The Truth

This happened last year to a Canadian couple. As their bundle of joy was being rocked to sleep, eerie music started playing over the baby monitor, a sinister voice told them they were being watched, and then almost certainly both baby and parents needed to be changed.

Oh, and this wasn't an isolated incident. Not by a long shot. People report lunatics screaming at their babies through internet-enabled monitors all the time, including one family who couldn't understand why their child was so afraid of the "man in the monitor." The mystery was solved in gut-wrenching fashion when a family member heard these words come out of the device:

"Wake up, little boy. Daddy's looking for you."

CTV News London
*Play for full effect*

Lunatics, are there not enough squirrels left in your neighborhood to crucify? Find another hobby. Video games seem to be very welcoming to your kind lately.

The Myth:

There are snakes in your toilet.

The Truth

THERE ARE SNAKES IN YOUR TOILET.

Royal Thai Army Radio and Television
SNAKES. IN. YOUR. TOILET.

While both insecure and all men have been known to exaggerate the size of their trouser snake from time to time, no man wants an actual snake in their trousers. Just ask the world's unluckiest Thai man, who got the surprise of his life when a python crawled up through his toilet and bit him right on the dick. And with that, you will now feel 20 percent less safe every time you poop for the rest of your life.

The following sentence is one part journalism, one part education, and two parts dick joke: While the man lost a lot of blood -- dick blood -- pythons are not venomous, so he still had the strength to beat off the snake and survive the ordeal. Think about the courage of this man. He had to pinch off his bowels while wrestling a snake to death with two brand-new holes in his wang. The word "hero" is too small.

BBTV-7
And his real name, Attaporn Boonmakchuay, is too goddamn hilarious.

Terrifyingly enough, this wasn't only time something like this has happened. A few years back, an Israeli man also had a bathroom run-in with a snake. It was a normal bowel movement, until suddenly: surprise snake to the dick! Luckily, it -- like the previous toilet intruder -- was non-venomous, but no one is fully comfortable using the word "luckily" when snakes are biting you on the dick, and he still had to seek medical attention.

Malibu Bay Films
It's rare that cheesy Hollywood B-schlock gets shit right, but ... yeah, it's basically this.

So remember these snake tales, reader! Remember these tales of sudden genital bites the next time you're trying to relax on the toilet! And especially remember them if a romantic evening with your snake goes badly and you need a less embarrassing story to tell your penis doctor!

The Myth:

A family hears rustling in the night. An intruder? A burglar? They cautiously search their home, but find no evidence of a break-in. Deeming it a false alarm, they decide to sooth their jangled nerves with a roaring fire. But as things get going, screams erupt from the fireplace! The screams of a man being burned aliiiiiiive!!!

The Truth

Sure, sliding down the chimney may seem like a clever way in for a hopeful burglar, but if you get stuck (and let's just count on you getting stuck), that chimney will become your vertical casket. And starving to death while snuggling sooty bricks is not the worst way to die. The first, of course, is still an accident in Melania Trump's sex swing. But right below that is being roasted alive.

Nexstar Broadcasting. Inc.
His chestnuts went first.

On a chilly afternoon in Fresno County, a family decided to light a fire. Once the fire got crackling, screams, smoke, and a distinct roast burglar aroma started to billow out of the fireplace.

As it turns out, a 19-year-old intruder had tried to slide down the chimney the night before and got stuck. He was now being fucking barbecued by the family he tried to rob. The terrified family doused the flames as quickly as they could and a rescue team dismantled the fireplace, but it was too late. The would-be burglar was done.

Well done.

The Truth

That happened. Probably not to you, but absolutely maybe you, though allegedly to a man in Washington D.C. in 2014. He was in the dental offices of Dr. Bilal Ahmed, getting a chipped tooth repaired. He woke up during the procedure to find more than Dr. Ahmed's scalpel depressor on his tongue. Let's be perfectly clear: While he slept, his dentist placed a dentist penis into his mouth.

kolaybirsey/iStock
He probably "forgot" to tell him to spit afterward, too.

Dr. Ahmed tried to laugh it off by saying the patient was hallucinating, which is probably a hard sell when you come out of your dentist's office with nearly twice as much pubic hair in your mouth than when you went in. Despite the awesome alibi of "Haha, WHAT!?" Ahmed was charged with first-degree sexual abuse. Which should really hurt his business since, judging by his 1.5 stars on Yelp, he's not a very good dentist even when he's not placing his penis in people's mouths.

The Truth

If you're wondering if anyone has ever died from hot peppers, the answer is yes. A far-too-brave forklift driver, Andrew Lee, made a bet with his girlfriend's brother regarding who could cook up a hotter chili. Andrew won that bet, but at a terrible cost: The day after eating his impossibly over-spiced hot sauce, he straight-up died.

Frank Fennema/iStock
If the pepper's Scoville number looks like Bill Gates' bank account, stay the fuck away.

According to witnesses, Andrew began to itch violently after eating the chili, and he suffered a heart attack the next morning. It sounds like an allergic reaction, but Andrew identified himself as a spicy food lover, and never had any reactions to it before. It's speculated that his ultra-spicy dish actually ate through his stomach, delivering a mega-dose of capsaicin (the stuff that makes chilies hot) directly into his bloodstream. In other words, Andrew literally turned his blood into hot sauce and gave himself heartburn in his heart. That's like something Freddy Krueger would do to kill Guy Fieri in a dream.

The Myth

You wake up in a bathtub full of ice with a note that reads: CALL AN AMBULANCE. The good news is that you've lost several pounds. The bad news is that it was all kidney weight. While you were asleep, someone took your organs. Not your organs! Those are your favorite kinds of organ -- yours!

The Truth

The Knights Templar are a crime cartel operating in the Mexican state of Michoacan, and they are evil on another level. They seem like something a troubled comics writer would conceive of to give the Punisher someone special to kill. Word is, they devised a complicated scheme to harvest human organs. And not merely anyone's organs -- organs from schoolchildren.

Silenthill02
We're pretty sure knights are not supposed to do that.

They would stalk their targets, kidnap them, and take them to a rental home, where their organs were surgically removed. This operation was eventually foiled, but not by sending psychics through neighborhoods listening for furious ghost shrieks -- rather, by local vigilante groups which formed to battle the cartels. Yes, Mexico is a terrifying comic book right now.

There's a happy(ish) ending to this story. Mexican authorities say the cartels make so much money through illegal mining, illegal logging, and extortion, that organ trafficking is becoming more rare. So next time you're thinking about vacationing in sunny Michoacan, remember that "a long list of crimes becoming more profitable than child organ harvesting" is considered "good news" there.

In addition to confirming your worst phobias for Cracked, Nathan has written tons of (usually less terrifying) stuff for sites like Uproxx and IGN. You can catch his latest brain droppings on his website, or by following him on Twitter.

You know all those facts you've learned about psychology from movies and that one guy at the party who says, "actually ..." a lot? Please forget them. Chances are none of them are true. Take the Stanford Prison Experiment, the one famous psychology study people can name. It was complete bullshit. Funny story actually, it turns out that when you post flyers that say "Hey, do you wanna be a prison guard for the weekend? Free food and nightsticks," you might not get the most stable group of young men. So join Jack O'Brien, the Cracked staff and some special guests as they debunk Rorschach tests, the Mozart effect and middle child syndrome, so soon you can be that person at the party who says, "Actually ..." Get your tickets here!

For more creepy crap that'll make you ... crap ... your pants, check out 5 Weird Stalking Stories With Creepy Plot Twists and 23 Creepy Unsolved Mysteries Nobody Can Explain.

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