Life here in the far-out year of 2015 is rather different from what we expected. We still don't have flying cars, hoverboards, or the technology to clone Arnold Schwarzenegger. But on the bright side, we do have a constantly-expanding income inequality gap and robots stealing all our jobs. So ... yay?
To make up for all these dashed dreams, we've had to invent sleazy new occupations that not even the most pessimistic sci-fi dystopia could have predicted. Twenty years ago, the following job titles would have been wacky indie band names, but today they are real things. Right now, there's someone making a living as a ...
Digital Porn Condom Remover
With the passage of laws like Measure B, which requires all adult film performers working in Los Angeles to use condoms while porning it up, the dirty movie industry has run into a bit of a problem. Yeah, yeah, it's all well and good to protect their employees and promote safer sex at the same time, but as far as the audience is concerned, condoms are a bummer, man. That's too much like real sex, which we can all agree is terrible.
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We're pretty sure they don't even exist in porn universes, much like fat deliverymen or underwear.
Most studios have responded by moving out of the area, but at least one has devised a modern solution to this modern problem: dong CGI. That's right: The same technology that brought us Jar Jar is continuing that sexy tradition by being used to digitally remove the condoms from actors' biggest assets -- and by that, we mean their Brobdingnagian wieners. Now, this is a porn-free website, so we can't show you the results, but here's a graphic to give you an idea:
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Tony DiMarco, director of Falcon Studios' optimistically-titled California Dreamin' 1, explains the decision to get all digitally graphic in his gayrotica masterpiece by saying: "I really wanted to capture the essence of that time, when life seemed more carefree and spontaneous. In keeping with this concept, I felt that condoms need [sic] to be addressed." Honestly, once you get rid of condoms, you're going down the slippery slope of computer-animated possibilities here. Why not drop the pretense of reality altogether and give everyone strategically-placed tentacles?
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