6 Hidden Glitches That Make Famous Video Games Way Better
It doesn't matter how good the graphics get or how many screens, touch pads, and penis holes they add to the controllers: Video games will always have glitches, and we'll always think that some of them are hilarious. We hope that some day we can make a mistake that will bring a stranger as much joy as these six glitches brought us ...
Assassin's Creed III: Connor Kenway, Compulsive Masturbator
One of the glossed-over parts of the Assassin's Creed series is that, since the present-time main character, Desmond Miles, is living out his ancestors' experiences through a big sci-fi machine, it means he has to see everything. Even their very public "displays of affection."
You see, there's a disturbingly common glitch (as in it's happened to more than one person) where it seems that Connor Kenway, Desmond's great-great-something-or-another, is apparently overtaken by the stresses of being an assassin in Colonial America and just starts jacking it wherever he may be. Like by the river:
"They'll never see me coming."
Or with friends:
"'Become a cop,' they told me. 'It'll be an exciting way to serve your community,' they said."
So, y'know, imagine finding out that your bold, brave ancestor was also a chronic public masturbator and being unable to do anything about it. Also note that this was not the first time in his family line that Desmond encountered such perversions. Yeah, we're not sure how these guys had ancestors in the first place.
The weirdest, or most awesome, thing about this glitch is that the animation isn't just an "if you look at it a certain way" kind of thing. No, it's almost disturbingly real, and it gets kind of uncomfortable to watch after a few seconds. Like someone put it there on purpose, perhaps to make Connor more relatable to the average gamer.
Mortal Kombat's Glitchalities
Fatalities have been a staple of the Mortal Kombat franchise since the very first game, but even killing off incapacitated opponents in brutal ways can get a little repetitive. That's why each game introduced a variation on the classic formula -- like turning your enemies into animals and then brutally killing them ("Animalities"), or just brutally killing yourself for no reason ("Hara-Kiris").
As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, a glitch in Mortal Kombat: Deception allowed players to perform a Fatality and a Hara-Kiri at the same time, with hilarious results. This guy, for example, tries to punch another player's head off, but his own head inexplicably flies away instead ...
... and comically lands on his opponent. It could be worse -- this one tried so hard to tear off the other guy's arms that he just exploded from the effort:
There's a scene in The Karate Kid that's exactly like this.
Watch his legs do a little victory dance at the end. Those legs are just stoked about having been freed from the upper half of their body. And yet that isn't the most undignified example. This tough guy in Kill Bill pants takes his opponent off screen, and we hear pounding noises accompanied by blood spatter ... but then the camera pans back to reveal that he's the one who had his limbs rearranged:
"That's exactly how crazy I am! Don't fuck with me!"
Some of these are little surrealist works of art. The character named Kenshi tries to impress his enemy by levitating a palm tree with mental powers. Then he's like "Wait a minute, I don't have mental powers!" and (naturally) explodes:
We call this "The Cracked Retirement Package."
And so on. There's actually 10 minutes of these, and some of them are glorious. So if you're reading this, people who make Mortal Kombat, please make the Glitchalities a real move in the next game. You're clearly out of ideas by now, so you might as well.
The Skyrim Planking Dead
Sandbox games have the great advantage of allowing you to do things like throw 200 dead bodies off the highest mountain in the world, which is exactly what YouTube user GOXSTRAP was doing in Skyrim when he discovered the creepy, yet oddly hilarious, angry dead of Skyrim.
The video begins with the world's biggest waterfall made entirely out of corpses, which are thrown from the top of the Throat of the World, Skyrim's highest point. Frankly, who hasn't done something like this out of boredom in an open-world game? It's pretty much par for the course.
"To receive our help, you must travel to the land of- Hey, what are you doing? MOTHER OF GOD!"
Then, he tries the stunt again, but with living people. This is where things get bizarre. Upon flying down to examine his works, he discovers something kind of creepy: Some of the "corpses" lying on the ground aren't dead, and they're still able to kind of pivot and face him. Also, they're yelling threats, like the worst parody of the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
"Don't mind me. Just making snow demons."
Then the whole thing collapses into absurdity as the characters, still lying "dead" on the ground, begin slithering around like the world is their Slip 'n Slide, continuing to shout and threaten bodily harm.
This is what we're picturing the next time we watch The Evil Dead.
