5 Groups You Think Control The World (Are Shockingly Weak)

Since then, the increasingly desperate club has stayed afloat by opening membership to the greater public and hosting live acts, such as known agents of Satan the Steve Miller Band and the slightly less Satanic but still solid comedian Conan O'Brien.

Alex Jones thinks he broke a giant story by sneaking into Bohemian Grove, when really, all he had to do was pay the cover charge.

Let's face it, convincing millennials that it's cool to dress up in weird costumes and refer to each other by stupid titles is a hard sell, and even if you manage it, Dungeons & Dragons doesn't charge a membership fee. Competition is harsh. Currently, new membership in the Freemasons is on the upswing, though suggesting that Masonry is on a rebound is kind of like saying that global warming is bullshit because it's cold outside. Between 2008 and 2009, the average age of Freemason membership dropped from 71 to 65. All that means is that your average Masonic booze-up is filled with fewer Mick Jaggers and more Paul McCartneys -- either way, very little difference for your average Justin Bieber.

Wiki Commons
You can become a Mason to get a funny name and learn in-jokes, or you could become an internet commenter.

Membership numbers might be even lower if not for the fact that quitting the Freemasons is rather difficult. But that doesn't mean you're going to find a horse head on your pillow if you try. It's more like a gym membership -- stop paying your dues, and you'll get constant passive-aggressive spam emails begging you to come back.

In America, Masonic lodges are falling into disrepair, due to abandonment or all of their members being too damn old to climb a ladder and change a light bulb.

Cory Seamer, via nyslandmarks.com
They should hire some of those craftsmen who do stonework professionally.

As of 2000, 130 lodges in Britain closed over a period of five years, due to lack of interest, with 6,000 members quitting or dying per year. Many more of the remaining lodges continue with single-figure memberships, meaning that your local Masonic order could probably all fit in the same minivan.

How's that for a sinister picture?

Since then, you can only assume that Scientology has grown even more powerful. A decade from now, we might have to amend the Constitution to add Lord Xenu to the Pledge of Allegiance.

But no, Scientology's rate of new membership is falling faster than your average Thetan's power level or ... however that nonsense works. In fact, this elite secret society is so desperate for members that they've taken to putting up ads on Craigslist, meaning that their main competitors these days are urine-soaked sofas and suspicious-smelling recliners.

Church of Scientology/Craigslist
"IT'S TOTALLY OK TO CONTACT SELLER WITH UNSOLICITED SERVICES AND OFFERS ... PLEASE ... ANYONE ..."

According to Scientology's official spokespeople, the Church is still experiencing "enormous growth," and more people than ever believe space ghosts rule from coast to coast. Former high-ranking Church member and Scientology marketing guru Jefferson Hawkins gives a different story. Church recruitment is so dire, he claims, that Scientology has more or less abandoned the effort to recruit more members and focused on desperately trying to retain the members it already has.

Hell, at this point, Scientology isn't even the most popular science-fiction-themed religion. In 2011, a British census recorded that around 70 times more people in Britain identified as Jedi than Scientologists.

For decades, conspiracy theorists have noted that a disturbing number of America's politicians, bankers, media personalities, and presidents are alumni of a Yale University fraternity ominously known as the Skull and Bones Society. Yes, they're called Skull and Bones Society, they meet in a building they call "The Tomb," and they reportedly drink out of human skulls. They're so blatantly, ridiculously, over-the-top evil that they'd give a standard GOP meeting a run for their money.

Yale Banner
Their logo is the goddamn poison warning.

But despite their reputation as an old-school white men's club whose entire mission is to keep the power structure of America as white and as male as possible, the Skull and Bones Society is now impressively inclusive. Or depressingly inclusive, depending on which side of politics you fall on.

Every year, Skull and Bones selects 15 seniors from Yale to be inducted into their club, and 2010 was the first year that the selection included more ethnic minorities than whites. If you're some asshole still rooting for the continuation of the straight white male status quo, then this story only gets worse -- in 2011, the recruitment drive led to the induction of two gay students, one bisexual student, and one trans student. And since then, the ratio of male and female has been pretty much equally split, making Skull and Bones one of the most egalitarian secret societies out there.

Skull and Bones
"Our founders would be turning in their graves, if we hadn't dug them up to drink from their craniums."

Members of the Skull and Bones are still sworn into secrecy about what goes on in their Halloween-themed clubhouse, but at the very least, evil is making a point to give fair and balanced representation to all. Which, uh ... doesn't sound all that evil anymore?

And this hasn't gone unnoticed by the paranoids, maniacs, and comedy writers out there. One hugely popular theory says that DARPA has a functional weather machine, like the one in Command & Conquer. The giant machine, situated in Alaska, is called HAARP (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program), and it's frequently blamed for creating hurricanes Katrina and Sandy, as well as the Japanese tsunami of 2011. Even Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez once blamed America's weather weapon for a tragic disaster -- the 2010 Haiti earthquake. That's ... weather?

Now, HAARP actually exists, but hold off on joining the resistance. Its only purpose was to bounce radio waves off the upper atmosphere in order to analyze boring physics stuff that we don't understand and therefore call boring. We put all of this in the past tense because the HAARP facility has been abandoned since 2014.

U.S. Air Force
Because no one was willing to keep working somewhere essentially called "herp derp."

Despite conspiracy theorists who continue to blame DARPA's nefarious weather manipulation technology for every hurricane, earthquake, typhoon, tornado, and landslide that occurs in the world, the reality is that the sinister facility has been deactivated for two years. After DARPA decided that it had no financial incentive to keep the accursed thing, HAARP was sold to the University of Alaska, which hopes to save up the finances to boot up the facility again one day, and rule the world with an iron syllabus.

For more reasons stock in tinfoil is on the rise, check out 6 People Who Secretly Ruled The World and 6 People You've Never Heard Of (Who Secretly Rule The World).

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