Cracked Writers
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Sometimes all you want is a big, creamy bowl of badassery. And last week you slurped up a one-man homeland-defending killing machine, a fierce kung fu lady-army out for vengeance, and an assortment of people who looked at a fellow human in distress and basically said, "Screw this. You're not offing yourself on my goddamn watch."
The Soviet Army learned the hard way: Simo Hayha wasn't nothin to f@ck with.
"Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland...But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country. He figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians."
They don't have to be pink socks, necessarily, but you've got the option.
We didn't know there was anything real in any of the Star Wars prequels.
Leukemia-stricken, 6 year-old Enzo wanted to spend an afternoon with Ina Garten, The Barefoot Contessa. She wouldn't do it - for three years - until her feet were put to the fire. And when she finally called, Enzo had the perfect response.
"Enzo's wish simply involved meeting with the chef and cooking one of the Contessa's many French dishes with her. No big deal, right? She told the kid no."
We should all try to be a little more like Don Ritchie and Yukio Shige if we can. We're pretty sure they've saved so many lives they now qualify as doctors or saints.
"Even the Cracked forums have responded numerous times to posters thinking of ending it all, with the most cynical, goatse-posting, snarky assholes offering a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, or sharing their own experiences from rock bottom."
Hell hath no fury like women underestimated.
"[T]he Han Chinese considered women to be pretty useless. So they didn't realize that Trac and Nhi had been schooled in badass martial arts since they were little girls and thus weren't prepared to take any of Confucius' s**t."
Turns out you can have awesome cars and pants-crapping explosions AND give a hoot about the characters. Whoda thunk it?
"She wants to rescue some sex slaves from the bastard child of Sweet Tooth the Clown and Darth Vader, and she's willing to take on a post-apocalyptic war party to do it. And despite what some random assholes on the Internet think, this isn't a problem with the story. It's the best part."
Bueller? Bueller? Ok, I'm doing it too now, and I'm crazy.
"Somewhere, there's probably a rejected script for a sequel where 'Bueller' convinces Cameron to climb up a clock tower with a rifle."
Can this dude do something about the '03 Chicago Cubs next?
"Barton also claims that the Founding Fathers settled the creationism debate long ago, despite the crippling handicap of not being scientists and having all died before Darwin published his theory of evolution."
And it's even more delicious heated up a bit!
You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.
The stories we tell about movies are as important as the movies themselves.
Criminal behavior can be influenced by some very weird, seemingly random factors.
Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.
The news spent weeks reporting on these giant scandals without bothering to mention the stupidest parts.
Even Hollywood couldn't deny these films were total thievery.
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