4 Films With 'Happy' Endings (Until You Think About Them)
A "Hollywood ending" is that unrealistic moment when the story wraps up perfectly, the protagonists all go on to live happily ever after, and the villain enjoys his new career as a suspicious stain on the pavement. Things never go that well in reality -- and as it turns out, they might not even pull it off in the movies. Let's take a look at a few more films which seem to end happily, but only because the cameras cut away right before the whole cast was devoured by the Old Ones.
The Gaping Hole In The Ocean In Independence Day: Resurgence Will Kill Everything
In Independence Day: Resurgence, the aliens we thought Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and Steve Jobs defeated in '96 come back to visit us again and rehash a lot of the same scenes. Hey, the whole premise is that the aliens have run out of resources and want ours.
Creativity is a resource.
This time, the aliens are trying to steal Earth's molten core to power their society. Once their mining beam penetrates deep enough, we'll all find out what it's like to be a candy shell without the chocolate. Luckily, at the last possible minute, we Randy Quaid them right up the asshole again, and the Earth is saved. Nobody ever expects to be Randy Quaided right up the asshole. It's the perfect strategy.
The Horrible Aftermath:
Unfortunately, there's still a giant hole in the Atlantic Ocean, leading right down to the Earth's nougat center.
"Ugh, gross. We thought it was going to be peanut butter."
The hole is almost 1,800 miles deep and has a diameter of one mile. If our (read: Google's) calculations are correct, a radius of 0.5 miles and a length of 1,800 miles translates to 1,413 cubic miles -- or 0.0004 percent of the world's total amount of water, all rushing down at the same time ... into molten rock. Best-case scenario, this leads to a massive, inescapable whirlpool and a string of mega-tsunamis. Worst-case scenario, we get heat plus water, which equals steam. A superheated wave of it bringing dangerous materials up from the very bowels of our planet and spewing them into the atmosphere. (The fact that they have to clean that stuff up is one reason geothermal energy is usually so expensive).
Independence Day 3 will be just this GIF for two hours.
Most Everybody Who Used The Memory Wipe Technology In Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind Will Go Insane
The central premise of Eternal Sunshine is that the Lacuna company can erase any painful memories you might have, be it a traumatic experience, a toxic relationship, or that time you called your teacher "Mom." The two central characters both use the company to forget each other after a bad breakup, but love will not be denied. Love is a Terminator, and it absolutely will not stop until you're snuggling. However, by the end of the movie, another character -- one of the company's employees, played by Kirsten Dunst -- throws a fit when she discovers that she had her memories erased as well after an affair with her boss, the sexually irresistible Tom Wilkinson.
Yeah, this looks like a plausible match-up.
Realizing this practice isn't ethical (hacking people's brains, not having sex with Tom Wilkinson), Dunst sends the company's memory archives to their hundreds of clients, who all used the service to forget something. The protagonists (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) get their memories back, and are understandably distraught when they find out they once had a whole failed relationship together, despite thinking they just met. Ultimately, they decide to give each other another shot anyway, because seriously, you do not fuck with love.
The Horrible Aftermath:
We saw how three people reacted to the realization that they'd been mind-wiped. Two reluctantly gave love another chance, while one doomed an entire company as well as her career. That's a "flip the hell out" rate of 33 percent. At best.
Carrey and Winslet's characters had their differences, sure, but they still erased a relatively healthy romance. He never beat her, she never tried to cut off his dong with scissors, he never attacked her with his own severed dong. Pretty standard stuff. What about those who deleted abusive relationships?
"The Game Of Thrones spoilers she said are coming back! No! NOOOOO!"
What about those who didn't delete relationships at all, but horrible traumatic experiences where there was no romantic upside? In this deleted scene, Lacuna's boss says that they can erase "painful memories that allow you a new and lasting peace of mind," which implies they handled all sorts of traumatic events. Some Lacuna patients were likely using the service so they could live like normal human beings again, and then Kirsten Dunst FedEx'd them a big ol' package of PTSD.
The Protagonist of Nebraska Is About To Be Sued Into The Dirt For Money He Doesn't Have
In Nebraska, Bruce Dern plays Woody Grant, a man who thinks he's won a million dollars, and does what any reasonable person would do in that situation: Go back to his hometown to rub everybody's faces in it. Woody's old business partner, Ed Pegram (Stacy Keach), uses this opportunity to demand some money he's been owed for years, but Woody declines to pay him.
Is this the dark future of Two And A Half Men?
When Woody goes to collect his prize, he learns he didn't actually win anything -- it was all a scam. Woody's son (Will Forte) feels bad for him, and trades in his car to buy him the two things he wanted the most: an air compressor and a new truck. The movie ends with Woody driving through his old hometown in his fancy new truck, pretending he did win the million dollars after all to save face. He even makes sure to pass by Ed. Eat it, you old bastard! How dare you remember debts!
The Horrible Aftermath:
Right, but he still owes Ed that money. Ed is not taking it lightly. He even threatens Woody with legal action. The only thing stopping him before was the knowledge that Woody was a broke-ass sucka, and it's rarely worth it to sue for Ramen packets. Now Ed thinks the guy is loaded, so why wouldn't he sue him? At the very least for that nice, brand-new truck ...
There it is. There's the "Oh fuck, my truck" face.
The City of Philadelphia Is About To Stomp On The Solitano Family From Silver Linings Playbook
Silver Linings Playbook ends with Robert De Niro's character, Pat Sr., betting all he's worth on an Eagles game and on his son (Bradley Cooper) doing well in a dance competition with his new kinda-girlfriend, Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence). Despite his gambling history being more dismal than your browser history, Pat Sr. is convinced that this time it'll work out, because Philadelphia teams play better whenever his son and Tiffany are together. Solid. Logic.
Bets on when Robert De Niro's next good movie comes out are far riskier.
But with a little Hollywood magic, both the Eagles and the lovers win the day. Pat literally bet on love and won! LOVE CANNOT BE STOPPED.
The Horrible Aftermath:
According to the Mayo Clinic, compulsive gambling is an "uncontrollable urge to keep gambling despite the toll it takes on your life." That perfectly describes Pat Sr., who managed to lose his entire life savings to stupid bets over the course of the film. He's almost certain to continue his high-stakes habit, especially now that he's convinced that his son's new girlfriend is a good luck charm.
Too bad, then, that the Solitano family lives in one of the most unlucky cities in America for sports enthusiasts.
His city's most successful and iconic athlete doesn't actually exist.
It's only a matter of time before the Eagles lose yet another big football game, sending the Solitano family back into financial and psychological ruin. Only it's worse now, because Pat Sr. and half his family will likely blame Tiffany for this inevitable defeat. See, this is why competitive gamblers should seek professional help instead of trusting in "love."
Oh god, Love! We didn't mean it! Please! Not the genit--
Last Halloween, the Cracked Podcast creeped you out with tales of ghost ships, mysteriously dead people, and a man from one of the most famous paintings in U.S. history who years later went all Jack Nicholson in The Shining on his family. This October, Jack and the Cracked staff are back with special guest comedians Ryan Singer, Eric Lampaert, and Anna Seregina to share more unsettling and unexplained true tales of death, disappearance, and the great beyond. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!
For more Hollywood endings that are really just big fake outs, check out 5 Horrifying Aftermaths Implied By Movies With Happy Endings and 6 Off-Screen Tragedies That Follow Happy Movie Endings.
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