While buying these sodas, Mattheis notices that the game's drinking animation makes his character toss the empty cans on the ground. Even when trash bins are near, Francisco's programming forces him to litter, further polluting the digital world.

Rockstar Games
In beta versions, this caused a crying Native American chief to appear for you to rob.

So Mattheis comes up with the ingeniously stupid workaround of having Francisco climb into a dumpster whenever he finishes a can, thereby making it drop into the garbage. In a world in which everyone is an asshole criminal, the greatest act of rebellion is trying to be a decent citizen.

Rockstar Games
Literally and metaphorically taking a stand in a garbage pile.

The best discovery Mattheis makes on his nonviolent journey happens when he accidentally runs over an NPC running across the street. Francisco parks his car between traffic and the injured person, gets out, and calls an ambulance. When the ambulance arrives, the EMTs disembark, run in little circles, then get back into their ambulance and try to drive off.

Rockstar Games
Preview of GOP healthcare.

In desperation to get first aid to the poor injured NPC, Francisco uses his car to block the ambulance's escape. In equal desperation to not do their job, the ambulance driver crashes into Francisco's car and pushes it out of the way.

Rockstar Games
He later worked as convenience store clerk in the game to pay off the repair bill.

So it turns out that in Grand Theft Auto, you're free to do anything except be a moral person. This is a world that exists only to enable chaos, and any attempt to engage it rationally will create scorn and Dadaist madness. We're sure that will be addressed in the next installment.

Anyway, Quiet's story was mocked as a thin excuse to cram gratuitous T&A into a military thriller, but the game's creators stuck to their guns, and insisted that she was well-rounded in non-physical ways, too. We gave them the benefit of the doubt. Then came the scene in which Quiet strips down to her underwear, bends over to prominently display her ass, and playfully splashes and rolls around in the rain -- on the deck of an oil platform right in front of everybody -- before finally trotting over to your hero while romantic music plays. There are no more benefits.

Konami
Behold! The eroticism!

If you harbored any illusions that Quiet was anything more than eye candy, then YouTube channel Tactical Modding Operations has a quick experiment for you. They swapped out Quiet with Skull Face, the villain with a name stolen from our fourth-grade Trapper Keepers. Behold the majesty:

The man who kidnapped your child has to die, despite starting the fight by telling you that he wants to talk. The game won't advance otherwise, and the only "pacifist" solution Hinckley can come up with is luring the bad guy into a minefield to whittle down his health, then letting an NPC finish him off. This is less "pacifism" and more "pacifism aggressivism," and it takes Hinckley five hours of trial and error to pull it off.

The game as a whole took Hinckley 75 hours to finish, and he only stayed peaceful on a technicality. Even then, Fallout 4 refused to acknowledge his work, as his companions go ahead and comment on his nonexistent bloodshed anyway.

It wasn't just one scene -- it was all of them. Later, when Jodie needs to drive away, she doesn't need Johnston's help to evade the cops. Beyond prompts him to press R2 on his controller and speed off, but when he refuses, the game hits the gas for him anyway.

Sony Interactive Entertainment
Beyond: Two Choices ... Kind Of ... Not Really ...

In other words, control is an illusion and the game plays with itself, which is fitting when talking about David Cage.

Meanwhile, AkariLT played the first "season" of The Walking Dead game, which has you control a man named Lee Everett during the zombie apocalypse. Throughout the game, you're prompted to pick dialog options for Lee, and the game informs you that "silence is a valid option." What it doesn't tell you is that the story unfolds the same way even if you play as an awkward, impossible mute. For example, at one point you're prompted to choose between two of your allies in an argument. If you stay silent, they don't both stop to marvel at how you actually found a way to make the situation even more uncomfortable -- the game chooses a side for you.

Telltale Games

Telltale Games
"Kenny's argument of rocking back and forth for 30 seconds while nothing happened spoke to me."

Silence also leads to some pretty hilarious moments, like when Lee is supposed to reassure Clementine, the little girl he's protecting. He tells her to think of something hopeful, she asks "Like what?" And he just does this:

Telltale Games

Thus proving that games like these really only offer you the illusion of choice, despite what the marketing says. They're the virtual version of those crosswalk buttons -- doing things only makes you feel better, while the world carries on fine without your input.

Adam Koski tried to start a Let's Play channel but one thing led to another and he ended up writing a hilarious and exciting fantasy novel instead.

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