Police then swooped in and made the arrest, as Schindler presumably marveled at his own strength after his plastic prey's appendages went flying in every direction.

While obviously this act made Schindler a prime suspect in the earlier murders, police couldn't prove conclusively that he was the one responsible. So they charged him with carrying a concealed weapon and attempted murder ... of a mannequin. Schindler played his cards wisely, if dubiously, when he claimed that he was aware that it was just a mannequin all along when he decided to pummel it into oblivion. The end result was a plea deal whereby he now faces 8-20 years in prison for attacking a mannequin, but will avoid getting charged with actual murder. On the bright side, at least we'll all be spared the spectacle of a defense attorney trying to argue that he was merely acting on a longstanding grudge against J. Crew displays.

The first recorded instance of glitter being used as trace evidence happened at the end of the Cold War in Germany, when the U.S. Army's crime lab used it to solve a sexual assault case during a local celebration. Specific glitter from the victims' Mardi-Gras-like costumes was found on the clothing of the suspects. Another time, a killer in Alaska was nabbed in part because his estranged wife had dropped glitter in his car at some point, and some of it stuck to his victim. More recently, this method was used to bust a deadly hit and run driver who denied being at the wheel, but had a hard time explaining how the exact same cosmetic glitter she wore on her face wound up plastered to the airbag.

It's yet one more example of how, unless you wrap yourself in cellophane / coat yourself in lacquer in preparation for your malfeasance, there's always going to be something left behind that detectives will capitalize on to send your silly novelty-toenail-polish-loving ass up the river.

The newly minted cop killers immediately sped off, leaving homicide detectives with few leads to go on besides a bunch of broken glass. Which, as it turned out, was all they needed.

The investigators knew that the glass came from the windshield of the murderers' vehicle, but not the type of car it came from (or, you know, who was driving it). When one of the fragments was found to have an eensy-weensy letter "H" imprinted on it, they called the local windshield expert, who said it probably came from a Korean vehicle -- either a Hyundai or a Kia. Hmmm, which one could it be?

A forensic scientist flew the glass all the way over to South Korea, where it was learned that it came from the rear windscreen of a 1997 Hyundai (*gasp!*) Excel X3. Armed with this information, the police initiated a massive search for anyone who had or was currently trying to replace a rear Hyundai windscreen (along with any Excel X3s that might have a shitty tape and tarp situation where a windshield should be).

This led to a young woman who stated her father had "broken it at work," and finally they had a culprit: a "sexual predator and a thrill killer" named Bandali Debs. He, along with his daughter's boyfriend (who was believed to be his accomplice, although the evidence is a little shaky), were arrested for the murders of Silk and Miller after further analysis proved a positive match. As a bonus, 38 robbery cases in The Pigout Series were also cleared, and Debs was revealed to be a sociopath of the first order, as he was later found to be responsible for murdering prostitutes. We have no idea what goofy name they came up with for those crimes.

Interpol didn't reveal precisely how they were able to unscramble Mr. Whirlyjerk's face, but they were pleased that it sent "a quite clear message" to internet child molesters worldwide. A spokesman for the agency also reminded any deviant malefactors who might be paying attention that "Techniques are always developing. What is impossible today is possible tomorrow." It's a lesson that we're sure Neil will take to heart, now that he's chilling back in Canada after having served only five years for multiple instances of "sexual offending behavior against both pre and early pubescent boys." Which seems to demonstrate that un-whirling photographs isn't the only "technique" that needs developing.

Vancouver Police Department

E. Reid Ross is the author of "Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again," which is in stores now and available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

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