5 Horror Scenes Deleted From History For Being Too Creepy
Your history textbook is full of drama, political intrigue, even romance -- but there's one genre they seem to go out of their way to leave out: terrifying, underwear-ruining horror. And trust us, there's easily an underwear-load of it. If it's true that those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it, then for the love of God, please pay very close attention to the following ...
The Deadliest US School Mass Murder Happened In The 1920s
School shootings are unfortunately nothing new to America. But it's not a modern tragedy: the Enoch Brown school massacre predates the invention of the original Colt revolver by 70 years. However, as far as mass-murder goes, no school shooting comes close to the Bath School disaster of 1927.
Senior prank day is getting out of hand.
The madness started when a Michigan school board treasurer named Andrew Kehoe killed his wife and blew up his farm with dynamite, which detonated simultaneously with explosives he planted at the nearby Bath Consolidated School. As rescue workers arrived on the scene, Kehoe showed he was playing for keeps by pulling up in a truck filled with even more explosives and blowing himself up, killing the rescuers as well. In total, 58 people were injured and 45 killed -- as many fatal victims as Columbine and Virginia Tech combined. All this, in a tiny village of 300 residents. He killed 1/6th of the population.
As crazy as this sounds, the massacre could have been a lot worse. Subsequent investigation found Kehoe had planted additional charges at the school, which he had planned to detonate as well. Tip to teachers: If you see a crazed man carrying massive amounts of dynamite around school grounds, maybe don't just offer him a casual high five and be on your way?
"You go talk to him."
"Hell no, you see how much dynamite he has? You tell him."
So, why did he do it? Apparently, he was upset about high taxes, losing the town clerk election, and, oh yeah, he was fucking nuts. Obviously, the U.S. invested heavily in mental health after the disaster, and nothing like this ever happened again.
The Belgian Congo Was A Nightmare Land Where Severed Hands Were Practically Currency
During the late 19th century, King Leopold II of Belgium requested a huge chunk of central Africa to administer for humanitarian purposes. The European powers figured "eh, those poor people down there probably deserve a break," and the Congo Free State was born. Unfortunately, nobody asked King Leopold's exact definition of "humanitarian."
"It's humanitarian because this is good for me, and I'm human."
Faster than you can say "monorail," Leopold turned the Congo Free State into his own privately-owned slave state. The region's primary export was rubber, and if the Congolese didn't produce enough of it, Leopold's men took their hands. No, not for a gentle admonition -- they literally took their hands. "Baskets of severed hands" were collected on a regular basis in the Belgian Congo, including those from children as young as five. We know because we have photos of them.
Those Europeans couldn't tell, but they were all giving them the finger.
And then the whole situation really got out of ... well, you know. The men in King Leopold's forces were required to present one severed hand per bullet spent, to prove that they weren't wasting ammunition shooting at cans or something. Eventually, soldiers started going straight to collecting hands instead of bothering with the rubber at all, and whole villages had hand-chopping wars. "A land where the currency is severed body parts" sounds like something out of a fucked-up fantasy novel, but it actually happened.
The brutality of the Congo Free State served as the basis for Joseph Conrad's book Heart Of Darkness, while the character of Kurtz was based on Leon Rom, a prominent Belgian officer. Rom's Congo headquarters was reportedly surrounded by not one or two, but "hundreds" of severed heads. Some people hoard magazines or HDMI cables; this guy collected human heads.
Along with several first place trophies for his Waluigi cosplay.
As many as ten million people died under Belgian rule in the Congo Free State, or roughly ten percent of Africa's total population.
The Conquistadors Used An Army Of Real-Life Cujos To Massacre Natives
When the subject matter in a Cracked article gets too grisly, we like to show you photos of cute puppies. Here you go!
"Awww, look at him slaughtering the innocent just like daddy does!"
During the late 15th century, Spain deployed huge mastiffs weighing up to 250 lbs. against the Moors in Granada. These bred-for-death dogs were especially effective against enemies with little or no armor -- their powerful jaws easily tore through the leather protections, and then the flesh, and then the bones. They worked so well that, when Columbus made his second voyage to the New World and anticipated trouble, he packed some muskets, some sabers, and some dogs (who were "classed as weapons").
Many, many war dogs would follow. The Conquistadors used Irish greyhounds to chase down and massacre the indigenous Americans, sometimes to maintain the order in their new territory, and sometimes just to see what happened. There were even canine military celebrities. The most famous war-dog, Becerrillo, was a true weapon of terror and held a post similar to that of an executioner. He was brutally effective in the battlefield. In one nighttime raid, Becerrillo killed 33 natives entirely by himself over the course of a half-hour. His total kill-count is incalculable, but according to Spanish chronicles, he was often seen "with his mouth dripping from the blood of his victims."
So ... nobody else thinks he's adorable?
"Who's a merciless instrument of death and instruction? You are!"
Becerillo's son, Leoncico, was just as brutal -- he was even named a corporal and earned "a crossbowman's pay." Well sure, your dog doesn't murder countless people. But does he earn a salary? No? Then he is, objectively, a bad dog, isn't he?
Andrew Jackson Collected Scalps And Noses
Andrew Jackson hated Native Americans like Jason Voorhees hates horny teenagers. Not content with just killing them, he then insisted on mutilating their bodies in horrific ways. The guy on your $20 bill once boasted: "I have on all occasions preserved the scalps of my killed," which isn't the most inspirational quote we've heard from a president.
When Jackson's defenders talk about how good he was for "adopting" a Native American baby whose entire family died, they usually fail to mention why they were dead in the first place. Jackson, who had no qualms about targeting peaceful encampments, had his men systematically murder hundreds of Creek Indian men, women, children, and even infants ... and then cut off their noses to keep track of exactly how many they killed. According to one account, the soldiers ended up with "a pile of 557 noses." That really sounds like something we should be saying about Attila The Hun, not the 7th U.S. president.
"Now, to focus on making my forehead taller."
Man, who could have suspected that the president who once murdered a dude over gambling debts was a bit of a psycho?
"I could stand in the middle of the woods and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose any voters!"
Vlad The Impaler Earns His Nickname
Vlad III was taken from his homeland as a young man and held hostage in the Ottoman Empire, at which point both his father and brother were assassinated. Fortunately, since Vlad's life had all the makings of a decent Ridley Scott movie, he broke free and reclaimed his throne at age 26. To celebrate, he invited two hundred nobles and their families for a dinner on Easter Sunday, 1457. He was an all right guy, that Vlad.
Now, to find out why they called him "the Impaler."
Definitely the creepiest character Jim Henson ever designed.
Vlad then asked his guests how old they were, not to serve them booze, but "to determine whom among them ... participated in the plot ten years earlier to oust his family from Wallachia." To show his gratitude for their part in his long Ottoman vacation, Vlad took those dozens of nobles outside and had each of them impaled. Being a naturally artistic type, Vlad then arranged the bodies along the hillside in rows subsequently known as the "Forest Of The Impaled."
"You know what? You're cool. I like you. You're getting it through the chest."
And the festivities went on! The nobles' surviving wives and children were then taken into the mountains and forced to build a fortress for him -- all while still wearing their fine Easter clothes. Finally, after months of toiling until their clothes literally fell off, Vlad rewarded the survivors by ... also impaling them. Look, he was called Vlad The Impaler, not Vlad The Guy Who Lets A Bunch Of Nobles Go.
"Sorry, gotta protect the brand."
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!
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