Everyone has that one kooky acquaintance who won't shut up about a completely stupid conspiracy theory. Maybe it's your coworker who clearly hasn't showered since 2007, your third cousin at Thanksgiving who keeps making Mai Tais out of cranberry sauce and rubbing alcohol, or -- if you live in Texas -- the governor of your state. Last month, Governor Greg Abbott ordered the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on military forces taking part in a training exercise. You know, just in case it was actually part of Obama's plan to take over the state in the name of Allah.
Whether the governor really believes that crap himself or simply wants to appease the important "nutjobs who drinks their own piss" demographic, the implications are equally terrifying: The Internet's stupidest conspiracy theories are bleeding into the real world. So let's laugh at the following ones before the Men in Black come and wipe them from our brains:
"Walmart Stores Are Being Converted Into FEMA Prison Camps!"
Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Back in April, six Walmart stores across Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, and California abruptly closed due to "plumbing problems" -- presumably, a customer dropped a deuce so big that it clogged the toilets in four different states. Not everyone bought this explanation, with some speculating that Walmart might have closed the stores to prevent workers from unionizing. Naturally, that theory wasn't sexy enough for the Internet, so they came up with something slightly better: the end of democracy in America. And the obvious clues were always right there in Walmart's logo:
MrCati/YouTubeAlternate theory: The Walmart logo is the puckered anus that birthed that giant deuce.
Around this time, the government announced a military exercise code-named Jade Helm 15 (the same one that has our pal the Texas governor so concerned) which will take place in the exact same states where Walmart closed the stores. Except for Oklahoma and Florida. Oh, and with the addition of Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Arizona, and New Mexico, where no stores have been closed. But other than that, it's the exact same states, which is confirmation that the government is planning on invading and imposing martial law over the region. This raises some questions, such as: 1) Why would the government invade a region it already controls? 2) Why would the arrival of the new world order be heralded via a press release? 3) Why are you asking so many questions? Holy shit, this guy is in on it! Shoot him!