They weren't necessarily bored, though. A medieval monk couldn't just grab a pen from the junk drawer -- they had to fashion their instruments from scratch, so they did a quick doodle to test them out. Sometimes they got carried away. You know how it is. You start with a little circle and, before you know it, boom: merman getting arrowed in the butt.

via io9
The twentieth craziest part of the Bible.

Most of these doodles were found on the first and last pages of their books, which were then glued to the covers, meaning they were never meant to be seen. That, uh, certainly explains a lot.

The ones that were absolutely put there on purpose, though, are some of the most baffling. This illustration supposedly depicts the conception of Alexander The Great:

British Library
"Charizard! How could you!"

Although there are plenty of supernatural legends surrounding that humpfest, we're not aware of any that involved dragons, but we do thank the artist for that still-life improv comedy prompt.

The inscriptions are around 2,500 years old, making them some of the oldest known "erotic graffiti," which is a very air-quotes way of saying "ancient bathroom wall dongle-doodles." Amidst the ocean of flop goblins were the usual initials and "so-and-so was here," including two swords in battle, so to speak. The artist signed these inscriptions "Dion," meaning that was either their name or someone they really hated. Another inscription reads "Nikasitimos was here mounting Timiona." In lieu of pouring one out, high-five the ground for those dudes.

This wasn't an isolated case of dick vandalism. Elsewhere, in what was once the ancient Greek city of Aphrodisias (present day Turkey), researchers recently found a wall decorated with dongs, faces, and dongs going into faces.

Angelos Chaniotis
This is what happens when your roommate sees you left your Face-wall open.

Vlachopoulos insists that these types of relics provide valuable insight into the lives of the ancient Greeks. The messages not only confirm that man-on-man action was a pretty accepted mode of freak on-getting, but they also suggest that the common people were literate at a time and place when only the elite were thought to be. So next time you find yourself in a stall staring down a big ol' Sharpie snake, remember that future people will use it to prove that, despite all evidence to contrary, we knew how to read.

Sure, that doesn't look much like the contents of your roommate's closet, but scientists not only confirmed that the residue found inside those big vessels was opium and cannabis, but that both drugs were smoked at the same time. Yeah, the Scythians did not fuck around. Apparently, decorating everything like a death metal album cover is a pothead tradition as old as time. One of the bongs is carved with scenes of various mythological creatures ripping each other apart, including "a stag in a bleak landscape that [archaeologist] Belinski thinks represents the Scythian underworld." In other words, actual hell.

1tv
The ancient equivalent of a "Grim Reaper smoking weed" t-shirt.

The other depicts "an old, bearded man slaying young warriors," a scene that one archaeologist believes may represent what is known as the "Bastard Wars" -- what happened when a bunch of Scythians returned from a 30-year war with Persia to find a whole lot of children with whom they couldn't remember impregnating anyone.

National Geographic
Turns out Game Of Thrones was real, but there was a lot more giggling and junk food binging.

The "I'd like to speak to a manager" haircut may be a modern invention, but the sentiment sure isn't. In the British Museum (there's apparently just the one) lies the BC version of a comments card, carved into a stone tablet by a guy who was pissed at his copper dealer. Behold, the world's first negative Yelp review:

The British Museum
We're assuming those are all caps.

For those of you who don't speak Old Babylonian, the gist of the message is that a dude named Nanni was promised "fine quality copper ingots" from a dealer named Ea-nasir. Unfortunately, the quality of the product wasn't up to his standards. He relays in hilariously dignified tones just how offended he is by the transaction and complains that the messengers he's sent through enemy territory to get his money back have all returned empty-handed. Yeah, working for Nanni sucked.

The best part? The whole reason Ea-nasir stiffed Nanni was because Nanni owed him money in the first place. Nanni openly admits this in his complaint but argues that "one (trifling) mina of silver" shouldn't stop him from getting the star treatment. And they say this generation is entitled.

Lamenting the lack of their opponent's ...

InTranslation
Not sure which type of ass he means, but it works both ways.

And good old genital threats.

InTranslation
"Yeah, he's kind of a weirdo, but he's still my cousin."

Aside from being sick as hell, this also put Kennedy in the history books for being the first person on the record to insultingly compare a person to excrement. Dunbar hit him back good, though. DJ, spin that shit: "Gray-visaged gallows-bird, out of your wits gone wild / Loathsome and lousy, as wet as a cress / Since you with worship would so fain be styled / Hail, Monsignor! Your balls droop below your dress."

C. Hansen
"WHO WON?! WHO'S NEXT?!"

Of course, this being around the time we were still pretty sure women were just barely disguised demons, they weren't the only ones trafficking in misogynist humor. While Scotland was inventing the rap battle, France was inventing the dumb joke book.

Funny short stories called "fabliaux," which usually concerned sex or some other shameful bodily function, were circulated anonymously. One famous example, The Four Wishes Of St. Martin, tells of a man who cursed his wife to sprout tiny vaginas all over her body. (Fun fact: This after she wishes his body to be covered with dicks but before the couple accidentally wishes all their vaginas and dongs away, including their originals.) Yes, as a matter of fact, that is more or less the plot of an episode of South Park. The man then jokes, "Honey, don't worry, because now you will never walk down the street without being well known [recognized for what you are]." That's actually a play on the Old French words for "know" and "vagina" -- as if sexism wasn't bad enough, they had to go and throw in a pun.

When archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old clay pot containing a "glassy, foamy substance" in the Danish wetlands, they were more excited than you might expect. Such objects are usually found destroyed, you see, with any organic matter contained therein long since washed away. What was the blackened residue? The product of a Norse blood ritual? A Bronze Age speedball, which is apparently a possibility? Nope -- it was cheese. And not even good cheese.

Museum Silkeborg
Some poor Norse ghost is still waiting for the extra cheese pizza he ordered.

Specifically, it was some weird-ass cheese made with the fat from inside a cow's stomach (try not to think too hard about the process that involved). The cheese was promptly scalded and then shamefully buried in a clay pit, which is what kept it so well-preserved. One archaeologist theorized that it was so hastily ditched because it stunk so bad, proving that people have been embarking on ill-advised cooking experiments with exotic foodstuffs for at least a few millennia.

The next time your roommate yells at you for drunkenly leaving leftover Kraft dinner on the stove and throwing away their ruined pot, just tell them it's a tradition that's very important to your people. This will require you to be Danish, so be sure to make up a relative named Hans first.