The 6 Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History
Let's face it: very few hit films end with the credits scrolling over dead puppies and weeping children. Movie audiences pretty much demand happy endings.
But sometimes Hollywood slips one past us, giving us a supposed happy ending that is actually depressing as hell once you give it a little thought. For instance:
#6.
Return of the Jedi
The "Happy" Ending:
The evil Emperor Palpatine hatches a plan to defeat the Rebellion once and for all by telling them the location of his unfinished superweapon and then telling them how to defeat it. This plan goes about exactly as well as you would expect, and our heroes destroy the evil scourge with the help of some genocidal teddy bears.
Wait a Minute...
That epic battle at the end there? That only destroyed one base and a fraction of the troops the Empire had at its disposal. Sure, Vader and the Emperor were both blown up, but that wouldn't destroy the Empire any more than blowing up the Pentagon would dissolve the USA.
What it does do is create a horrific power vacuum, in an empire with fleets of Star Destroyers and millions of pissed-off troops roving around the galaxy (even more pissed off if the payroll office and all of their checks were in the Death Star).
"So... should we just keep being Stormtroopers, or what?"
Soon these power-hungry military officers would no doubt form factions and destroy entire planets in their brutal attempts to seize power. Eventually Palpatine would simply be replaced by a new Emperor, possibly even one competent enough to devise a plan that can't be foiled by developmentally stunted bears throwing rocks.
Sure, the Death Star was taken out, but that didn't exactly stop them last time. Not to mention that by the time they reach phase twenty-six of their patented "Let's just throw Death Stars at the problem until it goes away" strategy, [below] someone's probably going to decide that maybe the ship doesn't really need an unguarded, torpedo-shaped hole on the outside, thus allowing the Empire to swiftly conquer the entire universe.
#5.
Superman Returns
The "Happy" Ending:
Lex Luthor fails in his attempt to kill Superman by stabbing him with kryptonite and leaving him in a shallow pool of water. Superman then stops Luthor's evil plan in a thrilling action scene that consists entirely of Superman holding stuff over his head.
Having saved the world again, Superman says goodbye to his son and flies off into space.
"Peace!"
Wait a Minute...
And by "says goodbye to his son" we mean, "For the second time he abandons his crippled, illegitimate son."
The whole setup of Superman Returns centers on earth's greatest hero knocking up his girlfriend and then skipping town for five years. The combination of human and alien DNA resulted in the child becoming weak and sickly, with Lois mentioning that the child was failing gym class (wait, what kind of PE teacher fails a five year old for having asthma?). Also, he has occasional superpowers.
So how does our hero respond when he returns and learns about his son? By breaking into Lois's house, telling him "good luck with the whole outcast thing kiddo", and leaving him alone. Again. So we're left with a kid who has:
1. Superpowers;
2. Gross genetic defects;
3. Good reason to hate Superman.
We're betting that he's going to end up a supervillain, and you know what? If he takes on Superman we think we're rooting for the kid.
#4.
Toy Story 2
The "Happy" Ending:
Cowboy dolls Woody and Jessie manage to narrowly escape the clutches of a greedy toy collector who tried to sell them to a Japanese toy museum. Our heroes all return home to their owner, where they can look forward to a care-free future of being violently jerked around by an increasingly strong boy. Everyone lives happily ever after!
Wait a Minute...
Or, at least until Andy throws them away.
In the Toy Story universe, the sentient toys appear to be immortal. The film makes a special point that the toys don't age along with their human owners, so the best-case scenario here is that Andy keeps them around long enough for them to watch him die of old age.
Of course, most people don't keep their toys around that long, and those who do seldom take them out of their original packaging. It's far more likely that they'll all eventually wind up at the bottom of a rotting compost heap, sandwiched between an empty pizza box and a copy of ASS! magazine. Forever.
Let's see Randy Newman compose a feel good ditty about that one. With a fate like that in store, it's no wonder ninety percent of all fiction involving sentient dolls ends with them trying to kill their owners.
Isn't the ending to the Matrix just basically the facts of life in the world today? Without the super powers and cool fighting scenes of course.
Replybig corporations like Walmart decide what they'll offer and what you can buy. People starve in Africa because of Warlords and greedy politics, not really because of lack of food. Right here in the U.S. bureaucracy screws up most logical solutions.
Sounds like exactly the same thing to me.
I thought Marty hated the way his family was. I know it sounds awful because you're supposed to love your parents exactly the way they are, but his Dad was a pushover, his Mom was miserable, and half of his other relatives were either in jail or just as bad off. My family life is GREAT so I wouldn't change it for the world, but could you imagine coming back to a household that's suddenly half decent? Before you barely got along with your parents and dealt with the stress of your other relatives being dirtbags. Those memories can't be very pleasant to have. Were I him, I'd happily let those memories get pushed aside and adjust. Sure, the first year or so would be rough given that your family will make references you can't possibly get ("Remember when you got the flu during our last vacation?" "uhh......ye-...yeah.") but those will quickly get pushed to the background by new experiences with his changed family. All Marty would have to do is keep quiet and feign ignorance whenever things get too dire.
ReplyYou might be kind of a psycho. If killing off your entire family just because they don't get along sounds like a good idea, you've got some issues.
