4 Children's Books That Will Unintentionally Scar Your Kids

When my son reads a book, my hope is that it will teach him good morals and useful knowledge so I don't have to. If 25 colorful pages of wacky talking animals help keep him on the straight and narrow, then that leaves me more time for what the Good Lord gave me breath to do: crafting bawdy one-liners that reduce everything our species has accomplished down to one loud, unending fart.

Not every tome in the most diaper-ific part of the library meets my sky-high standards, though. Some teach shitty lessons, while some teach nothing at all. But the worst books are those that successfully spin the Wheel of Morality but then deliver their messages in the stupidest, most counterproductive manner possible. Actual parenting will be required to undo the damage caused when kids learn ...

#4. The Solution to Being Bullied Is Revenge, Rather Than Seeking Adult Help

Nancy Carlson

Bullying sucks. We can all agree on that, right? Unless you're a cowardly little chickenshit who doesn't wanna. Gonna cry, ya bully lover, huh? Gonna cry into your stolen lunch? Soup taste better seasoned with tears? Cowardly fuck.

Speaking of lunch, that's what Big Mike, the bully of Loudmouth George and the Sixth-Grade Bully, swipes on the daily from Loudmouth George, an everyhare who probably got that dumb nickname from another book in the series, but damned if I care enough to find out which one. At first, Mike wants money, but after some negotiation, he settles on starving George instead.

Nancy Carlson
"But keep the Lunchables. Because fuck those things."

After several muggings, the poor bunny turns into a total wreck. His grades slip, his weight drops, and every tiny little sound frightens him.

Nancy Carlson
Oh, quit whining; you still passed.

Obviously, since this is a children's book, George wins, the bully doesn't, and bullying looks as bad as it deserves to be. The problem is HOW this happens. George doesn't tell his parents. He doesn't tell his teacher. When his friend Harriet suggests they tell the principal, he refuses, citing the lamest of excuses:

Nancy Carlson

So ... school officials can communicate only if they literally work together? That's some system you got there. Keep it up, and those hairless apes hooting in the distance will conquer and enslave you all within a year.

In lieu of working with authority, George and Harriet run with Plan B: give the bully a crappy lunch. Because revenge is a dish best served disgusting. First they mix tuna and tons of garlic:

Nancy Carlson

Then they prepare some delicious vinegar soup:

Nancy Carlson

And for dessert -- lard Oreos:

Nancy Carlson
Sadly, there are worse ways to fill an Oreo.

This is seriously how a children's book -- published in 2003, no less -- suggests children deal with those doing them harm. The story cuts away with Big Mike stealing the terrible lunch and George smirking like ain't he a stinker:

Nancy Carlson
Spoiler: You ain't.

The book doesn't show what comes next, and for good reason -- Mike eats the food and probably gets violently pissed off. Up until now, George hasn't been physically assaulted -- all Mike does is rob and threaten him. But after this stunt, he's going to lose his teeth quicker than if Gallagher were his dentist. Even his bodyguard can't hang around forever, after all.

Nancy Carlson
"Bullying's un-American! Except when it's not."

That's Harriet's weightlifting cousin, Lance, following George to school every day in case Mike attacks. A grown-ass man ready to lay the smackdown on a pre-teen -- because bullying is bad.

#3. Don't Whine or a Horrible Monster Will Eat You

Bruce Eric Kaplan

Invoking the threat of unholy monsters to scare your children into obeying is a classic(ally terrible) Easter egg of parenting. So, naturally, there's a children's book out there that not only condones it but makes it clear to any tot reading that the threat is very, very real.

Monsters Eat Whiny Children tells the tale of Henry and Eve, two little shits who loudly bitch about everything from the food they eat to the phone they somehow haven't had shoved up their pee parts. Their annoyed father warns them to behave or monsters will eat them.

Bruce Eric Kaplan
Which, judging by those eyes and mouths, would be cannibalism.

The kids outright ignore dad and continue to whine day and night. Their punishment: a hungry fucking monster.

Bruce Eric Kaplan

That's not dad in a cheap costume looking to scare his screaming snots straight (we know this because there's no follow-up called Whiny Children Snitch to DSS). No, that's an actual monster. Henry and Eve are truly kidnapped, stuffed into a bag, and prepared for consumption. Hey, kiddo reading this: be nice, or DIE.

Also, holy shit does this book come close to actually killing the kids. The monsters toss them into a salad:

Bruce Eric Kaplan

Make them the meat in the world's biggest burger:

Bruce Eric Kaplan

And even mix them into a fucking cake:

Bruce Eric Kaplan
Frosting before baking? Shit, and I was starting to like you monsters, too.

Each time, Henry and Eve come within inches of being devoured, and it would be their fault because they whined too much. They survive only because the monsters are whiny too, constantly bickering over how best to eat children. One girl monster rejects the cake because it would make her butt look big.

Bruce Eric Kaplan
Bonus moral: women be dieting.

All this whining results in exactly one thing: no whiny child food. See, kids? Whining is bad no matter what side of the murder table you're on. Henry and Eve finally quit whining over their predicament long enough to sneak out a window:

Bruce Eric Kaplan
Via toys formerly owned by whiny children who are now poop.

And back home, where they vow to never, ever whine again. Everyone lives quietly ever after, with the tots learning life is better and happier when you're not complaining about everything. I'm sure your children will agree, once they finally stop waking up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat because they had that dream again about the flesh-eating goblin who will violently end them the second they utter even the slightest harrumph.

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Jason Iannone

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