5

The Jedi Have No Official Policies, Regulation, Or Accountability

Lucasfilm

If you sat down and watched all six Star Wars movies, you might have some vague notion of a Jedi Code. It seems like they should have one, right? They certainly wouldn't train people and Muppets to control minds and crush throats without giving them strict guidelines on when it's OK to do those things, would they?

Lucasfilm
"One quick thing: This sword cuts through fucking anything. All right, that's the end
of the safety briefing. Get out there and have fun!"

4

The Jedi Don't Care About The Republic Or Democracy In General

Lucasfilm

If you sat through the prequels, congratulations! Suffering builds character! Well, during those character-building hours, you may have noticed the Jedi were fighting for the Republic. So they're on the side of space democracy, right?

Not exactly. The first image we see in the Star Wars timeline is them going to negotiate the trade route. Why are these unelected, erratic sorcerer cops who are barely even accountable to their own Jedi Council in charge of this? Why wasn't a representative of the Senate with them? Sending two armed men with no economic or diplomatic training to a trade negotiation seems like something a gang would do, not a democracy.

So they aren't big fans of democratic procedures, but what do the Jedi think about the Senate itself? Let's look at a quote from the end of the prequels, when Mace Windu and Yoda discuss the growing threat of Palpatine.

Lucasfilm
"I was there too! I'm Ki-Adi-Mundi, which is Cerean for 'Hands-Free,
Suction-Mounted, Ribbed Dildo With Faux Pubic Locks'!"

Ki-Adi-Mundi told them, "If [Palpatine] does not give up his emergency powers after the destruction of Grievous, then he should be removed from office." That seems reasonable. And then Mace Windu goes, "The Jedi Council would have to take control of the Senate in order to ensure a peaceful transition."

Yeah, these champions of galactic democracy decided to stage a military coup to ensure a "peaceful" transition. And it wasn't their last, desperate choice. Taking over the government with lightsabers was their very first idea. So maybe it wasn't a heat-of-the moment mistake when Obi-Wan took Ponda Baba's arm off in Mos Eisley. Because it seems like cutting off arms and telling everyone in the room to screw themselves is a Jedi's go-to move under any circumstance.

Lucasfilm
"Now that your arm is on the floor, you still think Linkin Park sucks? Jedi for life, son!"

3

Jedi Have No Non-Lethal Options

Lucasfilm

It's clear Jedi are quick to murder. But even if they wanted to peacefully deal with someone, Jedi don't carry handcuffs. Or tasers. Or pepper spray. We know stun guns exist in this galaxy, so why not carry one? If a 6-year-old can build a C-3P0, someone should be able to rig up some kind of net gun or sleep Frisbee. Maybe a lightsaber that simply hurts rather than eviscerates?

Lucasfilm
"I wish I didn't have to cut you in half, but it's the only setting on this thing!"

The closest thing we see to a non-lethal move from a Jedi is about 20 minutes into The Phantom Menace when Qui-Gon Jinn puts his hand on Jar Jar Binks' shoulder and makes him pass out. Let's ignore the damage this does to the compartmentalization of nerd brains by introducing the Vulcan nerve pinch to the Star Wars universe. What it means is that Jedi have the means to poke a guy to sleep even when they have goofy-ass never-before-seen alien physiology. They simply never use it as a method of conflict resolution; it's only something they use to shut up their annoying friends.

2

Jedi Are Trained To Feel No Remorse Or Pity

Lucasfilm

Throughout the movies, we are constantly hit with how the Dark Side is about anger, hate, fear, insecurity, dry mouth, diarrhea, VCR repair -- it's bad, and obviously so. So when we see any of the Sith fight, it's either cruel like Dooku, lustful like Maul, or sadistically cheerful like the Emperor. The Jedi, however, fight with nobility. They never seem to be having much fun during their sword fights. Yoda's fighting style is 80 percent front flips, and he still manages to look bored.

Lucasfilm
"Ugh. Another goddamn laser-sword fight, this is. This freaking job, I hate."

But, then again, how often do you see the Jedi show regret for those they fricassee? We never saw Luke wonder about the widows of the Death Star. We know those robots mowed down in the prequels were sentient. They joked, laughed, made sarcastic quips ... they even feared death. Did any Jedi so much as blink as they cut them down? Or any enemy for that matter?

Lucasfilm
"That heartless Jedi took everything from me. Everything."

1

The Jedi Abduct Children

Lucasfilm

The Star Wars universe doesn't have very many children in it. In fact, the first one we meet grows up to cut all the other ones we meet into pieces. The only thing we really know about Star Wars kids is that, if you're born with Force powers, the Republic takes you away from your family. In The Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon Jinn tells Anakin's mother that if he had been born in the Republic, they would have taken him early for Jedi training. How early isn't made clear, but in Attack Of The Clones we see a room full of blindfolded toddlers practicing with lightsabers.

Lucasfilm
"Teacher? I keep hearing screams and then nothing else. Can I take
my blindfold off? Teacher? T-Teacher!?"

So these children are taken from their homes, or in Anakin's case purchased, and given deadly weapons before they know how to read. It seems ... irresponsible. And to support that point, we're going to pick on Qui-Gon Jinn again. This man threw a boy in a dangerous pod race in some kind of ridiculous spaceship repair scheme even George Lucas didn't seem to understand. After he miraculously survives that, Qui-Gon drops him in a war zone with only the advice, "Watch me and be mindful."

That's not a helpful tip for a 9-year-old going into his first gun fight. That's something you say when you're teaching him how to eat an artichoke or convince his mother you need a bigger TV. And if you've seen the movie, you know Anakin's "mindful" move is to hide in the cockpit of a working starfighter and immediately bumble into the war. Which seems like a great time to remind you: If you ate a pound of shredded newspaper, your shit would write a better movie than The Phantom Menace.

Lucasfilm
"That's fair." -Everyone involved in making The Phantom Menace

So that's their system, in a nutshell: They take children who are too young to have developed any empathy, moral reasoning, or critical-thinking skills, and raise them in the way of the Jedi. This involves disconnecting from the rest of society, developing supernatural abilities, and declaring themselves to be above any and all laws. We're wondering if, every once in a while, a Jedi wakes up in the middle of the night and says, "Wait, am I in a cult?"

Chris tweets as a fictional modern-day wizard, @JackAsherWizard, and has no followers. Maybe you can change that for him?

For more information to bolster your Star Wars arsenal, check out 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball and The 5 Most WTF Origins of Iconic 'Star Wars' Scenes.

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