Statistically speaking, about 80 percent of you are either Christian or Jewish, and about 80 percent of you haven't read the Bible. That probably explains why the book has a reputation for being some nice stories about how you should stop cursing and/or masturbating.
In reality, the Bible is full of unbelievably dirty stories and one-liners about dongs, butts, and so, so much poop, many of which were censored out of the English version. That's right -- people couldn't resist toning things down even when translating the freaking Bible. But when you go back to the original text, you find things like ...
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After King Solomon's death, the kingdom of Israel made like a baby and got split in two. It was a dark period for God's chosen people ... and it all started with a dick joke.
How's that? Well, in 1 Kings Chapter 12, Solomon's son Rehoboam takes the throne, and pretty much all of Israel comes to ask him to "Make the yoke which thy father did put upon us lighter." In other words: "Y'know how your dad liked to treat us like slaves? Can you, like, not do that so much?" The wise elders tell Rehoboam he should be a kinder ruler and win the hearts of the people, but he's having none of that sass.
Instead, Rehoboam consults with "the young men who had grown up with him" (i.e., his frat bros), who advise him on how to handle the situation:
"... thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins. And now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions." (1 Kings 12:10-11, King James Version)
Yeah, we've all been there: You're shooting the shit with your drinking buddies, they persuade you to boast about the size of your dong, and Israel gets into a 17-year civil war. Now, some of you have rushed to your Bibles and found that your translation is the much tamer "My little finger shall be thicker than my father's waist," but that's apparently an incorrect translation -- or a less crude version, anyway. The same word is used elsewhere in the Bible to mean "penis." The message is clear: "My little finger is bigger than my dad's cock, so you can just imagine what I'm packing."
In other words, Rehoboam's response to a plea for mercy was to initiate a posthumous dick-measuring contest with a king who was famously able to satisfy a harem of 1,000 women. And hey, speaking of Solomon's legendary privates ...
As we've told you time and again, just because you're one of the most respected people in history doesn't mean you can't also be a filthy pervert. Biblical figures are no exception -- take the wise old King Solomon, who not only wrote an entire book as a poetic ode to bonin', but somehow managed to slip the whole thing into the Old Testament.
We're talking about Song of Songs -- a book of poetry traditionally attributed to Solomon, presumably based on his own sexual adventures. With his harem of 700 wives and 300 concubines, this guy was pretty much the Old Testament's Teddy Roosevelt of sex-having. But the filthiest bit in the whole book is also probably the easiest to miss. If you take a look at Chapter 5, Verse 14, you'll see a poem written from the point of view of a woman describing her lover:
"His hands are disks of gold set with emerald. His chest is a block of ivory covered with sapphires." (Song of Songs 5:14, God's Word Translation)
However, there are two problems with this translation: 1) the word that was translated as "chest" is actually used for "belly," "loins," or any part of the lower human body, and 2) as you may know, ivory doesn't actually come in blocks -- it tends to be tusk-shaped. Now tell us this: What's a tusk-shaped body part that's covered with blue protrusions?
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Yeah, we're talking about a thick, veiny dick here. And if it's true that the women described in the book are Solomon's lovers, then it follows that the dudes are him. In other words, Solomon wrote an entire epic poem just to tell you about how awesome his penis was. No wonder his son felt so inadequate.
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A large chunk of the Old Testament is taken up by God trying to convince the people of Israel that Seriously, those idols you guys like worshiping so much? They're not real. Wake up, sheeple! In one of the more memorable instances, the prophet Elijah issues an ultimatum to the prophets of the pagan god Baal: If that guy's really a god, prove it. How? With explosions, of course:
"Let two bulls be given to us ... And you call upon the name of your god, and I will call upon the name of the Lord, and the God who answers by fire, he is God." (1 Kings 18:23-24, English Standard Version)
So, basically, both teams have to build an altar and offer a sacrifice, then wait for their respective deities to light 'em up -- fairly standard my-god-can-beat-up-your-god stuff. Naturally, Baal fails to show up to the party, and his prophets start getting exasperated, so they proceed to do whatever they can think of to elicit a response: they limp around, they cut themselves open with spears, but Baal does nothing.
And then Elijah gets bored and unleashes the sarcasm:
"And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, 'Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.'" (1 Kings 18:27, English Standard Version)
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Some versions interpret the "relieving himself" part as simply "he's busy" -- but no, it's "I bet your god hasn't shown up because he's taking a dump." The original Hebrew word is sig, which can mean "expulsion," defecation," or "bowel movement." Yep, Elijah is being about 900 percent more offensive toward those dudes' deity than Monty Python was of Jesus in Life of Brian.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, Elijah then proceeds to build his own altar and drench it in 12 buckets of water, and then God lights it up in an instant.
