5 Secret (Bizarre) Projects Of Famous Artists

6

George R.R. Martin Wrote For Beauty And The Beast

No, we're not talking about the Disney version (though you're forgiven for thinking so, considering that that movie did sort of imply a horrific, Martin-esque rape that one time). Rather, the author of A Song Of Ice And Fire wrote for the 1987 CBS series of the same name starring Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman.

Seen here in makeup ... we think.

The show was a 1980s retelling of the tale, with Beast being a lion-something mutant or whatever living in the sewers of New York and solving crimes with John Connor's mom. Martin got a job on the show shortly after the reboot of The Twilight Zone (for which he was a staff writer) was cancelled.

Once he landed the CBS gig, Martin proceeded to immediately train for his future career by insisting the network spice up B&tB with as much sex and violence as possible. Due to what we can only call a profound lack of foresight, the network wouldn't let him.

"Damn." -- furries

As Martin himself explained it: "There were battles over censorship, how sexual things could be, whether a scene was too 'politically charged,' how violent things could be. Don't want to disturb anyone." Despite that, Martin still managed to write some surprisingly good episodes for a show with such a laughably stupid premise. But in the end, all the limitations wore him down, and he left the show.

Shortly after that, he expelled all of the pent-up sex, violence, sexual violence, and violent sex inside his head onto several reams of paper which would eventually turn into A Song Of Ice And Fire. (He started working on it in 1991 -- it would take until 1996 for the first book to get published.)

Only to have the show's writers immediately ask, "Wouldn't all of these scenes be improved with three or four more pairs of titties?"

And hey, if you're upset that you don't have your dream job in your 30s, keep in mind that Martin was 48 when his magnum opus first hit the shelves. It's never too late to achieve your dreams! It's even more amazing to consider that, based on the current publication schedule, Martin will be 94 when the final book comes out.

5

James Gunn Wrote Both Guardians Of The Galaxy AND Scooby-Doo

The 2002 live-action Scooby-Doo movie makes absolutely no sense because, well, who was its intended audience? Anyone young enough to enjoy watching a live-action Matthew Lillard interacting with a (frankly terrifying) CGI dog would have been born 20 years too late to be familiar with the franchise.

In real life, he's holding a green bag of ping pong balls.

Looking back, it seems like an early preview of Hollywood's deeply misguided "reboot everything" obsession ("Modern kids love playing Battleship, right? Here's 200 million dollars!"). So it's not too surprising that the movie was written by the screenwriter of Tromeo And Juliet, in which Juliet is transformed into a monster with a three-foot-long penis. No, really.

4

The Owls Of Ga'Hoole Was Directed By Zack Snyder

Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga'Hoole is an animated family movie about a young talking owl caught in the war between two warring factions of other talking owls. Kind of a kid's version of Lord Of The Rings with a primarily avian cast.

Frowldo Baggins.

It's not the worst idea for a kids movie we've ever heard, but it did have the weirdest choice for director: Zack "Movies Are Just A Series Of Slow-Motion Murders" Snyder. And this isn't something Snyder did in his youth before he found his voice. It was less than a year after he made Watchmen -- a movie in which, among other things, Jeffrey Dean Morgan murders a pregnant woman. Actually, nothing about Snyder directing a computer-generated cartoon makes sense when you compare it to any movie in his filmography ...

Dawn of the Dead

300

Sucker Punch

These are all absurdly gritty, bloody festivals of slow-mo violence which often double as masturbation fodder for the criminally insane. Even Man Of Steel and Batman V. Superman were colorless, brooding experiments in whether or not the sight of two men fighting in capes could send an audience into a state of depression. The only thing that would explain The Owls Of Ga'Hoole sharing a director with those movies is Snyder originally wanting this to be a live-action movie with real owls -- which, by the way, are in fact terrifying monsters.

3

Gnomeo & Juliet Was Elton John's Passion Project

2

Famous Geeks Have Secretly Been Writing Huge Blockbusters For Years

X-Men and X2 were arguably the first movies to set off the modern superhero craze. Then, with X-Men: The Last Stand, something went horribly wrong, and instead of a powerful, moving finale to the series, we got Vinnie Jones quoting a racist meme. What happened? Well, for one thing, the third movie wasn't written by Solid Snake.

In Hideo Kojima's famous Metal Gear games, David Hayter voices the main character Solid Snake, as well as his father (named Naked Snake, because Kojima does not give a fuck). With a bizarre resume like that, Hayter was a natural fit to write a movie about a mutant Canadian in desperate need of a manicure. So that's what he did, ultimately penning Wolverine's first cinematic appearance and its sequel. Hayter would then write Zack Snyder's Watchmen, so if you're one of those people who complained about the movie's lack of a giant squid, you can blame him for that.

Hayters gonna hayte.

Meanwhile, Clark Gregg (Agent Coulson from The Avengers and Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.) wrote the 2000 movie What Lies Beneath, about Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford being haunted by Ford's dead mistress.

1

Toy Story (And Pixar) Looked Doomed ... Until Joss Whedon Came Along

Fact: Toy Story is one of the greatest animated films ever. Also fact: The first draft of Toy Story was one of the worst things ever. Don't take our word for it; when Disney executives saw the initial excerpts of the film, they hated it so much that the entire movie was shut down until someone could come in and punch up the script.

Or at least make Woody less nightmare-inducing.

Enter Joss Whedon, the man who would eventually helm Buffy, Firefly, and The Avengers, who was at the time working as a script doctor -- i.e. the guy who got paid to do last-minute emergency fixes on blockbusters. Disney knew that the issue was fairly obvious, but not easy to fix: The main characters in this whimsical children's tale about talking toys were fucking assholes. Woody was a sniping, bitter jerk who was constantly trying to take down Buzz (a pompous dick) out of petty jealousy.

So Disney sent Whedon to Pixar (his hiring was not Pixar's idea), and he took over a script that was, in his words, "in shambles." Whedon pitched them on turning Toy Story into a buddy movie, making it so that both characters were relatable, fun, and above all else, flawed without being total shitheels.

"And switch around that 'You've Got A Fiend In Me' song."

It's true that Whedon was just one part of the process, but it could also be argued that he helped give the movie the heart and personality that not only launched the Pixar brand, but also created a formula they have used to generate nearly $10 billion in box office across 16 films. Oh, and several times that in merchandising -- Cars alone has sold $8 billion worth of toys and other bullshit. Think about it: That same "buddy comedy" dynamic turns up between Marlin and Dory from Finding Nemo, Mike and Sully from Monsters, Inc, Lightning and Mater from Cars, and Carl and Russell from Up.

So yeah, sometimes studio meddling works. If they hire the right guy.

Tara Marie writes a lot.

For more strange projects from unexpected sources, check out 6 Famous Movies Made By The Last Person You'd Expect and 6 Hit Songs Written By the Last Person You'd Expect.

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