Now, we're going to go more into this in a minute, but Peter had a bizarre grudge against a Jewish magician named Simon. Simon, according to Peter, was leading people astray and sullying God's name. In Peter's head, the whole Simon thing could be solved with a few miracles. Miracle One: Give a dog the voice of a man to send a warning.
And Peter, seeing a great dog bound with a strong chain, went to him and loosed him, and when he was loosed the dog received a man's voice and said unto Peter: What dost thou bid me to do, thou servant of the unspeakable and living God? Peter said unto him: Go in and say unto Simon in the midst of his company: Peter saith unto thee, Come forth abroad, for thy sake am I come to Rome, thou wicked one and deceiver of simple souls.
Oh, shiiiiit. Peter just summoned Simon via dog. VIA DOG. And check this out.
And immediately the dog ran and entered in, and rushed into the midst of them that were with Simon, and lifted up his forefeet and in a loud voice said ...
What he said was not important. He said what Peter told him to say, which, P.S., isn't too crazy in the Bible world since a donkey got the power of speech in the Old Testament. What's crazy is that this dog stands up to deliver the message. He stood up like people. This dog becomes the star of the show, which kind of plays out like a low-rent soap opera.
But Simon saith to the dog: Say that I am not here.
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"Just be cool and cover for me, dude."
To which Dog replies:
Hast thou taken thought so long, to say at last: 'Tell him that I am not within?' Art thou not ashamed to utter thy feeble and useless words against Peter the minister and apostle of Christ.
Simon gets shamed by a walking, shockingly eloquent dog. Eventually Dog reports back to Peter.
And when the dog had said this he fell down at the apostle Peter's feet and gave up the ghost.
He died. The dog died. And still the people weren't totally convinced Peter was the real deal. Maybe because HE KILLED A DOG to prove a point. So Peter, Jesus' favorite fuckup, makes things right with another miracle. He looks around the room and, completely overlooking the fact that the greatest dog that has ever lived is lying dead right in front of him, notices a smoked herring (or sardine, depending on the translation) in the window and asks the crowd if he should resurrect it:
If ye now see this swimming in the water like a fish, will ye be able to believe in him whom I preach?
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Only if it sings "Putting on the Ritz."