6 People Who Secretly Ruled The World
Hey, remember that Dick Cheney guy? You know, the shadowy old man lurking behind George W. Bush and tugging on the strings that jerkily moved Bush's limbs? He still turns up on Fox News sometimes?
Well, it turns out that history is full of those guys, the power behind the power whose names don't come up in history class, but who were happy to change history from the shadows.
#6.
The Woman Behind Alexander the Great: Olympias
The Figurehead:
Alexander the Great was, well, great (there was very little tendency towards sarcastic monikers in ancient times). By the time he died, he was the proclaimed king of Asia, with a kingdom which stretched from Greece and Egypt to modern India--comprising one of the largest and most culturally diverse empires the world has ever seen. Intelligent, courageous and a leader of men; Alexander the Great was a man's man.
The Woman Behind the Scenes
He was also a momma's boy. You may already be tangentially aware of the existence of Alexander's mother thanks to the frighteningly boner-inducing depiction of Olympias by Angelina Jolie. Never has an audience been given so much reason to forgive an Oedipus Complex than the movie Alexander.
Beautiful, powerful and heavily involved in a snake-worshiping cult of Dionysus, Olympias is regularly depicted as sleeping with snakes. Hell, Olympias was the Angelina Jolie of 4th century B.C.
When questions came up about Alexander's claim to the throne, she claimed that the god Zeus himself impregnated her under an oak tree, a legitimate claim to any damn throne Alex could point a finger at. Knowing Olympias, that is strangely plausible.
When her husband, Phillip, took a new wife and divorced Olympias, she had him assassinated. Well, we don't know for sure she was behind it, but let's just say she is said to have placed a golden crown on the murderer, dedicated a memorial to him and hung the sword he used to kill Phillip in a temple of Apollo, elevating it to the status of a legendary weapon. She then forced her replacement wife to hang herself and had the two children she had with Phillip killed, assuring Alexander's claim to the throne was unrivaled.
When the now-king Alexander was gone (read: the entire time he was king), Olympias wielded great influence and power, often contradicting the efforts of the guy who was supposed to do that, the regent Antipater. Antipater's many official complaints on the matter went unnoticed by Alexander, who was happy to let his mother do as she wished. Hell, between wanting to fuck her and being scared to death of her, who wouldn't?
"Mom I gotta be honest, I am, like, six different kinds of uncomfortable right now."
The Final Bitchslap
After Alexander's death, Olympias remained a prominent world figure, waging wars on behalf of her grandson's failed claim to the throne. Most telling is the last message from Antipater to his beloved Macedonian people. On his deathbed, with Olympias eager for the opportunity his vacant seat would provide, Antipater coughed out a warning to the Macedonians to never let a woman rule over them. Not a hot one, anyway.
#5.
The Man Behind Napoleon: Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord
The Figurehead:
Napoleon was short, had a tiny penis and a made up for it in a highly aggressive and confrontational manner. He was also arguably the most brilliant general the world has ever seen, staking claim to nearly the entire European continent with a series of dazzling and brilliant military campaigns.
The Man Behind The Scenes
While Napoleon was out declaring war on everyone he saw, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord was back home acting as Napoleon's Minister of Foreign Relations, a position we can only assume was given sarcastically, like Canada's Minister of War. Talleyrand-Perigord outsmarted and out-strategized Napoleon at every turn, going behind his back to work out deals with Austria and Russia to try and keep Napoleon in check. He made treason cool again by the sheer balls of doing it to the shortest, most overcompensating man the world has ever seen.
The guy who owns Napoleon's penis assures us it looks like "a maltreated shoelace, or shriveled eel."
Talleyrand-Perigord always happened to be on the right side during some of France's most politically turbulent times; generally the side whose guys weren't being beheaded. He knew the game of politics like none other. So, when Napoleon discovered that the man was heading a plot to betray him and called all his ministers to his palace to surprise him with the charges, Talleyrand-Perigord just sat there looking bored.
