5 Ads That Tried To Be Sexy But Were Just Disturbing Instead
Sex sells everything from power tools to yogurt. Its constant presence in advertising is a weird fact of life that we've all come to accept. We get turned on by the Oscar Meyer Weiner song now, and we just have to live with that. But there are a few products so inherently un-erotic that sexy advertising simply isn't an option. Or so we thought ...
Liquid-Plumr Wants To "Double Impact" You
There's nothing sexier than a clogged toilet, right? Hell yeah! ... is what Liquid-Plumr says. In this commercial, a desperately lonely woman purchases their "Double Impact" snake and gel, then gets ready for a little double impact of her own ...
And for once, we're not referring to the Van Damme masterpiece.
Porno music plays as two large men show up to "snake her drain" and "flush her pipe," because her shit-wracked toilet is apparently an ill-conceived metaphor for her body. Yes, Liquid-Plumr really is saying that if you eat too much Golden Corral and ruin your bathroom, buying Double Impact will be like getting DP'ed by two plumbers who somehow don't look like the Mario brothers.
And that's not a one-time fluke. Liquid Plumr's print ads double down on associating clogged toilets with thirsty genitals, pounding that message home like two plumbers on a confused housewife.
They Photoshopped out the other seven he was bringing.
Aw yeah, this guy will finish having sex with you as fast as possible. That's what you want, right, ladies?
Spontex Advertises Sponges Using Hedgehog Erotica
You don't need to advertise sponges. Your tagline should be "This exists, and can be purchased." But Spontex decided that the world had to know how strong the bristles on their new sponges were, and that this information had to be conveyed with a CGI hedgehog fucking a sponge like it just got out of prison.
Yes, some poor animator can now add "realistic hedgehog thrusting" to both their LinkedIn page and their DeviantArt account. There are actually three ads in the inexplicable "adorable insectivore rails a sponge" campaign, because if you're going to make a horrifying mistake, you might as well do it twice more with feeling.
In the first ad, the hedgehog listlessly humps at a generic sponge but, finding it unsatisfying, then shifts to a Spontex product and almost immediately enjoys what's probably the most powerful hedgehog orgasm we've ever seen.
In the second ad, the sponge is taken away from the lusty hog, and to the hog's horror, it's then used to clean a dish. But it's eventually returned to its rightful purpose: a filthy sex doll for a small, spiny mammal.
And this is why you wring a sponge out after and before every use.
The third ad really ups the stakes, and shows us the horny hedgehog pimping the sponge out to all his buddies. If you've ever wanted to watch hedgehogs run a train on a sponge but thought that was too insane of a fetish to be catered to, this is your day.
They call it a "Sonic drive-thru."
These ads doubled Spontex's sales, because existence is nonsense. So Spontex decided to make the sexually depraved hedgehog their permanent mascot. But don't worry, all of this does make sense. We just forgot to tell you that Spontex is a French company.
Spirit Airlines Uses Cunnilingus To Sell Flights
The only tagline any airline needs is "Hey, we're not United." But in 2014, Spirit decided to advertise a sale by cooing "We're shaving our fares so you'll go down on us." Because there's nothing sexier than dirt-cheap airfare and harsh grooming stipulations.
Also, "Go down" has some other less-sexy, more fiery implications when you're talking about questionable airlines.
Huggies Thought The Best Way To Sell Diapers Was With Sexy Babies
Are you bored of ordinary diaper commercials, all showing you cute babies and then explaining how to keep them from leaking diarrhea on your couch? Yawn, right? Where's the edge? Where's the sex appeal? Don't worry! Huggies has got your back, Hesitant Pedophile:
They really accentuate the turd bulge.
When Huggies rolled out their Little Movers Denim diapers, showing clips of babies romping and cooing wasn't enough. No, they went with the "Poo in Blue" commercial, featuring a dapper infant with a sexy accent being ogled by grown women while a voiceover said things like "When it's a number two, I look like number one," and "My diaper is full. Full of chic."
"I don't always shit myself, but when I ... never mind, I always shit myself."
This was somehow not the sole insane result of a sex offender sneaking into an ad meeting. An Israeli ad campaign continued the theme, presenting a bunch of toddlers prancing around like tiny models, like a snippet from some bizarre parallel universe where the "Blurred Lines" video was directed by Jared Fogle.
Irate viewers demanded that the ad be pulled because it was "child pornography." You could argue that's hyperbolic, sure, but it does feel like the longer you look at these images, the more likely it is that a SWAT Team will throw a flash grenade through your window. So we'll only show you one more. You're welcome.
The "No More Crying" version with the side holster for a flask was also deemed inappropriate.
Orangina Thinks Bestiality Sells
Oh hey, person having a normal day, thinking they understand the world around them, check out this Orangina ad:
Why yes, you did just witness a rollerblading giraffe lady sniff an unwilling man's ass, chase him down (while he screams!), then carry him away, presumably to some sort of giraffe rape-nest, while police sirens wail in the background. For those of you who didn't watch the video, that distant sobbing you hear is coming from everybody else who did.
Oh right, that was an ad for orange soda.
And amber alerts.
Many of Orangina's ads have a "You're about to involuntarily reenact that one scene from The Shining" vibe to them.
Normally when a bear tells you he's "naturally juicy," you're viewing a very different kind of ad.
For example, here are two giant ads in the middle of a metro station, proudly implying that Orangina will let you have sex with were-beasts and experience powerful, spraying ejaculations.
Of course, it goes without saying that Orangina is also French.
Scott Elizabeth Baird can be followed on Twitter. Mike Bedard is a comedy writer living in Los Angeles. Do him a solid and follow him on Twitter. Next time he sees you, he'll give you a seven-second hug. E. Reid Ross' book "Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again" is available at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.
We found the illegitimate son of that hedgehog/sponge tryst.
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