The Alleged Tom Cruise Girlfriend Auditions
It doesn't seem like even past-his-prime War Of The Worlds-era Tom Cruise would need much help getting women, but the exalted few who got within boob-touching distance of him knew something we didn't yet: He is completely weird. Therefore, when it was decided by Scientology's masters that it was time for their poster boy to wife up, they hired a therapist to teach him how to be normal, or at least hide his weirdness until the papers were signed.
Just kidding, they held girlfriend auditions.
They were all held on top of tall buildings, since that's the only place where Cruise can achieve an erection.
This rumor has been floating around for some time and was largely regarded as a conspiracy theory (including by us), but more stories have come out that lend it credence. In 2016, actress and former Scientologist Cathy Schenkelberg claimed to have landed one of the fabled auditions. She didn't get the part, probably at least in part because she was under the impression that she was auditioning for a training video, not a spot on top of Jerry Maguire's dick. Oh, and because she called Cruise a "narcissistic baby," apparently not wondering why they would even ask her about him until it was over and another hopeful informed her what was going on. Maybe Scientologists are just asked every day what they think of Tom Cruise until they answer right- er, their thetans go away or whatever?
Her story seems to be undermined by reports that Cruise did, in fact, have a girlfriend at this time, actress Nazanin Boniadi ... but this is actually where things get really horrifying. According to Leah Remini, of King Of Queens but way more entertaining Scientology-whistleblowing fame, Boniadi was Scientology's failed first attempt to hire a girlfriend for Cruise. Boniadi was told she was being given a secret humanitarian mission, then got a makeover and instructions to sexually assault their golden calf. Seriously, she was told, "Why don't you be more aggressive with Tom and just put your hands down his pants when you see him?" She was constantly grilled on Cruise's satisfaction with her and eventually dumped by Scientology officials, because Tom Cruise can't even be bothered to send a breakup text.
Ken Ishii/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures
He did leave her a goodbye message in one of the DVD extras of Collateral, but she saw it on Netflix.
When Boniadi confided to a friend that she was a little wigged out by the whole thing, that friend turned around and submitted a nine-page report to The Powers That Be. According to Us Weekly, Boniadi was subsequently and entirely coincidentally assigned to four months of hard labor, "including tasks such as digging ditches and cleaning public toilets with a toothbrush." Marc Headley, author of Blown For Good: Behind The Iron Curtain Of Scientology, claims Boniadi found out from him that the auditions had begun before their relationship was even terminated, breaking her heart, because the top dogs had failed to notice that they'd achieved the impossible: They had found a woman who could actually fall in love with Tom Cruise.
To be fair, this is all coming from people trying to sell their stories to magazines and sell books, but come on. We've spent the past few decades watching Tom Cruise do weirder things, on camera.
Manna probably has a Twitter.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!
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