This infuriated Napoleon who had more been expecting something along the lines of quivering and trembling. So he threw a tantrum, complete with stomping feet and threats, calling Charles, "shit in a silk stocking" and saying that he "deserved to be broken like glass." When he was done, Talleyrand-Perigord said in a disappointed tone of voice, "What a pity that so great a man should have such bad manners."
Such tiny, tiny manners.
Though Talleyrand-Perigord was fired, Napoleon came out looking like the bad guy. As Charles himself put it, it was "the beginning of the end" for Napoleon.
The Final Bitchslap:
After Napoleon was exiled, France went through some pretty rough times. Talleyrand-Perigord engineered for Napoleon to escape exile and, with the help of England and Austria, he even made it possible for Napoleon to return to power, knowing that he would just lead France into war once more. He also knew that given France's decrepit state that this would lead to a resounding defeat from which Napoleon's swelling reputation would not recover.
After 100 days in power, Napoleon was famously defeated in the battle of Waterloo and exiled once again, this time for good. One final time, Talleyrand-Perigord played Napoleon like a bitch. In his own words, "Regimes may fall and fail, but I do not."
#4.
The Man Behind Genghis Khan: Yelu Chucai
The Figurehead:
Besides being the world's greatest conqueror, Genghis Khan is the common ancestor of about one percent of the entire human population, thanks to the sheer amount of boning he did. Genghis organized the Mongol clans into the kind of brutal force that later inspired J.R.R. Tolkien's orcish horde.
Yet for all his seemingly mindless razing and pillaging, Khan was a man with a plan: show no mercy, run a strict rule of law and annihilate your enemies. It wasn't a terribly nuanced plan, but goddamn did it work.
The Man Behind The Scenes:
Among Genghis's circle of advisers was Yelu Chucai, a clever outsider who found himself in the unique position of an intellectual among rapists (tell us about it!).
Nicknamed "Long Beard" by Genghis for his... long beard, Yelu was a tempering voice during Mongol rule. For instance, Genghis saw nothing in China but a place that lacked pasturing for his horses and had said that "It would be better to exterminate the Chinese and let the grass grow." Yelu, himself a foreigner, appealed to Genghis's self-interest to save many Chinese cities.
Given that Genghis had just three motivations--pasture for ponies, women for raping and gold for pillaging--and given that two of those would be most easily attained by utterly destroying every Chinese city he came upon, Yelu's job wasn't easy. But he convinced Genghis that a whole lot more gold could be had from China by merely taxing them.
Mongolopoly. Quite possibly the simplest game ever invented.
Time and again, Yelu used this strategy to convince Genghis to show mercy (a concept previously unknown to the Mongols) to many Chinese cities--the capital city of Kaifeng among them--to the spitting rage of his bloodthirsty generals.
The Final Bitchslap:
Yelu's system of taxation and governance proved too profitable to ignore. So much so that even Genghis's successor, Ogedei, kept him on staff to run the bureaucracy of Northern China. This from a man who once openly mocked Yelu's insistence to tax cities rather than raze them, saying, "Are you going to weep for the people again?" Yelu's response to Ogedei was that empires could sure be conquered on horseback, but not ruled from them. He's been proven right for about eight consecutive centuries now.
Napoleon Bonaparte dodged factors that were not popular with the french republic, he rid himself of Charles so he wouldn't get f*****g EXECUTED.
ReplyHow is it that Rasputin was made the villain of Anastasia, if he died before Anastasia ever made her claim to the throne?
ReplyHe was very much dead as the villain of the fox movie anastasia. Hence the body parts falling off and such.
Anastasia was a Dreamworks film...not Disney...had to say it lol, although that Rasputin character was creepy >.
Replydur not dreamworks...Fox...reading too many things at once lol
That's totally true, I have no inclination to do my own research. Not like it matters, I believe each and every word in every last Cracked article.
ReplyI was disappointed in the end of the article. Assuming you're an American (yes, when I assume I make an ass out of u and me, but I digress), #1 was chosen with a biased decision. Grand Vizier Ay or Yelu Chucai were certainly in way more control over the entire world than Edith Wilson, especially at a point in time where the United States wasn't even at its peak.
