The Soviets swiftly issued a denial calling the whole thing an "impudent lie" and "an unpardonable provocation," and Buckley was forced to out his fakery. But that didn't stop the bargain-hunters. Within days, would-be buyers had flooded the Kremlin's phones, offering Lenin a new home everywhere from a museum, to a car dealership, to a seat in the new lobby of a printing company, like the most awesome episode of The Office we never got to see.
LBJ Had Sex With JFK's Corpse
In 1967, the book Death Of A President was released. Written by historian William Manchester, it provided a blow-by-blow account of the days before and after the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Although it was written with the permission of the Kennedys, it soon emerged that Jackie had ordered several sections removed from the final text. We know this because The Realist -- the biggest counterculture magazine of the decade -- had gotten ahold of them. And oh boy.
According to the unused manuscript, Jacqueline had gone to visit her husband's body, whereupon she discovered LBJ crouching over the corpse, wheezing like a steam train and rocking himself rhythmically. At first she thought he was performing some kind of religious rite. But ...
And then I realized -- there is only one way to say this -- he was literally fucking my husband in the throat. In the bullet wound in the front of his throat. He reached a climax and dismounted. I froze. The next thing I remember, he was being sworn in as the new president.
Library of Congress
"Oh, I'll solemnly swear to do lots of things."
The rumor was too perfect not to believe. It fed into the general air of conspiracy surrounding the assassination, and was supported by the existing perception that LBJ had it out for JFK. And it's fair to say that LBJ had some ... issues when it came to his wang. Trust us, we're practically the internet's foremost experts on the subject. So when the rumor began to spread about LBJ "firing another round" into JFK, the country shrugged and said, "Yep, that sounds about right."
National Archives and Records Administration
Fortunately, this would be the last recorded instance of a nation not respecting its president.
In everyone's speed to trademark #Throatgate, however, they forgot to check who the source of this story was. The Realist wasn't just a counterculture magazine; it was a satire magazine. The author of the piece, Paul Krassner, mimicked the writing style of Manchester and basically set out to write out the most libelous thing he could, knowing that the worst thing LBJ could do in retaliation was come out and deny the charges.
Executive Office of the President of the United States
"No, son, I can do much worse than that." *sound of zipper*
Marina and Adam can be found cracking jokes and plotting global domination on Twitter, starting with the acquisition of several small islands to be established as sovereign states for our future cult. Join the Cult of Marinadamarinadam today!