There are snakes in your toilet.
THERE ARE SNAKES IN YOUR TOILET.
Royal Thai Army Radio and Television
SNAKES. IN. YOUR. TOILET.
While both insecure and all men have been known to exaggerate the size of their trouser snake from time to time, no man wants an actual snake in their trousers. Just ask the world's unluckiest Thai man, who got the surprise of his life when a python crawled up through his toilet and bit him right on the dick. And with that, you will now feel 20 percent less safe every time you poop for the rest of your life.
The following sentence is one part journalism, one part education, and two parts dick joke: While the man lost a lot of blood -- dick blood -- pythons are not venomous, so he still had the strength to beat off the snake and survive the ordeal. Think about the courage of this man. He had to pinch off his bowels while wrestling a snake to death with two brand-new holes in his wang. The word "hero" is too small.
And his real name, Attaporn Boonmakchuay, is too goddamn hilarious.