ReplyNapoleon wasn't short, historically. He was slightly above average height for a man in France, at the time. The explanation for the mythology regarding the man's height is a misinterpretation of the state of mind that is attributed to him: The "Napoleon Complex". This complex refers to the mindset of some to overcompensate in areas in areas where they excel, to make up for areas in which they lack (most often attributed short men). However, this complex gains its name from Napoleon's desire to prove himself as an apt leader, due to his non aristocratic upbringing. He was a general, but not of noble blood, which reciprocated very little respect from the aristocracy. Before the advent of American (and this particular brand of French) Democracy, it was considered absurd that someone of common blood could lead. I'm too lazy to look through the comments so I apologize for possibly echoing.
ReplyAlexander a mama's boy? Certainly possible. As for his wanting to shtup her, Alexander's long term boyfriend Hephaestion would argue against it.
Replyhe may have been a man lover but he also liked to bang woman it is widely accepted that he had alot of female lovers
This is true, women were treated like cattle in ancient Greece, considered not good for much but getting pregnant. Men like Alexander held contempt for women, and Greek men often only loved and respected their best male friends. "Man Loving" as you call it was more than rampant and widely accepted. Plus, have you ever seen Greek women when they don't shave? I bet they thought his mom was so smoking hot simply because she was in a high enough position to afford a razer.
For the record, Meatless Mondays were pretty important.
ReplyAnastasia wasn't a Disney movie, so Rasputin wasn't a Disney villain. Just saying.
ReplyAs a Romanov fanatic, the Rasputin section is driving me insane.
Reply1) Aleksey was spoiled, but that's to be expected. He was the tsar's only son. But that anecdote about him hitting people was discussed on the Alexander Palace message boards( a place filled with other Romanov fanatics), and it was decided it was probably BS, as an original source for it could not be found. It was probably made up much later.
And Rasputin had little to no influence on Nicholas and the army. Nicholas decided to head the army himself because he felt he needed to be closer to the action, and he always regretted not heading the army with the war in Japan in 1905. Rasputin did try to get Nicholas to take certain actions, but these were pretty much ignored.
Yeah, I loved this article for the most part, but the perpetuation of Rasputin mythology is silly. He wasn't even poisonstabshot, just shot, once in the head, most likely by a Brit. Then everyone at the party made up the rest to make it sound more like they'd battled evil, and less like they'd invited a hillbilly over for cake and then shot him in the face.
Rasputin never screwed the Empress, or anyone from the Royal family. He had little to no influence on Nikolai as well - the most he could do is blackmail the family now and then. He was an unbelievable asshole, though, but there is a first hand evidence of the following happening: Alexei cut a finger once, obviously it was life threatening for him, but Rasputin was not in the palace and so hopelessly drunk he couldn't get there quick enough, so they gave him a phone, he talked to Alexei for a minute and the bleeding stopped.
ReplyAlexei was not really all that spoiled, by the way. Typical royal kid, not to mention he got like ten times more care dedicated to him. Grew out of his spoiled-ness.
I don't believe Rasputin was *that* much of an asshole. He liked sex, yes, but so what? And true, he was a drunk, but he handed out money by the handfulls to the poor, and I've enver heard the story of Aleksey cutting his finger and needing Rasputin. Truthfully, Aleksey only nearly died twice from his hemophilia, although it did make him an invalid his whole life. The first time was his attack at Spala in Poland in 1912, and the second was a bloody nose in 1915. Rasputin was called upon, and responded, both times.
Anastasia isn't a Disney film. I think it was Fox or something... I don't remember. Doesn't really matter anyway.
ReplyBut I couldn't agree LESS about their accents being "sexy."
Yup, Fox.
I guess the Cracked guys had been getting confused because it was made by Don Bluth. I don't remember Disney making Anastasia.
The Mongopoly had me on the floor
ReplyWilson did everything in his racist 'Birth of a Nation' loving misogynist power to prevent women from voting.
