5

A 38-Year-Old Jerry Seinfeld Dated A Teenager He Approached In A Public Park

It's easy to watch old reruns of Seinfeld and question how Jerry scored such an impressive string of impressive women while also dressed like a Soviet department store mannequin, but in real life, Seinfeld was much less of a schlub. In the early '90s, he was the star of the most popular show on television. Regardless of his choice of sneakers, he could have any woman he wanted. So, naturally, he went to Central Park and picked up a teenage girl.

Al Bello /Allsport/Getty Images

Now, before you get all judgy, Seinfeld insists that when he met 17-year-old Shoshanna Lonstein, he "didn't realize she was so young." And when it became apparent, "the age issue" was immediately forgotten, as any doubts he might've had were immediately drowned out by a mysterious, thunderous slap-bass resounding from the heavens.

People Magazine

4

Derek Jeter Allegedly Gave Out Post-Coital Gift Baskets

To the dismay of baseball collectors everywhere, there's one rare item of Yankees memorabilia that only a select few will ever get their hands on: the lovely gift baskets that Derek Jeter reportedly handed to anyone who let him "get to third base."

Elsa/Getty Images

That sounds downright wholesome compared to everyone else on this list -- it's kind of heartwarming to imagine Jeter lovingly hand-picking baseballs from his closet of signing baseballs. However, the thoughtfulness was an illusion. One woman claimed she received the basket twice after Jeter forgot he already banged her, and both were identical. That means there's someone whose job it is to mass produce Yankees fuck baskets, which is less adorable, but at least has the upside of sounding like a regional sexual position.

Jeter denied the rumor in 2015, but earlier that year, someone put one of the alleged baskets up for sale on Craigslist. Just the basket itself, mind you, not any of the actual valuables, which makes the $1,950 asking price seem a bit steep.

Craigslist

3

Pablo Escobar's Actual Story Is Just Like Romeo And Juliet ... If Romeo Was 24 And Juliet 13

Plenty of liberties were taken with the life of Pablo Escobar as portrayed in Netflix's Narcos, chiefly concerning his wife, Tata. For one thing, she was never complicit in his violence, according to their son, and her name was Maria, because "Tata" isn't a name. However, the most ludicrous claim is that the 24-year-old Escobar met Maria at the shockingly tender age of 15. No, come on, that's not true. She was 13.

Netflix

In Escobar's extremely dubious defense, he did the "right" thing and waited two whole years to marry her. Wait, no, that wasn't his choice at all -- they only waited because her parents very correctly objected to the relationship and apparently very incorrectly decided that a learner's permit was proof of maturity.

Pablo Escobar

Unfortunately, to the shock of all involved, Maria got older, and Escobar promptly seemed to have lost interest in her for some reason. It's no secret that he respected his commitment to his wife about as much as the law, but what isn't widely known is that he continued to prefer young girls, even hosting orgies of underage virgins. If it seems odd that so many underage virgins would find themselves at orgies, it's because they probably weren't willing, and a lot of them never came back. But hey, those were some slick car chases, right?

2

The Yankees' Hideki Matsui Is The Joe DiMaggio Of Hoarding Pornography

Early in Hideki Matsui's career, he was advised to abstain from dating, as vaginas are energy-sucking vortices that would magically make him terrible at baseball. It's not clear who gave him this advice, or why no other Yankees player in history seems to have received it, but he took it terrifyingly to heart, amassing a staggering collection of pornography instead. We're not talking a couple of boxes in the closet -- imagine the scene from Beauty And The Beast where Belle is given her library, but instead of fine literature, it's dongs and hoo-has. Just wall-to-wall dongs and hoo-has and dongs and hoo-has.

Kyodo News

Matsui was completely open about his hobby, and he even traded videos with Japanese sports writers, a benefit that is sorely undersold by journalism school. That was no secret, either: At his first American press conference, when he ran out of gifts for the writers in the crowd, he joked (we think?), "I'll get porn for the rest of you." Does ... does anyone who writes about Matsui get free smut? Because our contact info is under this article, Hideki.

Chris McGrath/Getty Images

As of 2012, Matsui's collection had swelled to 55,000 videos, even after all the ones he'd given away. It's like a boomerang of dicks -- the more he throws, the more come flying back at him. A writer at Deadspin actually crunched the numbers and determined it wasn't possible for Matsui to have watched all of those videos, unless he only watched a few seconds of each one. Needless to say, that doesn't speak well about his stamina outside of the baseball field.

1

The Alleged Tom Cruise Girlfriend Auditions

It doesn't seem like even past-his-prime War Of The Worlds-era Tom Cruise would need much help getting women, but the exalted few who got within boob-touching distance of him knew something we didn't yet: He is completely weird. Therefore, when it was decided by Scientology's masters that it was time for their poster boy to wife up, they hired a therapist to teach him how to be normal, or at least hide his weirdness until the papers were signed.

Just kidding, they held girlfriend auditions.

Paramount Pictures

This rumor has been floating around for some time and was largely regarded as a conspiracy theory (including by us), but more stories have come out that lend it credence. In 2016, actress and former Scientologist Cathy Schenkelberg claimed to have landed one of the fabled auditions. She didn't get the part, probably at least in part because she was under the impression that she was auditioning for a training video, not a spot on top of Jerry Maguire's dick. Oh, and because she called Cruise a "narcissistic baby," apparently not wondering why they would even ask her about him until it was over and another hopeful informed her what was going on. Maybe Scientologists are just asked every day what they think of Tom Cruise until they answer right- er, their thetans go away or whatever?

Her story seems to be undermined by reports that Cruise did, in fact, have a girlfriend at this time, actress Nazanin Boniadi ... but this is actually where things get really horrifying. According to Leah Remini, of King Of Queens but way more entertaining Scientology-whistleblowing fame, Boniadi was Scientology's failed first attempt to hire a girlfriend for Cruise. Boniadi was told she was being given a secret humanitarian mission, then got a makeover and instructions to sexually assault their golden calf. Seriously, she was told, "Why don't you be more aggressive with Tom and just put your hands down his pants when you see him?" She was constantly grilled on Cruise's satisfaction with her and eventually dumped by Scientology officials, because Tom Cruise can't even be bothered to send a breakup text.

Ken Ishii/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures

When Boniadi confided to a friend that she was a little wigged out by the whole thing, that friend turned around and submitted a nine-page report to The Powers That Be. According to Us Weekly, Boniadi was subsequently and entirely coincidentally assigned to four months of hard labor, "including tasks such as digging ditches and cleaning public toilets with a toothbrush." Marc Headley, author of Blown For Good: Behind The Iron Curtain Of Scientology, claims Boniadi found out from him that the auditions had begun before their relationship was even terminated, breaking her heart, because the top dogs had failed to notice that they'd achieved the impossible: They had found a woman who could actually fall in love with Tom Cruise.

To be fair, this is all coming from people trying to sell their stories to magazines and sell books, but come on. We've spent the past few decades watching Tom Cruise do weirder things, on camera.

Manna probably has a Twitter.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!

For more ways famous people are really, really bizarre, check out 23 Insane Things Your Favorite Celebrities Believe and 23 Bizarre Demands Celebrities Have Made Behind The Scenes.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The 5 Most Hilariously Drug-Fueled Celebrity Interviews Ever, and other videos you won't see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we'll follow you everywhere.