The Book of Judges is one you don't hear recited at weddings and baptisms a lot, mainly because the whole thing is a grisly, ugly mess, with some of the most twisted, violent murders and sex acts this side of HBO. And that's too bad, because dropped in toward the beginning is a story that seriously sounds like what would happen if the Farrelly brothers co-wrote a movie with Quentin Tarantino.
The story opens with Israel under the thumb of the Moabites, an ancient people who enjoyed conquering and enslaving other ancient peoples. God sends a hero named Ehud to save Israel, which he accomplishes by getting the king of Moab alone in a room and then stabbing the crap out of him:
"Ehud came to him while he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, 'I have a message from God for you.' ... Ehud ... took the sword from his right thigh and thrust it into his belly ... and the refuse came out." (Judges 3:20-22, New American Standard Bible)
"Refuse," as in "poop." Yes, Ehud literally stabbed the crap out of him. OK, but how do you escape a palace full of guards after you've just killed their king? Easy -- lock the doors, go out the window, and convince them he's pooping:
"When he had gone out, his servants came and looked, and behold, the doors of the roof chamber were locked; and they said, 'He is only relieving himself in the cool room.' They waited until they became anxious; but behold, he did not open the doors of the roof chamber. Therefore they took the key and opened them, and behold, their master had fallen to the floor dead." (Judges 3:24-25, New American Standard Bible)
By the time the guards realized the stench inside was their king's corpse and not their king's indigestion, Ehud was presumably halfway across the country, laughing his ass off.
Unsurprisingly, one of the first things the early Christians were eager to clarify about their new faith as soon as it got started was whether certain parts of Jewish ceremonial law still applied to them -- more specifically, the part about having to slice off their foreskins or burn in hell. The Apostles themselves declared the answer to be "Ew, no" in Acts 15, but there were still plenty of people who disagreed.
In particular, one group in Galatia was such a big fan of circumcision that the Apostle Paul -- who as a Jew himself knew how unpleasant that sort of thing was -- fired off an angry letter in which he wrote:
"I could wish that those who trouble you would even cut themselves off!" (Galatians 5:12, New King James Version)
Now, most Sunday school teachers will tell you that what Paul means is that circumcision fanatics should excommunicate themselves from the church, but that's not it at all -- he's actually telling them to excommunicate their whole penis from the rest of their body. As it turns out, the Greek word used here for "cut off" is pretty much never, ever used metaphorically. It always means a literal, physical cutting ... of the bodily kind.
Other Bible translations phrase it as "go beyond circumcision," "emasculate themselves," "get themselves castrated," and our absolute favorite: "I wish they would go the whole way! I wish they would cut off everything that marks them as men!" In other words, what Paul is really saying here is "If these guys like whacking weenies so much, why don't they just finish the job on themselves? Castrati are really in these days."
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You're probably aware of the story of David and Goliath, but what you might not know is that David had many other fun adventures sprawling across three separate books of the Bible that included piles of foreskins and really ugly murder-adultery combos. One of the less Sunday-school-worthy stories finds our favorite giant killer on the run from then-king Saul, who's gotten it into his head that David means to usurp his throne. We're not sure where he got that idea, but it may have had something to do with the prophecy that David would usurp his throne.
David takes the high road and, rather than slingshoting a rock at Saul's forehead, he and his men simply hide in a cave to wait out Saul's latest bout of man-PMS. However, in a sitcom-esque twist, Saul decides to enter the same cave, but is somehow completely oblivious of David's presence there. So what was Saul doing in a cave all alone? Well ...
"And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave." (1 Samuel 24:3, King James Version)
If you can't figure out what "cover his feet" means, here's a handy visual aid:
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Yes, this is an old-timey euphemism for "take a dump." David literally caught the guy who wanted to kill him with his pants down. At this point David sneaks up on Saul ... and cuts off a piece of his tunic, just to prove that he could have killed him right there and didn't. And also that he's seen Saul's butt, we guess. When David confronts Saul later and shows him the cloth, he's so humbled and embarrassed by the whole thing, he promises never to kill David again (and then promptly tries to kill him again a mere two chapters later).
Luke T. Harrington would be happy to lecture you about the Bible some more over at the Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism. Otherwise, go find him on Twitter.
Related Reading: Ready for some more filthy jokes in austere sources? Check out Shakespeare at his dirtiest. We bet you missed the anal sex references in Romeo and Juliet. And while we're looking at filthy jokes in old works of art, why not check out this medieval penis tree? Oh, and by the way: Shakespeare invented the "yo mama" joke.