell/Twitter

And ... well, this kind of goes on and on:

DrakeBell/Twitter

DrakeBell/Twitter

There's no evidence that Bieber and Bell have ever met, which makes this whole "feud" all the more bizarre. In fact, as far as we can tell, Bieber has only ever weighed in on this entire thing once, and given that there's a first time for everything, we have to admit that he is the much bigger man here:

JustinBieber/Twitter

Now, it's likely that Kilmer and Blanchett are good friends and this is all a lot of good fun. But Kilmer's 220,000 or so followers started to feel a little uncomfortable after he continued to wax lyrical about Blanchett over the course of several days, interspersed with selfies of himself visiting New York landmarks.

ValKilmer/Twitter

Eventually his fans began pointing out that this was getting a little tragic and creepy. Rather than going ahead and admitting it was all a bit of fun, Kilmer dug in his heels and went on the defensive:

ValKilmer/Twitter

In a series of follow-up rants, Kilmer said, "She's a friend of mine and I've met her husband thru the years and we've all gotten along just fine." He added that "She will Back up every word I say n love that I say I love her. I would love an actor I didn't even enjoy if he flew the world to talk about a role." These tweets were later deleted, presumably as one of the conditions of the inevitable restraining order.

But Smith came off as a little more of a jerk than usual in May 2017, when he took to Twitter, and, in his Usual Style Of Capitalizing The First Letter Of Every Word That He Types, he blasted the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto. Their sin? Giving him a really shitty room service meal that made him Want To Throw Up On HimSelf.

OfficalJaden/Twitter

OfficalJaden/Twitter

So he hated his hotel experience -- at least he only shat on them on Twitter and didn't throw the TV out the window, like many Hollywood stars would decide to do. A minute later, Smith revealed the horrid crime that the Four Seasons had committed against him: They tried to kill him by putting cheese in his pancakes.

OfficalJaden/Twitter

For background, Jaden Smith is a vegan. But being vegan isn't like being allergic to peanuts. If a piece of cheese flies into your mouth, you don't go into anaphylactic shock and die; you just get a bit grossed out. Honestly, considering it's Jaden Smith we're talking about, nobody is sure whether his allegations of a pancake assassination attempt are merely melodramatic or if this is what he truly believes.

Maybe the best part is that it later came out that the meal Jaden had ordered was the Four Seasons' famous lemon ricotta pancakes. This only raises more questions. Does Jaden Smith realize "ricotta" is a not-uncommon type of cheese? Did it not occur to him to ask? More to the point, does it escape him that one of the primary ingredients of pancakes is eggs, which are also out of bounds for vegans? This truly is the riddle for the ages.

Popper opted to escalate the situation and investigate Rutherford's personal details, including his home address, and post them on Twitter, prefaced by a subtle movie-related pun:

Blues_Traveler/Twitter

Blues_Traveler/Twitter

Popper claimed he would delete the information if Rutherford agreed to never publically mention Popper, Blues Traveler, or anything else related to any of them until the end of time. Rutherford evidently agreed, and Popper deleted the personal information ... until Rutherford retweeted a Blue Traveler tweet, leading to Popper posting Rutherford's street address again, as well as a Google Earth image of his house.

Blues_Traveler/Twitter

Blues_Traveler/Twitter

Popper's repeated forays into publicizing his nemesis' information have led to death threats leveled at Rutherford by Blues Traveler fans (which it turns out do still exist), including one who threatened to send Mexican gangsters to his house to sort him out. Rutherford wasn't too shaken up by the threat, since he somewhat doubts the Mexican Mafia is invested enough in Blues Traveler to follow through.

When he woke up the next morning, Allen found a DM in his inbox from Bregman himself, who took time out of his day to respond personally and privately to some random guy to let him know he doesn't know shit about baseball.

Allen H.

Allen H.

Note that Allen H. didn't even reference Bregman's Twitter handle in his original tweet, which means that Bregman found it by searching his own name. (Hi, Alex!) Second, we're not sure which misspelled creature he was alluding to Allen being "on the nutsack of society," but we're reasonably sure it's either a flea, a fly, or a bunch of geese.

It seems Coulter had spent $30 extra to purchase a seat with extra leg room, but was horrified to find her place taken up by another woman whose leg length she deemed inferior:

AnnCoulter/Twitter

Coulter even went ahead and took photographs of the comparatively stump-legged woman so that her followers could shame her accordingly, as though that lady was even remotely at fault. And Coulter's tweet rampage continued well into the morning, during which she managed to compare her nightmare experience to being an asylum inmate in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, being a victim of Stanley Milgram's prison torture experiment, and being oppressed by the Stasi of East Germany.

AnnCoulter/Twitter

AnnCoulter/Twitter

AnnCoulter/Twitter

After her rant was over, Delta refunded Coulter the godforsaken 30 bucks, while also releasing a statement about how they found her tweets to be slanderous, derogatory, and insulting. But that only riled Coulter up even more. She got back on Twitter to rant about how her experience was worse than when United Airlines security beat the shit out of a guy, and compared Delta staff to literal fascists and (even worse) SJWs.

AnnCoulter/Twitter

AnnCoulter/Twitter

S. Peter Davis is the creator of the Three Minute Philosophy YouTube series, and is the author of the book Occam's Nightmare.

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