But let's say Bruce simply dropped his fake mustache in that one shot. Let's say Alfred is just senile and imagined the whole thing.

This is Europe, there's probably LSD in that cup.

That doesn't change the fact that Gotham City is still screwed, because there's no Batman. Sure, Bruce left all his gadgets and stuff to Blake, but that was an incredibly naive thing to do, because it ignores the fact that Batman's true superpower was always money. If his tank broke down or exploded, he just got a new one. Actually, forget the tank: What's Blake gonna do when something tears up his Batsuit, like the dogs at the beginning of The Dark Knight? Patch it up with duct tape?

Costume Fail
Blake after two nights.

And that's the other thing: Bruce trained to be Batman by traveling the world for seven years, most of which was spent with a group of highly skilled assassins in the mountains. Contrast that with Blake/Robin, who was at one point overpowered by Gary Oldman in a hospital gown. What's going to happen when the Joker comes back (presumably he escaped from prison with the other criminals), or when a guy who looks like the Penguin as played by Philip Seymour Hoffman inevitably shows up?

Actually, the comics have already told us: They'll beat the shit out of Robin, only this time there won't be a Batman to come and rescue him.

DC Comics
The next Batman movie will be this, for three hours.

Hartigan seems to think that Roark won't be interested in Nancy once he's dead, but in one scene, Roark specifically tells him that he'll kill anyone who knows about his son's crimes. Nancy fits that description perfectly, since she was almost in those crimes twice. Roark makes it clear that he won't let anyone soil his family's name.

Because Junior still has a shot at being president one day, apparently.

But Roark doesn't know where Nancy lives, right? Yes, he does: Hartigan told him. Roark's men had been following Hartigan since he got out of prison, and before he found Nancy in the strip club where she works, he stopped by her place. So they know where she lives and where she works, and that she could ruin Roark's good name if she talked about what she saw -- honestly, not trying to kill her would be a huge oversight for any self-respecting criminal organization.

Hartigan killed himself with the best of intentions, but how the hell is Nancy going to survive now that the most powerful man in the city wants her dead and her only possible protector blew his brain out? Not that it was working too well before the bullet hit.

"No time to think this through ..."

With the help of a hot rebel chick called Melina, Arnold uncovers the conspiracy and defeats the bad guy in an epic showdown on Mars. The last shot is of Arnold and Melina triumphantly kissing in the Martian landscape, and then the image fades to white.

Apparently, having your face expand to the size of a beach ball carries no lasting physical harm.

But After the Movie's Over ...

That fade to white? That's Arnold being lobotomized. Seriously. This isn't even some theory of ours -- it's what the movie tells us is happening.

There's some debate about whether most of Total Recall actually happens in Arnold's dreams or not, but as far as we're concerned, it's pretty clear -- everything (and we mean EVERYTHING) that happened after he sat down to take his dream vacation went exactly as the dream salesman described it. Arnold became a secret agent, people were trying to kill him, he met an exotic woman and he killed the bad guy, Vilos Cohaagen. They even showed him the exact face of the woman who would show up in his dream.

"Make her look like that chick from The Running Man ... eh, close enough."

And the name of this prepackaged fantasy? "Blue Skies on Mars," which turned out to be a spoiler for the very last image he sees in his dream ... and possibly his life.

You see, there's a little scene where a sweaty guy comes up to Arnold and claims to be a scientist speaking to him from the waking world. This guy warns him that he's suffered a "schizoid embolism," and if he doesn't come out of the dream soon, he'll be lobotomized. Arnold basically goes "Ah believe you ... just kiddin'," and shoots the guy in the head, then goes on with the rest of the movie.

"Analyze that."

However, everything the sweaty man warned Arnold about comes true -- he even gave away the big plot twist, which is that Arnold's original personality was working for Cohaagen against the rebels. As the man put it, "One minute you'll be the savior of the rebel cause, and the next thing you know, you'll be Cohaagen's bosom buddy. You'll even have fantasies about alien civilizations ..."

In other words, all the crazy plot twists and stomach aliens that come in the last part of the movie are the result of Arnold's brain misfiring as doctors remove chunks of it from his skull.

The movie establishes that when the future is changed, anyone who was traveling in time when it happened still keeps the memories from the old version. The first time Walker travels to 1994, he fails to stop the bad guy, and when he gets back to 2004, the whole world is different and he's the only one who realizes it. The same thing happens at the end of the movie: Walker's wife and son remember him, but they are practically strangers to him. He has ten years of useless memories from a different life where he was a bachelor living alone in his apartment.

This means he can't do butt crunches in the kitchen anymore.

That's the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that this timeline's Walker is still out there, and once he gets home, it's gonna get extremely awkward (they're probably going to have to kung fu fight each other to decide who gets the family). Think about it: Walker left his double in the past, stepped into the time machine and then stepped out in the present -- at no point did the two merge with each other or something. Walker is now a man out of time, an exile from a shittier world that no longer exists.

Meanwhile, a dude who looks like him is banging his wife. Happy ending our rock hard, kitchen-crunching asses.

At least he has the splits to keep him company.

The "Happy" Ending:

In The Goonies, a bunch of rich dicks are about to foreclose on an entire neighborhood to build a country club, because that's all that rich people did in the '80s -- turn everything into country clubs and snort coke. After discovering a pirate treasure map in their attic, a bunch of kids led by Mikey (Sean Astin) head out to claim the riches to save the neighborhood, but they end up losing all of it due to the interference of a gang of inept criminals.

Led by Tony Soprano's mom.

All seems lost, but at the last minute they find a marble bag full of gems that Mikey had taken from the treasure stash before the criminals arrived. Mikey's dad takes one look at the jewels and tells the rich dicks to shove their motherfucking country club up their fucking asses. The neighborhood is saved!

We haven't seen the movie in a while, so some of the details may be a little off.

But After the Movie's Over ...

Unless Mikey's dad happens to be a jewelry appraiser or something, the families are most likely still screwed. Here, take a look at the "gems" Mikey got from the ship:

The costume jewelry industry was huge back in the '80s.

Sorry to ruin yet another part of your childhood, but there's nothing in the movie that suggests that this shit is anything other than glass. In pirate days, ships used to carry lots of colored glass beads, just meaningless baubles that were only valuable back then because they were used in the slave trade. As we've told you before, pirates rarely went for the fancy stuff when looting a ship: They were more interested in practical things that they could use to survive. In fact, some of these crappy glass beads were recently found in the treasure of Blackbeard himself.

And One-Eyed Willie ain't no Blackbeard.

In other words, Mikey grabbed the worst possible thing he could have grabbed from that room full of treasure. In all likelihood, the "gems" aren't going to be enough to save the neighborhood. Unfortunately for the Goonies, we don't really trade colored beads for slaves anymore, so the only thing those things are good for is getting flashed at Mardi Gras. So maybe that's what Mikey's dad was so excited about.