6 Famous Men Who Did Creepy Things To Women They Slept With
Some famous people are characterized as eccentric, and that often extends to what happens below the waist. Historically, they're long gone before those unprintable love letters surface and the world finds out what nasty shit they were into. Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for our morbid curiosity, that's starting to change.
See, here in the age of the internet, anyone who earned enough trust to get in and out of their pants without signing an NDA can expose a star -- if they don't expose themselves first, in a manner of speaking. That's how we found out that ...
Donald Trump Required Dinner Dates To Take AIDS Tests
Look, the early months of the '90s were weird in a lot of ways. We all had to choose between metal and grunge, and neither side offered a great uniform. On the upside, we finally figured out how HIV works and stopped a lot of people from dying. One of those people, for better or worse, was Donald Trump, who proudly announced to New York Newsday in 1991 that anyone who wanted a piece of that post-divorce action would have to take an "AIDS test."
An early classic, from the guy who brought you "check out sex tape."
Now, it's just good foresight to discuss sexual health with prospective partners and exchange the requisite paperwork, and we would never shame someone for practicing safe sex. But this wasn't a discussion our future national embarrassment was proposing -- he insisted that his dates be tested by his personal doctor before he so much as made a reservation. There's conscientiousness and then there's scary control freaking, because believing that any woman willing to date Trump is smart enough to forge a doctor's note is a bit generous, to say the least.
Reminder that Trump's doctor since 1980 is this guy.
It's worth noting that at the best of times, Trump sounds like a Mad Libs filled out by a robot that has gained sentience and gone insane, and he wasn't any better back then. To explain his demands, he said, "It's one way to be careful. There are a lot of ways. I'm saying, take all of those ways and double them, because you will need them. It's very scary out there." As if there's some shadowy cabal of New York supermodels hunting him down and trying to give him the AIDS ... perhaps even as we speak? Tragic foreshadowing.
A 38-Year-Old Jerry Seinfeld Dated A Teenager He Approached In A Public Park
It's easy to watch old reruns of Seinfeld and question how Jerry scored such an impressive string of impressive women while also dressed like a Soviet department store mannequin, but in real life, Seinfeld was much less of a schlub. In the early '90s, he was the star of the most popular show on television. Regardless of his choice of sneakers, he could have any woman he wanted. So, naturally, he went to Central Park and picked up a teenage girl.
At the time, comedy fans were just relieved they were not related.
Now, before you get all judgy, Seinfeld insists that when he met 17-year-old Shoshanna Lonstein, he "didn't realize she was so young." And when it became apparent, "the age issue" was immediately forgotten, as any doubts he might've had were immediately drowned out by a mysterious, thunderous slap-bass resounding from the heavens.
JERRY: So we met in the park yada-yada-yada I was wearing a purple turtleneck yada-yada-yada dating!
He insisted they never dated until she was of legal age ("We just went to a restaurant, and that was it," he said, presumably referring to Chuck E. Cheese's), and that her youth wasn't what attracted him, calling her "extremely bright" and "very alert." These statements only raise further questions about exactly what Seinfeld thinks a date is, as well as his fetish for radioactive cats.
But while the media embarked on a bizarre campaign to implore the public to ignore "the age issue," it wasn't so easy for the couple to do the same. Like all high school romances, it started to unravel once she discovered frat parties. They very nearly became engaged, but Seinfeld was adamant that his wife wouldn't work, which presumably doesn't sit well with a recent UCLA grad, and Lonstein found herself "bored by Seinfeld talking constantly about work." Huh, it's almost like teenage girls and middle-aged men don't have much in common.
Derek Jeter Allegedly Gave Out Post-Coital Gift Baskets
To the dismay of baseball collectors everywhere, there's one rare item of Yankees memorabilia that only a select few will ever get their hands on: the lovely gift baskets that Derek Jeter reportedly handed to anyone who let him "get to third base."
Polishing his bat, meanwhile, only gets you a thank you card.
That sounds downright wholesome compared to everyone else on this list -- it's kind of heartwarming to imagine Jeter lovingly hand-picking baseballs from his closet of signing baseballs. However, the thoughtfulness was an illusion. One woman claimed she received the basket twice after Jeter forgot he already banged her, and both were identical. That means there's someone whose job it is to mass produce Yankees fuck baskets, which is less adorable, but at least has the upside of sounding like a regional sexual position.
Jeter denied the rumor in 2015, but earlier that year, someone put one of the alleged baskets up for sale on Craigslist. Just the basket itself, mind you, not any of the actual valuables, which makes the $1,950 asking price seem a bit steep.
We crunched the numbers and it's cheaper to fly to New York and seduce him. Just saying.
However, either the basket immediately sold or the seller had scammer's remorse, because the ad was quickly removed. We know from screenshots, however, that the woman apparently has mixed feelings about her spin on the prize wheel. She claimed she can still "describe every inch of Derek" in lieu of a certificate of authenticity, but also that she's since used the basket to hold toilet paper. There are metaphors that don't need to be explained.
Pablo Escobar's Actual Story Is Just Like Romeo And Juliet ... If Romeo Was 24 And Juliet 13
Plenty of liberties were taken with the life of Pablo Escobar as portrayed in Netflix's Narcos, chiefly concerning his wife, Tata. For one thing, she was never complicit in his violence, according to their son, and her name was Maria, because "Tata" isn't a name. However, the most ludicrous claim is that the 24-year-old Escobar met Maria at the shockingly tender age of 15. No, come on, that's not true. She was 13.
