5 Insane Strategies That Won Elections (and Changed History)

In politics, there are some phrases that you never, ever say out loud. You know the ones: "My opponent is a fucktard." "Sure, campaign donations are sort of bribery." "I'm actually doing what I promised to do." But seeing as the majority of politicians are pasty white guys, the biggest no-no would be the N-word. If you don't see the problem, think of what would happen if literally any white politician uttered it in public: The media would tear him or her apart, instantly sending them careening toward career death. You just don't do that shit.

That is, unless you're in France.

Francois Hollande was running against Nicolas Sarkozy in France's 2012 presidential election. Hollande's campaign machine was modeled after the strategies used by Obama in 2008, with an emphasis on voter registration, knocking on doors, and appealing to minority voters. Only at some point of the process they remembered that the guy they were passing off as the cool, minority-friendly candidate was the most "I'm a white, balding bureaucrat" looking man in existence.

Antoine Antoniol/Getty Images News/Getty Images
This man bleeds red tape.

They realized they had to go street, man. So they put out a campaign ad featuring the uncensored version of the Jay-Z/Kanye West song "Niggas in Paris."

Hollande knew that Sarkozy had in the past stated that the suburbs need washing with a high-powered hose. As the suburbs were largely comprised of ethnic minorities, Hollande decided to take those voters under his wing by adapting the exact opposite attitude. Appropriately, his soundtrack of choice was dirty -- you may recognize "Niggas in Paris" as a song that consists mostly of swearing, boasting, and slurs that would be career-ending if they weren't coming from a rap song.

The ad starts with Hollande thrusting a ballot at the camera, followed by three straight minutes of him immersing himself in the lives of ethnic minorities, shaking hands and doing his level best to woo anyone on the tan side of an eggshell. All along, Jay and Kanye do their level best to hammer home Hollande's message of niggas, motherfuckers, and what they enjoy doing in Paris. (It's ballin' hard.)

Via Extremecentre1
Ballin' like only a middle-aged dude with a potato-shaped head can ball.

So I ball so hard mothafuckas wanna fine me, first niggas gotta find me
What's 50 grand to a mothafucka like me, can you please remind me
Ball so hard, I'm shocked too, I'm supposed to be locked up too
If you escaped what I've escaped, you'd be in Paris getting fucked up too

Via Extremecentre1
American political ads so rarely espouse the benefits of gettin' fucked up.

She said, "'Ye, can we get married at the mall?"
I said, "Look, you need to crawl 'fore you ball
Come and meet me in the bathroom stall
And show me why you deserve to have it all."

Via Extremecentre1
You can tell these guys really get the song.

What's Gucci, my nigga? What's Louis, my killa?
What's drugs, my dealer? What's that jacket, Margiela?
Doctors say I'm the illest, cause I'm suffering from realness
Got my niggas in Paris and they going gorillas

Wow! Hollande can certainly keep it real. Or, as the song puts it:

These other niggas is lyin', actin' like the summer ain't mine
I got that hot bitch in my home
You know how many hot bitches I own?

Wait, no, that actually says the very opposite of "trustworthy politician keeping things real." That sounds like Kanye West spouting gibberish, because that's what it is.

Via Extremecentre1
But Hollande's stage is lit up like a rock concert, so it has to mean something.

Still, Hollande knew what he was doing. In a country previously dominated by a conservative president with a reputation as a racist, Hollande's ad was seen as an edgy breath of fresh air. As he took the election, he was met with overwhelming glee and a ready-made reputation as Mr. Modern France. The moral of the story: No matter the odds, you can't lose with Jay-Z in your corner.

He ran under the flag of his own party called (no shit) "Best Party." He laid out a campaign platform that consisted of key issues like building a Disneyland at the city's airport, getting free towels at all spas, and a refreshingly honest promise to break all of his promises. Best Party's campaign slogan was "We promise to stop corruption. We'll accomplish this by participating in it openly."

You get the idea -- Gnarr was in the race as a comedian, not a politician. Consequently, he was treated as such. People pointed, laughed, and made derisive comments. Some of them jokingly voted for him, either in protest or to ensure that the little guy would get at least one or two votes. Which made it all the more awesome when Gnarr's party won the whole goddamn thing. Not only was Gnarr himself elected, but Best Party ended up getting a majority of the council seats. This meant that they also got to pick the next mayor of Reykjavik. Two guesses as to whom they chose.

Gnarr is not a bad mayor. He's actually pretty awesome: He appears in holiday greetings dressed up as Darth Vader and heads parades dressed up in full drag.

Via Wikipedia
Nope, not a metaphor.

