They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them "fucking pussies," but never mind that --there's some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn't just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!
Strand Studios"My name ... is?"
Thankfully, those soldiers didn't die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast "to freedom" and apologize to each other -- while babbling over everyone else's respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.
Strand Studios"Ah, a rich car dealership! Just like dad used to own! No, seriously."
Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because ... Kid Rock's dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it's time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock's Republican eyes?
Strand Studios"Is the groom about to transform into a husky?"
They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We're all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren't we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.
Mark is on Twitter and has a book.
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