If the mustache fits ...
In Escobar's extremely dubious defense, he did the "right" thing and waited two whole years to marry her. Wait, no, that wasn't his choice at all -- they only waited because her parents very correctly objected to the relationship and apparently very incorrectly decided that a learner's permit was proof of maturity.
NETFLIX: We wanted an antihero, but we couldn't have the audience barfing for two seasons.
Unfortunately, to the shock of all involved, Maria got older, and Escobar promptly seemed to have lost interest in her for some reason. It's no secret that he respected his commitment to his wife about as much as the law, but what isn't widely known is that he continued to prefer young girls, even hosting orgies of underage virgins. If it seems odd that so many underage virgins would find themselves at orgies, it's because they probably weren't willing, and a lot of them never came back. But hey, those were some slick car chases, right?
The Yankees' Hideki Matsui Is The Joe DiMaggio Of Hoarding Pornography
Early in Hideki Matsui's career, he was advised to abstain from dating, as vaginas are energy-sucking vortices that would magically make him terrible at baseball. It's not clear who gave him this advice, or why no other Yankees player in history seems to have received it, but he took it terrifyingly to heart, amassing a staggering collection of pornography instead. We're not talking a couple of boxes in the closet -- imagine the scene from Beauty And The Beast where Belle is given her library, but instead of fine literature, it's dongs and hoo-has. Just wall-to-wall dongs and hoo-has and dongs and hoo-has.
"I've also married this anime drawing in a special ceremony."
Matsui was completely open about his hobby, and he even traded videos with Japanese sports writers, a benefit that is sorely undersold by journalism school. That was no secret, either: At his first American press conference, when he ran out of gifts for the writers in the crowd, he joked (we think?), "I'll get porn for the rest of you." Does ... does anyone who writes about Matsui get free smut? Because our contact info is under this article, Hideki.
"You in the front, you're getting Bored Kyoto MILFs XVII. Yeah, you look like a Bored Kyoto MILFs kind of guy."
As of 2012, Matsui's collection had swelled to 55,000 videos, even after all the ones he'd given away. It's like a boomerang of dicks -- the more he throws, the more come flying back at him. A writer at Deadspin actually crunched the numbers and determined it wasn't possible for Matsui to have watched all of those videos, unless he only watched a few seconds of each one. Needless to say, that doesn't speak well about his stamina outside of the baseball field.
The Alleged Tom Cruise Girlfriend Auditions
It doesn't seem like even past-his-prime War Of The Worlds-era Tom Cruise would need much help getting women, but the exalted few who got within boob-touching distance of him knew something we didn't yet: He is completely weird. Therefore, when it was decided by Scientology's masters that it was time for their poster boy to wife up, they hired a therapist to teach him how to be normal, or at least hide his weirdness until the papers were signed.
Just kidding, they held girlfriend auditions.
They were all held on top of tall buildings, since that's the only place where Cruise can achieve an erection.
This rumor has been floating around for some time and was largely regarded as a conspiracy theory (including by us), but more stories have come out that lend it credence. In 2016, actress and former Scientologist Cathy Schenkelberg claimed to have landed one of the fabled auditions. She didn't get the part, probably at least in part because she was under the impression that she was auditioning for a training video, not a spot on top of Jerry Maguire's dick. Oh, and because she called Cruise a "narcissistic baby," apparently not wondering why they would even ask her about him until it was over and another hopeful informed her what was going on. Maybe Scientologists are just asked every day what they think of Tom Cruise until they answer right- er, their thetans go away or whatever?
Her story seems to be undermined by reports that Cruise did, in fact, have a girlfriend at this time, actress Nazanin Boniadi ... but this is actually where things get really horrifying. According to Leah Remini, of King Of Queens but way more entertaining Scientology-whistleblowing fame, Boniadi was Scientology's failed first attempt to hire a girlfriend for Cruise. Boniadi was told she was being given a secret humanitarian mission, then got a makeover and instructions to sexually assault their golden calf. Seriously, she was told, "Why don't you be more aggressive with Tom and just put your hands down his pants when you see him?" She was constantly grilled on Cruise's satisfaction with her and eventually dumped by Scientology officials, because Tom Cruise can't even be bothered to send a breakup text.
He did leave her a goodbye message in one of the DVD extras of Collateral, but she saw it on Netflix.
When Boniadi confided to a friend that she was a little wigged out by the whole thing, that friend turned around and submitted a nine-page report to The Powers That Be. According to Us Weekly, Boniadi was subsequently and entirely coincidentally assigned to four months of hard labor, "including tasks such as digging ditches and cleaning public toilets with a toothbrush." Marc Headley, author of Blown For Good: Behind The Iron Curtain Of Scientology, claims Boniadi found out from him that the auditions had begun before their relationship was even terminated, breaking her heart, because the top dogs had failed to notice that they'd achieved the impossible: They had found a woman who could actually fall in love with Tom Cruise.
To be fair, this is all coming from people trying to sell their stories to magazines and sell books, but come on. We've spent the past few decades watching Tom Cruise do weirder things, on camera.
Manna probably has a Twitter.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!
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