Around this time, the government announced a military exercise code-named Jade Helm 15 (the same one that has our pal the Texas governor so concerned) which will take place in the exact same states where Walmart closed the stores. Except for Oklahoma and Florida. Oh, and with the addition of Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Arizona, and New Mexico, where no stores have been closed. But other than that, it's the exact same states, which is confirmation that the government is planning on invading and imposing martial law over the region. This raises some questions, such as: 1) Why would the government invade a region it already controls? 2) Why would the arrival of the new world order be heralded via a press release? 3) Why are you asking so many questions? Holy shit, this guy is in on it! Shoot him!

As for how, exactly, Walmart factors into it: Once the government starts taking over, the brave individuals who don't bow to this Obamination will be taken to the stores and held there for extended periods of time, surrounded by sweat, smell, and the darkest depths of human misery. So it'll be business as usual, then. Meanwhile, the military will be able to travel from state to state through a network of underground tunnels that totally exist under the Walmarts.

DAHBOO77/YouTubeWhen they say they'll check the stock and take forever to get back? They actually went to check in Iowa.

Also, China! China's government is involved in this, somehow. We know because a woman saw a Chinese person working at a Walmart. Well fuck, they should have started there. Now we're scared.

One of the chief pieces of evidence for this dubious claim is that, according to experts who learned about anatomy from "How to Draw Anime Characters" guides, Mrs. Obama has the physical characteristics of a man. They haven't been able to prove this conclusively yet, because Mrs. Obama doesn't send full-body measurements to any random pill-dodger, but that's nothing some grainy video footage and a copy of MS Paint can't fix.

inquisitr.com "Clearly she learned how to fake her birth certificate from her husband."

Another strand of this madness is the revelation that no pictures have ever been released of a pregnant Michelle, clearly suggesting either a grand conspiracy involving adoption, or that she was pregnant during an era where insane people weren't trying to examine her junk via a long-distance lens. We are not kidding:

fellowshipoftheminds.com

countdowntozerotime.comIf we go by clothing folds, we've got several dicks growing out of our armpits.

But perhaps we shouldn't even be telling you about this theory, because it's also alleged that Joan Rivers was assassinated for "outing" the president's wife when she said, "You know Michelle is a tranny." After all, what's more likely? That an 81-year-old comedian known for making offensive jokes died from surgery complications, or that she was genuinely signaling the true identity of Mrs. Obama to the world? We all know the answer to this.

You've already read the headline, so let's just leap straight into this. It all comes down to the scene in which Jim is sticking it to the pie, which symboli-- oh wait, are we talking about the song? That ... that even makes even less sense, now that we think about it.

We spent a day making this graphic for nothing.

According to one insightful blogger, the folksy Don McLean classic "American Pie" isn't just about that time a bunch of musicians died in a plane crash. No, it's about how the USA is due to be invaded by hordes of satanic communists, a demographic that totally exists outside of a hyperbolic joke that we would otherwise make here.

It's all clearly spelled out in the lyrics of the song itself. If you replace the phrase "Miss American Pie" with "America," you get repeated mentions of "bye bye America," which sounds like the politest apocalypse ever. However, couple that with the repeated mentions of Lenin/Marx and fire, and the whole plot becomes clear: After a nuclear attack ("eight miles high and falling fast") causes an ecological disaster to devastate the country ("the levee was dry"), the forces of Communist Satan invade the USA, transforming it into a socialist utopia unlike the one that we're already living in right now (at least according to Free Republic).

Warner Music GroupAmerica's elderly women will be forced to wrestle each other for Satan's amusement.

We'd like to continue mocking this, but honestly, it's pretty damn convincing. Just wake us from our eternal slumber once the Devil has finished lecturing about the means of production and handing out copies of his little red book, yeah?

If there's anything that conspiracy theorists hate more than Obama, it's ... nothing, actually. In second place, however, is Hillary Clinton, everybody's favorite server-dodging politician who, when she isn't assassinating her political opponents, is masterminding an election campaign symbolized by fucking 9/11.

twitter.com/3DOTNEWS

twitter.com/UTHornsRawk The alternate design was Hurricane Katrina shooting JFK, but this one won.

Clinton's campaign logo is in fact "a desperate attempt to create political buzz for her campaign at the expense of the victims of 9/11," according to a website desperately attempting to get rage-clicks from the sort of crazy people who buy into this shit. Don't get us wrong -- that logo is unfortunate for many reasons, but saying that it was purposely designed to remind everyone of that time terrorists killed thousands of people is a bit of a stretch. Then again, we don't have the top mind of the blogger responsible for journalistic exposes like "Ahhh!! Little Baby Goats Run Around In Pajamas And It's Going Viral On YouTube" and "Don't You Hate It When Your Clothes Shrink In The Wash?" so feel free to take our logic (as well as our paychecks from the establishment) any way you wish.

And that's not all. According to the super-crazies, this logo is a tacit admission that the government did 9/11, which if true is an especially ballsy foundation on which to build a run for the presidency.

twitter.com/billnyeliesOh shit, The Science Guy's in on it, too!

It's also entirely possible, and we don't want to sound crazy here, that the letter "H" is a reference to Hillary, whilst the arrow symbolizes moving forward. Can we ... can we get Alex Jones talking about this? We won't be silenced, and once we've got the grainy footage and poorly-manipulated photos, we're coming to crash through your mind walls like a Kool-Aid Man made of truth.

We've yet to hear of anyone claiming that the LHC "moved" to be closer or that a goddamn smoke monster attacked the crew, but we have absolute faith that they'll try.