And even if they get jiggle down right, it's still a pretty uncomfortable place.
As you're mindlessly decapitating the undead, ripping out evil ninjas' spinal cords, or running over a father of two who just wanted to get to work, it's easy to forget all the time and effort that goes into our video games. There are countless digital artists, programmers, voice actors, and more behind each and every part of these interactive masterpieces. Even those games you had to hide from your mom starring the voluptuous space marines. Here are those brave game developers whose devotion to the perverted arts is so great, if they were alive in the 1400s, they'd be painting a fresco of Lara Croft's butt on the Sistine Chapel.
When fighting games like Street Fighter II, Fatal Fury, and Mortal Kombat became all the rage in the early '90s, the developers had a startling revelation -- since they only had two characters on the screen at any time, they could devote more memory to adding extra animations to their bodies. More specifically, the upper middle sections.
And so was born the video game industry's infamous breast bounce, which is practically its own mini-industry by now. The makers of the Soul Calibur fighting game series go one further and have a whole system devoted to achieving jiggly perfection, complete with charts.
And they're not alone in their zest for busty verisimilitude. In an interview with Kotaku, a developer named "Alex" (who very understandably would prefer to remain anonymous) revealed that his studio's models are tested by a focus group, which includes women (mainly because they don't employ many of them in the studio). The focus groups make sure that heaving polygons are at least passably recognizable as real human breasts, instead of, say, pillowcases filled with gravel.
And how did the focus groups react? When faced with initial digital breast animations, the women in the focus group tended to be creeped the hell out. After all, they were staring into the uncanny valley of boobage, and that is not a fun place to be when you have actual breasts attached to your torso.
After "accidentally" blowing up a group of NPCs with a gas explosion, a Watch Dogs 2 player noticed something odd about one of their groins, it wasn't the smooth area of Barbie-esque nothingness, we've grown accustomed to. Quite the contrary, actually. It had more detail than went into most video game protagonists' personalities.
Somebody at Ubisoft had coded a very realistic vagina into the game, raising the question: Did they hire, like, Andy Serkis to do the motion capture for this or what? And if you think this is a hacker or something (which would be quite meta, given the game's plot), other players soon located the same character.
Nevertheless, the guy who first discovered "it" took a screenshot and uploaded it to Twitter via his PS4 ... whereupon he was banned by Sony for being a dirty pornmonger. Ubisoft responded by chickenshitedly nuking the realistic crotch from the game, before presumably heading round to players' houses and smashing their mirrors before they glimpsed anything that might traumatize them.
That's not to say that they excised all vaginas from the game. They're simply a lot less visceral and, therefore, a lot less likely to offend Sony. They are presumably filled with ammunition and health packs.
It's literally impossible to get through the Witcher franchise without getting laid. As a "witcher" -- think magical mutation, Jedi training, and lots of drugs -- you can be pretty cavalier with your womb raider. All witchers are sterile, immune to disease, and highly resistant to toxins (except alcohol, conveniently), so they don't have much reason to keep it in their pants. The original books say witchers are made to hunt monsters, but the games suggest that's more of a side-gig to their incessant genital-smashing.
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
But The Witcher's creators don't simply drop their characters into Microsoft Kids 3D Movie Maker, apply some pre-made positions, and call it a day. They actually go through the trouble of recording real motion capture movements for each scene. For the third game alone, that translated into 16 hours of steamy, awkward data. How? Well, they insist that the game had to start with a sexual scene in order to establish a reason for the protagonist to be searching for his girlfriend. Yeah, why else would he give a shit about her?
On top of that, our brave protagonist uses an extremely repetitive set of moves on the ladies, so it's a little hard to wrap one's mind around 16 hours of mo-cap. The developers did clarify that this doesn't mean 16 hours of sex scenes, probably to prevent a wave of angry refunds.
The real heroes, to us, are the voice actors who spent hours recording their characters' coital eruptions. They never actually met one another, so they had to moan and pant with dead silence for a partner, the way one does when making "running" or "I've-just-been-stabbed" sounds. Doug Cockle, the gravelly voice of the titular Witcher, said it was like being caught mid-wank by your mom. That sounds almost as bad as her catching you playing this game.