Finally, to put the cherry on this surreal sundae, the player runs while several of the bodies chase him through a pass and onto the other side of the mountain before finally throwing himself off the edge of a cliff, like some weird kind of campfire story karma. Luckily for him (and his soul), he lives, and the corpses apparently disappear, or at least lose interest and return to being dead. Or maybe they just went to chase someone else and are still out there.
The Giant Trophy-Shaped Car in Gran Turismo 2
Because having nearly 650 cars to choose from just isn't enough for some people, a Gran Turismo 2 player figured out how to access a bunch of extra vehicles that were coded into the game but never used. You can see their bodywork and stats and all. Awesome, right? Well, let's see how one of these secret cars looks like on the ro-
That's not a car. As punishment from the gods of racing for peeking behind the curtains of this game, the player ended up driving random game objects, like signs or that giant trophy, which looks like the driver got lost on his way to a homecoming parade. The thing may look utterly ridiculous, not to mention impractical, but it can actually achieve some pretty good speeds, and you can do all types of maneuvers with it.
Just don't try to drive into a tunnel.
The same glitch also allows you to drive some type of invisible car that can apparently fly and fall out of reality. Actually, it's not completely invisible: You can see the tires, which are sometimes square.
Wonder Woman just got a big ol' lady boner.
The World of Warcraft Spell That Sends You Rocketing Across the Map
With the release of the second World of Warcraft expansion, Wrath of the Lich King, players got to take a shot at the all-new Death Knight class, the first added to the game since its release. Like many things in Warcraft, however, its release was less than smooth.
Players quickly discovered a bug in the Death Knight's "Death Grip" ability, the unique spell that allows players to literally pull an opponent to them, a la Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
"Get over here!"
Apparently, Blizzard never accounted for what would happen if a player used Death Grip while standing on a boat, since boats technically exist outside of Azeroth's landmass. They probably should have looked into that, because what happens is that the player's opponent rockets off into the distance ... and keeps flying, and flying, until the game literally runs out.
The player spends the next five minutes or so plowing through the landscape (sometimes literally), unable to do anything, until ending up on an eerie, empty copy of the boat underneath the Alterac Mountains (which happens to be the exact center of the map, implying that this is the "we don't know where you're supposed to be" spot).
That's not water it's floating on. It's just hovering in limbo under the actual land.
The player is now completely screwed and has to die, use a once-every-half-hour "go home" item, or beg a gamemaster for help. While it's not so funny for the victim, it looks absolutely hilarious from the Death Knight's point of view (and Death Knights are barely reformed evildoers anyway, so victim schmictim).
Ladder Goat. Just ... Ladder Goat.
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood is a Western-themed shooting game, but it's a lot more famous on the Internet as the game that spawned Ladder Goat. What is Ladder Goat, you ask? We're not sure if there's a correct way to answer that question, so we'll just show you.
One day, a player was going about his business when he ran across a goat that walked up to a ladder and, through some miracle of faulty video game programming, proceeded to do this:
We're positive this is in the Bible somewhere.
The goat just starts levitating beside the ladder -- at first it looks like it's going to shoot off into space, but then it goes on a ceiling, jumps back to the ground, and repeats the process. This time it actually stumbles as it's going up, but it quickly gets going again, like a champ.
If you're planning on watching the original YouTube video, we should probably warn you that about half of it is just the player standing still and laughing uncontrollably. The player takes a moment to collect his wits, then decides to follow the goat up to the roof to find out what's so interesting up there. At this point he watches as the magical animal comes down to the ground on its invisible escalator, and he promptly loses his shit again.
Just seeing this goat standing there doing nothing makes him completely lose it. And it is hilarious to hear.
Ladder Goat became so famous that the game's creators were forced to acknowledge it in one of the sequels, Call of Juarez: The Cartel -- Raining Bullets, which includes an achievement where you have to find a copy of Ladder Goat: The Movie on a certain level -- they even put a quote from the YouTube video on the DVD's cover ("Ladder Goat, you so random").
"Please don't be a porno, please don't be a porno, please don't be a porno ..."
For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog. You can also pre-order his first book, The Book of Word Records, on Amazon right now. Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile and already pre-ordered Ashe's book. He thinks you should do it too so Ashe will shut up about it.
For programming mistakes that are horrifying, check out The 8 Creepiest Glitches Hidden in Popular Video Games and The 6 Creepiest Glitches in Famous Video Games (Part 2).
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out How Car Makers Routinely Use Suicide as a Selling Point.
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover the glitch that let's Luigi marry Peach.
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