5 Moral Crusaders Caught Being the Worst Hypocrite Possible
As we've talked about a few times before, it's really difficult to lead by example, even when you're a self-righteous crusader universally recognized as the figurehead of your particular cause. When it's 3 a.m. and you're ready to eat a sandwich made of light bulbs for an ounce of heroin, you'll find yourself turning your D.A.R.E. T-shirt inside-out pretty quick. But it is shocking how many outspoken people end up being exposed as hypocrites. It's to the point that we're wondering how many of the world's crusaders aren't just trying to compensate for something they're doing on the side ...
Anti-Porn Politician Is Caught Watching Porn in Parliament
The mononymous Arifinto (boldly following in the footsteps of other single-named cultural juggernauts such as Madonna, Seal, and McG) was a member of the Indonesian parliament. As a representative of the Islamic Prosperous Justice Party, Arifinto supported strict conservative policies, including a hard stance against pornography. And by that, we mean he helped push through vicious anti-porn legislation so draconian that a simple wardrobe malfunction could get you prison time.
"Gonna get you thrown in solitary by the end of this song."
As a result, the Indonesian government blocked websites like Vimeo, Reddit, and Imgur simply for allowing the possibility that someone could upload nudity, as well as sentencing a popular music star to three and a half years in prison for being in a leaked sex tape. Not a publicly released and officially endorsed porno, mind you -- a sex tape that he made in private that was stolen from him and uploaded to the Internet against his will. By that standard, every single celebrity involved in last summer's iCloud photo hack (dubbed "The Fappening" by the gallant poets of the Internet) would've been tossed in prison for the crime of having been naked at one time in their lives.
Exhibit A for the prosecution.
Because the karma of the universe is a righteous pendulum, Arifinto was sitting in Parliament one day and, presumably bored with the proceedings, whipped out his tablet and began downloading a pornographic movie. In full view of his fellow representatives, by the way.
At least he brought something to help clean up afterward.
Arifinto's excuse was pretty much the same one that a kid gives to his parents after being caught with a porno on his screen -- he tried to open a perfectly legitimate-looking email when suddenly this porn downloaded itself and started playing on his screen (this is not a thing that actually happens). Evidently, he was so frozen in horror and disgust that he was unable to switch it off or look away, forced to sit trapped in its bonerizing glow like a deer in headlights. (Get it? Headlights, like boobs?)
Despite totally by accident watching porn in the same chamber that he was in when he made watching porn illegal years earlier, Arifinto chose to quietly resign, since doing anything else could possibly have gotten him charged with breaking his own law. He's since gone back to running his printing company, and we're sure whatever they print is absolutely mega tasteful.
Anti-Drug Motivational Speaker Is Charged With Dealing Drugs and Kidnapping
Darryln Johnson was a motivational speaker and activist based in Topeka, Kansas, as an outreach coordinator for nonprofit Kansas Action for Children. Johnson was known for his impassioned speeches extolling crime-free lifestyles to little kids, warning them of the dangers of getting trapped in the spiderweb of gang violence and drug addiction. As it turns out, being a hardline advocate for a drug-free lifestyle is actually a great way to disguise a lifestyle just chock full of drugs -- in 2003, Johnson and a cohort kidnapped a woman from her apartment and forced her to withdraw money from an ATM, apparently to pay off a drug debt.
"Hey, at least I made sure it was a branch ATM so she wouldn't get a fee."
The police tracked him down and charged him with kidnapping, attempted aggravated robbery, aggravated burglary, making criminal threats, possession with intent to sell, and arranging the sale or purchase of drugs using a communication device -- all of which are felonies unbecoming of an educator of children. Unless you're teaching children how to become The Scarecrow, in which case this is an exemplary lesson plan.
Psychology majors always wind up with the weirdest jobs.
Despite this being his first drug-related charge, it turned out that Wilson was already known to police after an earlier incident in which he had attempted to sell crack cocaine to an undercover officer. You'd think that after years of teaching kids about street crime, he would've learned how to be a better drug dealer. Kansas Action for Children promptly fired Johnson for reasons they declined to elaborate on, but we suspect it had something to do with the previous two paragraphs.
And while we're on this theme ...
Judge Campaigns Against Drunk Driving for Years, Gets a DUI in Spectacular Fashion
Judge Dean Wilson of Columbus, Ohio, was an outspoken activist whose particular crusade was against drunk driving. That shit made him so goddamned angry that he would actually take drunk driving cases out of the courtroom and try them in front of kids at local high schools, just to show them what they had to look forward to should they decide to stumble behind the wheel of their mom's Mercury Sable after crushing a six-pack at Danny Benson's stepdad's beach house.
His post-verdict interpretive dance to "Jailhouse Rock" clinched the talent show every year.
Evidently, either through being scared straight or being bored into permanent sobriety by dry legal proceedings, Wilson's program was enormously successful. During the 11 years that Wilson took his drunk-shaming circus on the road, there were zero alcohol-related incidents at any of the schools he visited.