His actual political maneuvers are even better. For instance, when he needs to form coalitions to get the majority of the council's votes, he disregards all petty bickering between parties and actively encourages alliances between all political factions ... but only accepts people who agree that The Wire is the greatest show in the history of television. And really, can you come up with a better way to judge someone's character?

Still, a good man is hard to keep down, let alone a huge, power-hungry bastard. As 1926 rolled around, Thompson had his eye on the prize again. The only issue was that his reputation had been essentially destroyed by, well, the previous eight years of him being in office. Needing a way to restore his political power and dignity, Thompson initially attempted to lure the public to his side with lavish festivals and fireworks. When this proved ineffective and election day was drawing near, Thompson hurriedly drafted a Plan B: act as crazy as possible. With rodents.

On April 6, 1926, a mere eight days before the Republican primary to decide their next candidate for mayor of Chicago, Thompson arranged a political debate session. He walked onto the stage, in front of thousands of people, holding a caged rat in each hand. After introducing them as his two opponents, Thompson spent the next several minutes debating them, unleashing relentless tirades of rat jokes, along with criticisms of their records.

Via Wikipedia
All in all, not dissimilar to the Kennedy/Nixon debate.

But the ridiculousness hid a deeper meaning. The things Thompson criticized the rats for were actually his own screw-ups from his previous stint as mayor, and his "comebacks" recognized the lessons learned from past mistakes.

And the public ate it up. In a single display of political showmanship, Thompson had gone from the corrupt, disgraced former mayor to the crowd favorite for the next election, winning and taking "his" office back in 1927. Naturally, what followed was the worst mayorship ever. Organized crime and corruption ran rampant, padding Thompson's pockets to an impressive size and allowing Al "the worst gangster in American history" Capone's rise to the height of his power. Hey, if you wanted an inspirational happy ending, you shouldn't be reading about politics.

Via Umn.edu
If it makes you feel better, you could always print out this photo and shit on it or something.

In 1996, the freshly un-Sovieted Russia was holding its second presidential election ever. The reigning president, perestroika enthusiast Boris Yeltsin, was running a hard campaign against his close rival, Gennady Zyuganov of the Communist Party. It was such a close race that the government decided to make it a federal holiday to ensure that everyone eligible could exercise their right to vote.

Unfortunately for Yeltsin, the weather was turning out to be very nice, and every single Russian is a gold medal contender in the Not Giving a Fuck Olympics. He realized that an extra day off wouldn't send the city-dwelling constituents -- the vast majority of his supporters -- to the voting booths. Instead, they would just pack their stuff and piss off for a quick holiday in the countryside.

Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
"Eh, what's the worst that can happen? It's not like we live in an unstable country."

After all, Russians were very inexperienced in the finer nuances of democracy (even though a Communist win would mean the return of goods restrictions, poorly built space shuttles, and statues of Lenin dotting the land), and it never occurred to them to give a damn, as long as they had the day off. Yeltsin needed a way to keep his supporters in the city, where the voting booths were, and off the beaches. His solution took the form of a TV show called Tropikanka, a Brazilian telenovela that was inexplicably popular throughout Russia.

Via Neatorama.com
The only known time a soap opera has ever held any importance for any situation.

Yeltsin's strategy was brilliant in its simplicity: He contacted the TV station that was airing Tropikanka and convinced them to air three all-new episodes of the soap opera on election day. When the news got out, a whole lot of people suddenly rearranged their holiday plans. You see, most Russian country resorts had no televisions, and there was no way they would miss their triple fix of Brazilians pouting at each other. And since they had nothing much to do until the show came on, they might as well take the opportunity to try this "voting" thing they'd heard about.

Boris Yeltsin went on to rake in 54.4 percent of the vote and retain his presidency. To show his respect to the absurdly melodramatic TV shows that had made his re-election possible, he spent much of his career as a wacky character from one.

Ian Walton/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Nothing will ever convince us this isn't Yeltsin's O-face.

Evan V. Symon is a Workshop moderator. When he isn't busy falsifying elections, he can be found on Facebook. Xavier Jackson can be reached at XavierJacksonCracked@gmail.com and has a Facebook page to make him feel like he's important. Micah writes more lists here and helps save the world here.

For more bizarre game-changers, check out 5 Stupid Bets That Changed the World and 6 Mistranslations That Changed the World.

Related Reading: History is FULL of dumb elections, and you can click here to read about them. If insane political ads are more your speed, this link will show you the metalest campaign ad of all time. Need help spotting B.S. political stories in the news? We all do sometimes, and this article will reveal the manipulation in your daily newsgasm. Now- that was a lot of politics. Why not wind things down by reading about political agendas hidden in famous movies. You'll never look at Batman the same way again.