4 Ghastly Horrors That Somehow Made It Into Kids' Movies
Most people use children's movies as a sort of animated ball gag -- it's worth it to hear "Let It Go" for the billionth time if it'll shut the little buggers up for a few minutes. But, sometimes, you need to double-check those so-called kids' films, lest you plop the spawn down for happy-time viewing and wind up inadvertently A Clockwork Orange-ing the little brats. Like those who went before us, we've scoured the seedy underbelly of kids' flicks to bring you the most unexpectedly traumatizing moments. Such as ...
The Dam Keeper -- The Animal Apocalypse, According To Pixar Alumni
The Dam Keeper is what happens when two ex-Pixar art directors team up to create the most adorable-looking 18 minutes humanly possible. The end result is like a children's storybook brought to life via massive amounts of LSD -- no wonder it's been selected as kids' favorite short at multiple film festivals.
"Yeah man, gimme an eight-ball."
The heartwarming trailer seems to tell you the whole story: It follows a little pig who constantly gets picked on at school, until he meets a friendly fox and the two bond over their mutual love of drawing. Awww, so it's an anti-bullying story! See, kids? You can also overcome your problems with the power of friendship! It gets better!
Befriend wild animals! Particularly carnivores!
The trailer omits an important detail: The windmill, where the little pig lives, doesn't just pump water or something -- it's there to blow back a cloud of apocalyptic death. All those kids who are picking on the protagonist at school have no idea that he's the only reason they're still breathing. And when the pig sees his fox friend apparently making fun of him too, his mind snaps, he runs away, and he starts hallucinating everyone as psychedelic monsters:
Well, the Scarecrow's stash had to go somewhere.
Hurt and betrayed by everyone, the pig puts on his gas mask, sits back, and allows the evil murder-smoke to roll into town and suffocate everything and everyone in its path.
Incidentally, this is why we do not allow the mentally ill to be in charge of our nuclear weapons.
He doesn't even flinch at the hundreds of innocent people choking and screaming for their lives. This cute little pig is to become Death, destroyer of worlds. Now, we are all sons of bitches.
"No fate but what you made, bitches!"
Eventually, the pig realizes the thing with the fox was all a wacky misunderstanding and rolls back the smoke, but, up to that point, he was perfectly willing to let everything die. The surviving townspeople and your children watching at home presumably learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of bullying: If you bully somebody, they'll come back and kill everybody in sight. That's ... actually tragically accurate these days. Good job, Pixar?
Unico -- A Cutesy Unicorn Gorily Impales A Date-Rape Demon
The Fantastic Adventures Of Unico stars a baby unicorn who makes people happy just by existing. It's so cute there's even a legitimate cameo from Hello Kitty, and she looks like a gaping asshole compared to the wide-eyed cuddliness already on display.
Anime characters are only cute if they're 95 percent or 5 percent eyeballs. No middle ground.
In his first movie, Unico befriends a cat and turns her into a human, because we had only barely invented furries by the '80s -- we were unaware! In her new girl form, the innocent little kitty attracts the attention of a major creep called Baron De Ghost, who invites her to his castle. Unico follows his friend and watches as she gets shitfaced on spiked wine until she passes out, at which point the Baron lays her down on his bed. In a handful of minutes, this went from "friendly unicorn plays with a yarn ball" to "PSA on date rape."
Unico goes in to rescue his friend, but the Baron will not be pussy-blocked -- he recaptures the cat-girl and ties her up on the roof. Unico, the whimsical little unicorn, then spears the Baron through the shoulder and causes him to fall from the top of the castle, like Gaston in Beauty And The Beast. Unlike Gaston, however, we actually see what happens next:
"Kind of sucks when someone jams something you don't want all up inside you, doesn't it? Dick."
... and that's when shit gets metal. The Baron's death only enrages him, and he transforms into a giant, Fantasia-worthy demon lord with apocalyptic powers and a battle-axe the size of the Burj Khalifa.
