Nobody likes a smartass.
Yeah, we're talking about a thick, veiny dick here. And if it's true that the women described in the book are Solomon's lovers, then it follows that the dudes are him. In other words, Solomon wrote an entire epic poem just to tell you about how awesome his penis was. No wonder his son felt so inadequate.
Elijah Thinks Your God Is Probably Pooping
James Thew/Hemera/Getty Images
A large chunk of the Old Testament is taken up by God trying to convince the people of Israel that Seriously, those idols you guys like worshiping so much? They're not real. Wake up, sheeple! In one of the more memorable instances, the prophet Elijah issues an ultimatum to the prophets of the pagan god Baal: If that guy's really a god, prove it. How? With explosions, of course:
"Let two bulls be given to us ... And you call upon the name of your god, and I will call upon the name of the Lord, and the God who answers by fire, he is God." (1 Kings 18:23-24, English Standard Version)
It was Jules' speech in case he ever had to duel anyone.
So, basically, both teams have to build an altar and offer a sacrifice, then wait for their respective deities to light 'em up -- fairly standard my-god-can-beat-up-your-god stuff. Naturally, Baal fails to show up to the party, and his prophets start getting exasperated, so they proceed to do whatever they can think of to elicit a response: they limp around, they cut themselves open with spears, but Baal does nothing.
And then Elijah gets bored and unleashes the sarcasm:
"And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, 'Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.'" (1 Kings 18:27, English Standard Version)
David Lentz/iStock/Getty Images