ReplyIt is like saying Franklin Roosevelt loved Japanese people despite being at war with their mother nation and never would have dreamed about interning hundreds of thousands of them in prison camps.
Khan wasn't really all that bad, and the idea wasn't completely his adviser's.
Alexander the Great didn't want to bone his mom, he was far too gay for that.
Rasputin did bone the Russian Queen. He was also nigh immortal like most Russians.
Good article otherwise, even if it was inaccurate from time to time.
Also Napoleon wasn't short
No, Rasputin did not. There is no proof that he did; it's an unsubstantiated rumor and nothing more.
Just so you don't think I'm some Romanov toady, think about it - it doesn't make sense: Alexandra was an incredibly well-educated European lady who made a drawn-out and informed decision to convert from Lutheranism (in which she was an ardent believer) to Orthodoxy, a faith that, much like Lutheranism, frowns pretty severely on cheating on your husband with a married man. Alexandra's family was everything to her, and that's why she turned to the grimy-looking Rasputin to heal her son. She thought he was a holy man, and explicitly IGNORED the reports of his sexual deviancy. This very proper woman's memoirs and those of her attendants were combed through after the Revolution to find proof of her infidelity, and none was found.
There is no evidence for Napoleon having a tiny penis, and thus I must insist upon believing that he had a monstrous penis, which was the only causative factor in his successful conquests. The failure in the attack on Russia was because of shrinkage due to cold Russian winter.
ReplyNapoleon was adverage size for a man of the time.
ReplyI read that in another Cracked article. lol.
A really good friend of mine is Macedonian and, if I were to judge the entire country off of him (I think he does embody it somewhat) they really wouldn't let a woman rule them.
ReplyThat's only because Macedonians are fags, "RunawaySausage".
"Many have thus referred to her as the first female president of the United States, Franklin Pierce notwithstanding."
ReplyThat would be James Buchanan, not Franklin Pierce.
"Although a spoiled brat who was fond of face-punching people who bowed before him, Alexei was Nicholas's only heir and thus deemed worth salvaging"
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThis is, by all historical accounts, untrue. Alexei was kind child with a sweet disposition.
Also, on a purely self-serving note, as a hemophiliac, it wouldn't have been in his best interests to develop a habit of punching *anything*.
Yeah, this. Thank you. Alexei was a sweetheart. A bit fond of practical jokes, but a nice boy all around.
I differ , Alexei may had been a sweet boy, but he also was an spoiled brat like most heirs...
Aleksey was caught ON VIDEO smacking another child. I've seen it myself. But don't all children do this? I'm true Aleksey was properly scolded for it, as well, as he was several times when he had been rude.
The Animanga Girl - source? When he was informed of his father's abdication, he never even asked if he would be Tsar, but only wanted to know when his family would be together again.
clockworkgirl21 - Really, because videos were so prevalent prior to 1918 (when he died)? Please provide proof.
I love how so many close acquaintances of the Romanovs have come out of the woodwork to attest to their character. Please, you weren't there. You honestly have no idea what any of them were like! You've just read an account of someone's opinion of them and are parroting it!
Napoleon wasn't actually short. He was about 5'7", which would be considered pretty average today, and a bit above average in his day (if you didn't know, people were, on average, shorter back then). Not really that important to the article, but I's just fillin' in some knowledge gaps, yo.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe confusion about his height comes from the different measuring standards of the British and French at the time. According to the British system he was 5'7", but according to the French standards he was only 5'2". As he was Emperor of the French, the shorter height was his "official" height. Even though these different standards indicated the same height, the perception that Napoleon was actually short was used by the British as propaganda and never went away.
My understanding was that the shortness thing came from British propaganda and political cartoons. I wasn't aware of the different measurement standards.
Interestingly, people during Napoleans time were about 2.5 inches shorter, but that's not because people have gradually gotten taller. Apparently, during the middle ages people were about the same height as today, and got about 2.5 inches shorter by the 1700's due to prevalence of disease and some poor nutrition, and probably other factors. We regained the 2.5 inches by the 1900's.