Of course, Wilson had to go ahead and ruin over a decade of good deeds in one drunken bender. In September of 2014, Wilson got himself absolutely shitfaced one night and made the astounding decision to get behind the wheel of his Mercedes, which he immediately drove right into the side of a city bus, literally the easiest possible obstacle to avoid on the road.
His "attempting to stop it from hitting 50 mph and activating the bomb" excuse didn't fly.
Rather than salvage what little remained of his integrity by exiting his vehicle and waiting for the police to arrive while giving a speech to the young people on the bus about the terrifyingly destructive consequences of drunk driving, Wilson heroically fled the scene, drunkenly swerving his two-ton pedestrian slayer another 12 miles before the cops finally caught up with him.
Once they dragged him out of his car, Wilson refused to take either a breathalyzer or a field sobriety test, because that's the best way for a crusading teetotaler to take responsibility for selfishly endangering the lives of countless people. He's still awaiting trial for DUI and hit-and-run, presumably so they can track down a high school gymnasium in which to try the case.
He faces a minimum of 10 towel snaps a day for the next 25 years.
And speaking of terrible examples for the children ...
Two School Principals Are Caught Blatantly Plagiarizing Heartfelt Speeches
You may recognize plagiarism as the shameless act of copying someone else's work and passing it off as your own -- an activity that will get you kicked out of college, blacklisted from any field of intellectual pursuit, and earn you millions of followers on the Internet. Outcomes like that set a confusing example that is apparently clouding the judgment of our nation's educators.
"Integrity and employment are whatever, but being one of BuzzFeed's
45 Hilarious Tweeters Who Can't Even ... is forever.
Jaime Moody had just settled in to her new job as principal of Lilla G. Frederick Pilot Middle School when she sent out a memo to her staff, challenging teachers to step out of their comfort zones to achieve success. However, some people became suspicious that the message seemed to be politely beyond the quality of words she normally strung together. So, a plucky member of Moody's staff Googled a chunk of her credo and discovered it was lifted from a column published by Forbes, which is embarrassing for two entirely separate reasons.
Moody issued a written apology for her misdeeds, which, unlike the public repentance of Shia LaBeouf, was actually written in her own words.
He also stole "I am not famous anymore" from Andy Warhol's tombstone.
Then there was Dr. Steven Strachan, the principal of Long Island's Roosevelt High School. When it was time to come up with the yearbook commencement message for the 2014 graduating class, Strachan wrote a touching and heartfelt soliloquy to the departing students. And by "wrote," we mean he hit Ctrl+C on the commencement message written for California's Albany High School and just pasted it in there, because coming up with a bunch of things to say on his own would've taken all afternoon.
"I had to change all those student names, though. That was pretty back-breaking."
He might have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids and their ability to read, because at the bottom of his sincerest wishes for Roosevelt High seniors' bright future, he forgot to edit out the words "Congratulations to the Albany High School Class of 2013." Again, this is embarrassing for two completely different reasons.
Strachan blamed the oversight on a "clerical error," and all the yearbooks were recalled and a second printing was made. Presumably, the corrected version made sure to congratulate the graduating class of Sweet Valley High.
Right after advising them to wear sunscreen and always be excellent to each other.
Anti-Semitic Politician Is Revealed to Be Jewish
Csanad Szegedi, the former vice president of Hungary's ultra-right-wing Jobbik Party, was a giant, anti-Semitic demon fart. He accused Jews of "buying up" the country, complained about politicians' "Jewishness," and accused Jewish people of desecrating national symbols. He even founded the Hungarian Guard, a now-banned movement whose members wore attire that bore a striking similarity to Nazi uniforms, albeit with a festive Christmas flair:
SSanta KKKlaus is goose-stepping to town.
There was only one small detail damaging the credibility of Chubby Hitler in the minds of his spectacularly racist followers -- Szegedi was secretly Jewish, like a Shyamalan remake of American History X.
The scandal came to light in 2012 when an audio tape emerged of a conversation between Szegedi and a blackmailer who claimed he had information proving Szegedi's Jewish heritage. Though he initially claimed the tape was fake, Szegedi eventually admitted that both his maternal grandparents were Jewish, making him a full Jew under Jewish law. Furthermore, his grandparents were concentration camp survivors, making him the scabbiest asshole in the universe under every law.
"I was just following our rules of never trusting anything Jewish people tell us. How could I be sure?"
Szegedi's anti-Semitic colleagues felt completely betrayed by the revelation and booted him out of the party. However, this story comes with another twist -- after his exile from neo-Nazism, Szegedi shrugged his shoulders and decided to become a devout, practicing Jew, because at that point, what the hell else was he going to do.
This is why Adam Sandler doesn't sing anymore.
He changed his name to Dovid, regularly wears a yarmulke, keeps kosher, and goes on religious pilgrimages to Israel. In what should come as no surprise to anyone, he's faced some difficulty being accepted by the Jewish community, but he insists that nobody should judge him until they've walked in his shoes, which is an offer that nobody should ever take him up on.
If enough people follow Kevin Phelan on Twitter, he might actually start using the goddamn thing. You can book his face right here.
For more ridiculous jackasses, check out 6 Judges Who Went Completely Insane on the Bench and 6 People Who Died In Order to Prove a (Ridiculous) Point
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