CD Projekt Red
We don't want to put all the blame on developers here. It's well known that every time a game allows players to create their own levels, the servers will be flooded with dicks. And like in every area where there's high competition, some of them really put in the effort to stand out.
In Minecraft, for instance, it's not enough to chisel yourself a Lyndon B. Johnson from rock. That shit might fly in LittleBigPlanet, but you're playing for the Harlem Globetrotters of penis artwork now, son. If your wang doesn't tower above the skyline like an angry totemic idol, spewing white-hot goo all over the staggered populace, what's the point?
Throughout antiquity, penises were worshipped as symbols of fertility and the basis of new life (or the center of all life, depending on your age group). In SimCity, you can take this literally and have your penis form the basis of a whole new fucking civilization.
In Call Of Duty, you can sculpt a dick-shaped emblem and have it replay over and over again as you cut your enemies down.
Not to be outdone, Battlefield 3 allows you to blow a phallus-shaped crater into the fabric of the planet, like Dirk Diggler's eco-terrorist brother.
Even Nintendo games aren't safe from this dick epidemic (epidemdick), as Super Smash Bros. continually proves.
The master of this entire genre, however, is Besiege -- a video game wherein you're tasked with constructing medieval-era siege engines and blowing/tearing shit apart. The good news is, that's what most players do. The bad news is, the medieval era they're recreating is decidedly Game Of Thronesy.
At the beginning of 1998's Fallout 2, you can alter your character's S.P.E.C.I.A.L. stats: Strength, Perception, Endurance, Charisma, Intelligence, Agility, and Luck. These stats have an effect on absolutely everything you do. Including, amazingly, your ability to go heels-to-Jesus without disappointing your partner and shuffling to the nearest chem slinger for some shitty future drugs and scotch.
This discovery was prompted by a sidequest in the game in which you seriously get to be a porn star (by starring in some post-apocalyptic adult entertainment).
Sometimes, however, your character would get rejected from his porn audition. It wasn't until much later that players figured out exactly why: There's a secret formula that takes four stats and weights them in accordance to what the development team thought were the most sex-ssential attributes. Charisma accounts for half of your score (no pun intended), while Endurance counts for 25 percent and Agility/Strength make up the rest.
The resulting number is then divided by 100, any relevant special abilities or attributes are factored in ...
... and voila! This gives you your Cosmopolitan-esque "how good are you at sex" score, and if you're a nine or higher, you're awarded the "Gigolo" reputation title. So in conclusion, now you finally understand what the point of high school algebra was.
Character creation screens have never truly been about creating a character. You're creating a new version of you, from changing your boring-ass business haircut into a radass party mullet to, fuck it, seeing what your right arm would look like if it was replaced by a chainsaw. Obviously, as in real life, there's always certain "things" you can't change -- or at least that was the state of things before Conan Exiles came along and afforded you the ability to crush your enemies with the contents of your underpants.
As always, there's the option to change race, eye color, and hairstyle.
But if you choose to play as a dude, you can also give your character a wang that could bulldoze an apartment building.
Or, if you want, a schlong that suggests your player style is less "aggressive tactician" and more "sympathy vote."
Note that choosing to play as a black guy gives you the longest default length of all other races, which ... err, yeah. Also, we'd be bereft if we didn't mention the realistic dick dangle physics, which we can't show you in motion, but if you've ever been inside a gym locker room you probably have a pretty good idea of what we're talking about.
Whilst female characters don't have the same level of customization, you can equip your character with a rack that also comes with its own gravitational field. You can stop reading, as this article has now come full circle.
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Behind every awful movie is the idea for a good one. Old man Indiana Jones discovers aliens. Good in theory, bad in practice. Batman fights Superman. So simple, but so bad. Are there good translations of these movies hidden within the stinking turds that saw the light of day? Jack O'Brien hosts Soren Bowie, Daniel O'Brien and Katie Willert of 'After Hours' on our next live podcast to find an answer as they discuss their ideal versions of flops, reboots, and remakes. Tickets are $7 and can be purchased here!
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