#3. Perfection Salad
Hey look, it's another McCall's Great American recipe! With more Jell-O! The Perfection Salad strives to live up to its name by including apple juice, lemon juice, vinegar, carrots, celery, cabbage, green pepper, and pimentos, aka the Milwaukee Bucks of the vegetable world. After combining apple and lime juice with the assorted vegetables and cooling and unmolding, it came out like this:
I shed a lone gelatin tear of pride.
And it looked so awesome. Everything stands still inside a sea of apple-lemon Jell-O. And guess what? It actually tasted awesome! Finally, a recipe worthy of being reprinted! The lime-apple Jell-O somehow complemented the weird-ass salad mixture, plus my food wasn't staring at me. It was smooth sailing from here, right?
#2. Liver Sausage Pineapple
Better Homes and Gardens
I'm going to lay out what happened next as clearly as possible. Here are the unaltered ingredients for my next endeavor, the Liver Sausage Pineapple:
1 pound liver sausage
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 teaspoons unflavored gelatin
Sliced stuffed olives
And here are some visual aids. Observe this plastic container filled with gelatin, mayo, and liver sausage. Please note that it is only halfway filled with liver sausage.
And completely filled with despair.
After mixing and fridging my concoction, I ended up with this liver tube:
Pictured: Not dog food. Maybe.
Which I proceeded to frost with a food-dyed mayonnaise ...
... stud with some helpless stuffed olives ...
Each olive is like a prison tear tattoo for the number of colons this thing has killed.
... top with a pineapple stem ...
This is what would happen if North Korea attempted to clone a pineapple.
... and then serve:
Ask a sommelier for the proper pairing of Pepto-Bismol or Maalox.
Here I am putting it in my mouth because commitment:
Even the bottle of household cleanser averted its nozzle in fear.
Simply put, I almost threw up. Even people born without a sense of taste in neighboring counties could taste how bad this was through my psychic anguish alone. The meat-mayo-jelly mix didn't even remotely taste like any one of those three things. The best way to describe it is sugar water, Monterey Souffle Salad, and Spam tossed in a bucket, then left outside for two days. Please do not ever attempt this recipe.
#1. Frosted Lime-Walnut Salad
For the last day, I chose the only recipe that sounded remotely good going into this experiment. The Frosted Lime-Walnut Salad was another one of those recipe-ads found sandwiched in magazines. But again, despite looking like the vomit of the gods, it had tolerable ingredients. Pineapple, cottage cheese, lime Jell-O, celery, pimiento, and walnuts mixed together? Sure, why not?
Amazingly, this did not smell like sewage.
Once it was done cooling, I frosted it with some jaunty cream cheese:
OK, maybe not so much "jaunty" as "nearly rock solid."
All in all, it tasted like a less sour key lime pie. Miraculously, this was the best of all the foods tested. I know I disparaged the abundance of Jell-O recipes in the 1960s, but all of those god-awful ones were worth it for the Frosted Lime-Walnut Salad.
In conclusion, should you be forced to consume any of these vintage recipes at gunpoint, go with one of the fruit gelatins with salad ingredients. Just please don't make that meat pineapple.
For more food items from beyond the realms of imagination, check out The 3 Most Disgusting Breakfasts in America and 7 Japanese Fast Food Items (Almost) Too Insane to Be Real.