Thankfully, there is one futuristic cleaning product that actually does do away with most household germs for a fraction of the price of hand sanitizer: good old soap.

Even more embarrassing: The experts surveyed are often allowed to recommend more than one toothpaste. Maybe they just recommend toothpaste in general. These tricks are how multiple brands in the same space can all claim to be the one experts recommend. Incidentally, this website indicates actual toothpastes recommended by the American Dental Association, which you may recognize as a list of pretty much every toothpaste not manufactured in a bathtub.

These companies have poached the top scientific minds from NASA and Princeton, made them stop whatever stupid bullshit they were working on, and set them to the task of finding out whether or not this skin cream reduces wrinkles. And it does: you can't argue with that. It's motherfuckin' scientifically proven.

What it actually means:

Much of the "scientific" evidence behind these corporate claims turn out to be based on mostly fraudulent studies. Take Dannon's Activia yogurt for example. We all know it as the yogurt your grandmother bought in bulk from Costco because it was "scientifically proven" to be healthy for your digestive tract. Dannon had to pay $45 million in a class-action lawsuit after the clinical study supporting their claim was debunked by numerous other studies, including one by the Mayo Clinic.

Activia
Jamie Lies Curtis.

ExtenZe, a "male enhancement" drug, claimed that their product promoted "enhanced sexual pleasure" and said that penis enlargement was a clinically proven guarantee. Their claims were supported by "peer-reviewed" doctor Daniel S. Stein, who actually hadn't had anything published in peer-reviewed medical journals, but for all we know might have actually been reviewed by other fake doctors, his real peers. They were hit with a lawsuit and forced to pay $6 million to settle the false advertising case.

Extenze
Our requests to Jimmy Johnson for before/after dick pics went unanswered.

The world of weight-loss products is so rife with false claims that the Federal Trade Commission launched a campaign to crack down on them, called "Operation Failed Resolution." Oooh, sounds like someone at the FTC has a particular axe to grind with the industry.

If a product "helps" with weight loss, we expect it to actually contribute to its users losing weight. Just like how a hockey player who assists with a goal was an integral, if unsung, part of that goal.

What it actually means:

Products "help" you with a goal in the same way your drunken cousin "helps" you move. These words only serve to make any health claims just ambiguous enough that their parent companies won't see the business end of a class-action lawsuit. Maybe you're an ice cream manufacturer, and you claim that your ice cream helps reduce violent uncontrollable rage. "Yeah, who doesn't like ice cream? It probably does help reduce manslaughter." That's the logic.

Rachel Murray/Getty Images for Baskin-Robbins
"Murder isn't one of the 31 flavors. That's just scientific fact."

New Balance was caught making such a claim back in 2011, stating that just wearing their shoes helped people to lose weight and improve their health. They claimed that their product "uses hidden balance board technology that encourages muscle activation in the glutes, quads, hamstrings and calves, which in turn burns calories." In fact, they were selling regular sneakers and adding a very helpful, "if you exercise regularly, you'll lose weight, but also buy our shoes, please."

In 2010, Kellogg was hit with two separate legal actions over their "helpful" ad copy. In June, they were reprimanded by the FTC for claiming that Rice Krispies helped improve children's immune systems through the use of vitamins, A, B, C, and E. And this was just a couple months after they had been sued over their claim that Frosted Mini-Wheats helped children become more attentive, by up to 20 percent. When the FTC dug into their so-called clinical trials, they discovered that very few children -- about one in seven -- actually saw the benefits Kellogg claimed. Under the threat of heavy fines, Kellogg promptly dropped the claims and presumably their advertising team.

Kellogg's
Immunity to what? To bullshit?

There's no official rubric for these kinds of statements. Even if we're all clear on what counts as sufficient clinical evidence for a claim, the rules about false advertising are opaque at best. The standard of proof for claims of false advertising is that any average Joe could fall for it. But that isn't easy to figure out either, because exaggeration is so common in advertising. That means the huge, obvious lies aren't actionable, while the smaller lies are, because someone might actually fall for those.

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Fore more "facts" that are utter garbage, check out The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Statistics and 5 Bullshit Facts About the Brain That Everyone Believes.

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