#9. For once, use proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation and proofread the damn thing. Expressly because mankind and its triumphs are about to be wiped out, it's more important than ever not to make a mockery of the great achievement of written communication. Don't embarrass your doomed species. Besides, no one has time to decipher your misplaced and dangling modifiers or slog through your incorrect possessive pronouns. The world's ending, dummy.
One of these girls hates Oxford commas. Choose wisely.
#8. No song lyrics. Do not define your life with someone else's words, particularly if that someone else is Morrissey or Jim Morrison. Anyone who does that will die alone in a basement. And that goes double if you type said lyrics in Comic Sans.
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You quoted Winger, dude. Even Helvetica wasn't going to save you.
#7. No "cute flourishes." Back in the day when one "mailed" resumes to prospective employers, certain numbskulls thought it would make them stand out if they filled their envelopes with glitter and sparkly stars. The only person who remembered them was the administrative assistant who spent her day covered in glitter, which made it look like she rolled in to work straight from a side job stripping as Serena the Space Princess. Likewise, no one wants to be bothered unfolding a goodbye letter that you intricately crafted into dinosaur origami. That will get tossed right in the fire being used to roast human thighs.
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"Chester's roasting on an open fire. Jack Ross' nibbling his nose."