Now, it's just good foresight to discuss sexual health with prospective partners and exchange the requisite paperwork, and we would never shame someone for practicing safe sex. But this wasn't a discussion our future national embarrassment was proposing -- he insisted that his dates be tested by his personal doctor before he so much as made a reservation. There's conscientiousness and then there's scary control freaking, because believing that any woman willing to date Trump is smart enough to forge a doctor's note is a bit generous, to say the least.

NBC News

It's worth noting that at the best of times, Trump sounds like a Mad Libs filled out by a robot that has gained sentience and gone insane, and he wasn't any better back then. To explain his demands, he said, "It's one way to be careful. There are a lot of ways. I'm saying, take all of those ways and double them, because you will need them. It's very scary out there." As if there's some shadowy cabal of New York supermodels hunting him down and trying to give him the AIDS ... perhaps even as we speak? Tragic foreshadowing.

Now, before you get all judgy, Seinfeld insists that when he met 17-year-old Shoshanna Lonstein, he "didn't realize she was so young." And when it became apparent, "the age issue" was immediately forgotten, as any doubts he might've had were immediately drowned out by a mysterious, thunderous slap-bass resounding from the heavens.

People Magazine

He insisted they never dated until she was of legal age ("We just went to a restaurant, and that was it," he said, presumably referring to Chuck E. Cheese's), and that her youth wasn't what attracted him, calling her "extremely bright" and "very alert." These statements only raise further questions about exactly what Seinfeld thinks a date is, as well as his fetish for radioactive cats.

But while the media embarked on a bizarre campaign to implore the public to ignore "the age issue," it wasn't so easy for the couple to do the same. Like all high school romances, it started to unravel once she discovered frat parties. They very nearly became engaged, but Seinfeld was adamant that his wife wouldn't work, which presumably doesn't sit well with a recent UCLA grad, and Lonstein found herself "bored by Seinfeld talking constantly about work." Huh, it's almost like teenage girls and middle-aged men don't have much in common.

Jeter denied the rumor in 2015, but earlier that year, someone put one of the alleged baskets up for sale on Craigslist. Just the basket itself, mind you, not any of the actual valuables, which makes the $1,950 asking price seem a bit steep.

Craigslist

However, either the basket immediately sold or the seller had scammer's remorse, because the ad was quickly removed. We know from screenshots, however, that the woman apparently has mixed feelings about her spin on the prize wheel. She claimed she can still "describe every inch of Derek" in lieu of a certificate of authenticity, but also that she's since used the basket to hold toilet paper. There are metaphors that don't need to be explained.

In Escobar's extremely dubious defense, he did the "right" thing and waited two whole years to marry her. Wait, no, that wasn't his choice at all -- they only waited because her parents very correctly objected to the relationship and apparently very incorrectly decided that a learner's permit was proof of maturity.

Pablo Escobar

Unfortunately, to the shock of all involved, Maria got older, and Escobar promptly seemed to have lost interest in her for some reason. It's no secret that he respected his commitment to his wife about as much as the law, but what isn't widely known is that he continued to prefer young girls, even hosting orgies of underage virgins. If it seems odd that so many underage virgins would find themselves at orgies, it's because they probably weren't willing, and a lot of them never came back. But hey, those were some slick car chases, right?

Matsui was completely open about his hobby, and he even traded videos with Japanese sports writers, a benefit that is sorely undersold by journalism school. That was no secret, either: At his first American press conference, when he ran out of gifts for the writers in the crowd, he joked (we think?), "I'll get porn for the rest of you." Does ... does anyone who writes about Matsui get free smut? Because our contact info is under this article, Hideki.

Chris McGrath/Getty Images

As of 2012, Matsui's collection had swelled to 55,000 videos, even after all the ones he'd given away. It's like a boomerang of dicks -- the more he throws, the more come flying back at him. A writer at Deadspin actually crunched the numbers and determined it wasn't possible for Matsui to have watched all of those videos, unless he only watched a few seconds of each one. Needless to say, that doesn't speak well about his stamina outside of the baseball field.

Just kidding, they held girlfriend auditions.

Paramount Pictures

This rumor has been floating around for some time and was largely regarded as a conspiracy theory (including by us), but more stories have come out that lend it credence. In 2016, actress and former Scientologist Cathy Schenkelberg claimed to have landed one of the fabled auditions. She didn't get the part, probably at least in part because she was under the impression that she was auditioning for a training video, not a spot on top of Jerry Maguire's dick. Oh, and because she called Cruise a "narcissistic baby," apparently not wondering why they would even ask her about him until it was over and another hopeful informed her what was going on. Maybe Scientologists are just asked every day what they think of Tom Cruise until they answer right- er, their thetans go away or whatever?

Her story seems to be undermined by reports that Cruise did, in fact, have a girlfriend at this time, actress Nazanin Boniadi ... but this is actually where things get really horrifying. According to Leah Remini, of King Of Queens but way more entertaining Scientology-whistleblowing fame, Boniadi was Scientology's failed first attempt to hire a girlfriend for Cruise. Boniadi was told she was being given a secret humanitarian mission, then got a makeover and instructions to sexually assault their golden calf. Seriously, she was told, "Why don't you be more aggressive with Tom and just put your hands down his pants when you see him?" She was constantly grilled on Cruise's satisfaction with her and eventually dumped by Scientology officials, because Tom Cruise can't even be bothered to send a breakup text.

Ken Ishii/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures

When Boniadi confided to a friend that she was a little wigged out by the whole thing, that friend turned around and submitted a nine-page report to The Powers That Be. According to Us Weekly, Boniadi was subsequently and entirely coincidentally assigned to four months of hard labor, "including tasks such as digging ditches and cleaning public toilets with a toothbrush." Marc Headley, author of Blown For Good: Behind The Iron Curtain Of Scientology, claims Boniadi found out from him that the auditions had begun before their relationship was even terminated, breaking her heart, because the top dogs had failed to notice that they'd achieved the impossible: They had found a woman who could actually fall in love with Tom Cruise.

To be fair, this is all coming from people trying to sell their stories to magazines and sell books, but come on. We've spent the past few decades watching Tom Cruise do weirder things, on camera.

Manna probably has a Twitter.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!

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