5 Famous Superhero Secret Identities Updated for Modern Life

No one's having kids anymore. They are having dogs. And fewer of these dog-havers are just letting their animals defecate on newspapers and bark all day in a stifling studio apartment. Those dogs need someone to take them out several times a day to defecate on and bark at the world at large. This isn't too hard to break into in urban areas. Put up a few tabbed fliers in the local pet food stores, get a couple referrals, and a superhero's got himself a dog-walking empire. Being out and about on the city sidewalks all day still affords plenty of photo opportunities.

This canine crusader just needs to ensure that none of his dog charges gets mixed up in battles. The second a Shih Tzu gets crushed by one of Doctor Octopus' mechanical claws, word will get around fast, and those dog-walking phone calls can dry up as quickly as they started coming in.

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Government austerity and university budget cuts are making huge dents in research programs. The alternative -- relying on private financing of your experimental serum -- is a crapshoot that can entail manipulative wallet-yanking and meddling in the scientific process.

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Counterfeit-purse vending is a good way to make a recession-friendly, tax-free buck on a flexible schedule. Seen in cities all over the world, shifty men spread bed sheets on the sidewalks and hastily arrange their knockoff Louis Vuitton and Coach wares. Technically this is illegal, but no one but fancy men in Paris is crying tears because someone bought a crap-ugly $30 sweatshop-produced hobo bag, not a $350 sweatshop-produced hobo bag. Given that, it would be perfect for the superscientist possessing a fungible sense of right and wrong. Maybe Bruce Banner. So long as people keep their aggressive haggling to a minimum.

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The guys who do this job are expected to appear and disappear at a moment's notice. The second there's even a whiff of Johnny Law, they scoop up their purse-laden sheets and scram. So there's no questions asked if someone needs to split to beat supervillain ass across town or head to his lair's basement lab when the itch to genome tinker strikes.

But what America does love is tacos. Particularly those ordered while inhaling exhaust fumes. We've gone taco truck crazy!

Taco truck vendor is another perfect alternative due to its freedom of movement. The wealthy supergentleman should have no trouble purchasing all the necessary equipment and establishing sizable credit limits with food service suppliers to get his business up and running in no time at all. And since the truck will presumably be zipping from catastrophic crime scene to catastrophic crime scene, there will be hordes of hungry emergency and law enforcement personnel on hand to keep the operation flush.

With Alfred and Robin already under his employ, someone like Bruce Wayne could easily operate an around-the-clock mobile taqueria. This could conveniently double as a new Batmobile, utilizing cooking grease and habanero juice as organic crime-fighting weapons.

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Not only is print dead, but the only people who read it are slowly following.

As the baby boomers tumble over the ledge of 65+, our economy will be consumed with their care. This aging population could greatly benefit from the assistance of a superhero. Imagine the number of rubber sheets a man with superspeed could change per day versus a regular guy with a negligible work ethic and string of not-legally-required-to-report misdemeanors under his belt.

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Administering elder care at private homes throughout the city allows the superhero to take the temperature of the crime climate. Should there be nefariousness afoot, he can act quickly so long as he doesn't abandon any of the elderly in mid-bath, as that will result in, at best, a report to adult protective services and, at worst, a wrinkly drowning.

Superman would be particularly adept at this job. Compassionate and honest to a fault, he could save the bloated Medicare system untold dollars by using his X-ray vision to detect cancers and identify hip and knee joints requiring replacement.

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If someone wants a will drawn up, who will he turn to? A blind guy charging $200 an hour, or a recent law school grad, nuances of current estate law fresh on the brain, who will work for a gift certificate to a tanning salon?

The solution to this problem is the solution to every problem since the dawn of man: legalized gambling. With many U.S. states in dire budgetary straits, gambling revenue is once again being looked upon as a fail-safe panacea. Debate the knuckleheaded logic of that all you want, but the upside is that a whole mess of jobs are opening up in the gaming industry.

A superhero with a sound and trustworthy legal background would do well on the floor of a casino or at the dog track running bets. While this doesn't offer the opportunity to roam the streets, it does provide tips on upcoming heists and plans to enslave the city by transforming its populace into rodents. Some two-bit henchman is always spilling the goods on incubating schemes while gambling.

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