Ha ha! It's time to eat a candle. Fuck everything!
If you've ever dreamed of eating a Pottery Barn, start off by mixing cranberry sauce with orange Jell-O and lemon juice. It smells awesome ... until you add the Hellmann's, which just takes everything straight to hell, man. You then add cranberries, orange, and walnuts, and pour your bologna-smoothie-like concoction into molds. Refrigerate them until they resemble ogre chodes.
If you see lumps, consult your ogre urologist.
Once they're turgid enough for consumption, shove a candle down the center. Voila! You have now made a birthday cake for a child who is an asshole. Several of the smaller chodes rebelled against their sad existence as decorative tubes of berry grease, promptly collapsing as soon as they were pierced with the candle. I tossed the degenerate lumps around Cranberry Candle Prometheus as gelatin worshippers.
They genuflected before their only brother worthy enough to carry the flame.