"Exactly how many things are you compensating for?"
Unico banishes this evil as only a plucky little cartoon avatar of innocence can: No, not by loving him, you dipshit. By tearing the fucker in half and burying him in a fissure of lava. You fuck with the unicorn, you get the horn.
Spielberg's We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story -- An Old Man Gets Eaten Alive By Crows
Back in 1993, Steven Spielberg wowed the world with a cinematic masterpiece about dinosaurs. No, not Jurassic Park -- this was We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story.
Someone's about to get T-bagged.
In what passes for the plot, four dinosaurs eat cereal that gives them intelligence and proceed to travel to the present day because a bunch of kids wished for it through a magic radio. You can probably guess how the rest of the film goes from there, right down to the obligatory musical number:
"Sir, are you sure that a parade is the best course of action?"
"It's right here in the City Emergency Plan. 'In the
event of sentient dinosaurs, throw a ticker tape parade.'"
There's one part of the movie you probably didn't see coming, and it involves the villain, Professor Screweyes. Guess how he got that name.
Maybe his parents were part goat.
According to a deleted scene, Screweyes' secret origin is that a crow pecked his eye out when he was a kid, so now he keeps crows around him at all times, because he ... is really bad at cause and effect? Anyway, at one point, Screweyes captures the dinosaurs and regresses them back to a savage state. Screweyes' kindly brother comes in and, no shit, turns the dinosaurs good again with the power of children's hugs. Cue happy ending: The kids rejoice, the dinos go home, and Screweyes is fucking devoured by crows.
Don't fuck with crows, man.
Now we should clarify -- that's not part of the deleted scene. They only deleted Screweyes' origin story, because it was "too disturbing. We submit that it's way more disturbing to leave kids with the message that crows could eat them at any time, for no reason whatsoever.
Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin -- A Star Wars Rip-Off With Android Anal Rape
The trailer for Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin promises a "journey to the edge of imagination and beyond." It features the story of a peasant boy who discovers a sword made of light, is told that his destiny is to overthrow an evil space overlord, and bands together with a rogue smuggler to escape the planet and a band of slavers. Turns out "the edge of imagination" stops right outside the office of George Lucas' lawyer.
"No, it's not a rip-off. Didn't you see the horses?"
But, hey, copyright infringement or not, it's just harmless '80s sci-fi that kids will love and adults will barely tolerate, right? And at least there are no Ewoks.
During the course of their wildly original adventure, Imitation Luke Skywalker and Bargain-Bin Han Solo wind up carrying off a Female C-3PO, but she proves too feisty for them to handle. A woman who opposes being held against her will? This audacity must be corrected! So, they decide to rewire her personality circuits ... and watch the expression that forms on Han Duo's face when he finds out where those circuits are located:
If GIFs could make a sound, it would be this.
Yes, changing this robot lady's personality requires literally busting into her ass. We've seen homemade pornos with subtler plots. Sensing the man's depraved intentions, the fembot immediately cries out for help, but he just slaps some tape over her mouth. Our hero then goes to town on that shiny metal ass, ignoring the synthetic woman's struggles and muffled cries.
It's amazing this moves so smoothly when the animators were using only one hand.
When Hand Solo is done with his pervy handywork, the fembot suddenly becomes a fawning slave to his desires. Remember that, kids: If a woman is resisting your advances, just tie her down and violate her as-
OK, so we're being told by the Child Welfare Bureau that we're not actually allowed to finish that sentence. The last word was "ascot," by the way. We were uh ... advocating that you steal her fancy scarf.
Alex writes a variety of horrifyingly compelling stories, one of which you can read here. He would like to give special thanks to Erratica for introducing him to the wonderfully messed-up world of Unico In The Island Of Magic and for all the traumatic flashbacks it has given him.
For more evidence that the people who create our kids' shows are out to destroy America, check out 7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies and 4 Children's Books That Will Unintentionally Scar Your Kids.
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