In Toy Story 2, they actually cover the whole "Andy throws away his toys" problem by mentioning that he has a little sister (Or, as Jessie says "Well, why didn't you say so?!"). And even if they don't spell it out until Toy Story 3 (yes, written after this article), the implication is there: the toys can always be given away to someone younger.
ReplyActually, I feel that Marty would have soon forgotten his old family as the time line changed. So although he was surprised at first, his old memories would fade like he almost did from breaking his parents up in the first place. However, it is a bit unlikely that this didn't create a paradox because that would mean that well-to-do, great family Marty is exactly the same as the Marty from the start of the movie.
ReplyThat's almost equally as creepy and disturbing. If Marty's old memories would be replaced with new ones, he's essentially becoming a totally different person.
How about "The Island"? You now have fully-functioning adult clones, educated to what, the level of a third grader," who will now be living in a world they had believed to be contaminated, alongside the identical original versions of themselves...
ReplyThey probably die in the desert anyway.
Yeah, the chances of them making it through the desert with no learned survival skills is pretty slim.
Toy Story 3!xD
ReplyYou could apply the Toy Story 2 argument to Toy Story 3, as well. The little girl's gotta grow up some time.
That is both greatly true, and greatly depressing, Malfeasinator. Kudos!
Didn't 'Jack' end with a scene in which he's graduating from college? He looks about 80 and his parents are worried about his going out with his friends to celebrate. Or...did I actually imagine that and have gone insane?
Replyhe graduated highschool as a valedictorian
I just want a copy of ASS! Magazine...
Replytoy story one is now incorrect :)
ReplyYeah, just change Andy's name to Bonnie.
Here's one I recently realized:
ReplyWhat Dreams May Come
Chris succeeds in his quest in the afterlife to literally go through hell to bring back his wife who committed suicide. He, his wife and his two dead children reunite back in his pocket universe, and then he and his wife elect to get reincarnated to experience life again.
But wait a minute...nobody said they get to keep their memories from their previous life. Which means that their old identities are completely destroyed, so their two kids from their previous life won't ever recognize them again, and even if they somehow do recognize them, their parents won't recognize them anymore since their old identities are gone. But wait, it gets worse! Since they don't have their old memories, they won't remember the lessons they learned in the afterlife, which means they're doomed to repeat the same mistakes in the next life. Which means Chris's wife is doomed to keep killing herself, Chris is doomed to keep going through hell, and they're both doomed to keep on reincarnating and doing it again and again, and they'll have an endless stream of children they'll continue to forget, forever and ever. Or until the world ends.
nah, thats only if their kids die and he dies, on a lighter note watch this movie with any chick, and she will weep and then proceed to bone ya
Okay, here are 2 more depressing happy endings:
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesRatatouille
The "Happy" Ending:
Upon learning that rats have been working in the kitchen at Gusteau's Restaurant, the health inspector shuts it down, in spite of it getting a good review by the cynical food critic, Anton Ego. But, then, Ego, Linguini, and the rats all start a new restaurant run entirely by rats, and they all live happily ever after.
Wait a minute...
If all it took for Gusteau's to be shut down was for the health inspector to see rats in the kitchen, and since health inspectors usually arrive to do their inspections unannounced, then this new restaurant will probably only say open for a year, if not a month, before it get shout down, too.
Inception
The "Happy" Ending:
Dom Cobb successfully implants an idea in Robert Fischer's mind (inception) that leads him to dissolve his recently deceased father's energy company, and Saito honors his agreement to get Cobb amnesty to enter the United States to go home to be with his family, and he lives happily ever after.
Wait a minute...
Why did Saito want Cobb to perform inception on Fischer again? Oh, yeah! He was Fischer's direct competitor in the energy market, and he said he wanted complete control over it. Well, he got that. And with no one left to compete with in the market, Saito can jack up his prices however much he damn well pleases, and now the world will be paying $20/gallon on gasoline. And to add insult to injury, if Cobb is backtracked to having been involved in creating this monopoly, he'll be chased right back into exile, and he'll be right back where he started.
That should read "this new restaurant will probably only stay open for a year...before it gets shut down, too." I really should proofread these posts before I hit the submit button, that or just demand Cracked let me edit my posts.
Thinking it over the ending to Ratatouille left the rats knowing that while a few humans may be opened to there being more to rats, the public as a whole still don't approve of them.
Also they'll need to be taken care of, they can't just go back to the sewers and wash their claws before working.
They were used to getting food on their own terms but now they'll have to get food from the few humans they know, how long until it becomes to tough to feed that many rats ?.
They'll need somewhere to stay and how can you possibly hide that many rats ?
Saito didn't say he wanted a monopoly over the market for himself, he simply wanted to prevent FISCHER from having said monopoly. The movie doesn't specify whether or not Saito COULD have a monopoly over it, let alone whether or not he would maintain one.
And your Ratatouille example assumes that no restaurant would possibly be granted any exception to the "no rats" rule. It's vaguely plausible that they might be allowed to keep that new restaurant so long as they make abundantly clear that it's run by rats. (Not unlike how cigarettes are still legal, but labels on the packages pointing out cigarettes' health risks are required.)
How many times has the ASS! Magazine cover been used on this site?
ReplyAt least one fewer than it should be, IMO.
I just did a Google Image search on Progeria after reading the article, and looking at the beautiful smiles on the faces of almost every single child afflicted with the condition that came up in the search results was just heartbreaking. Robin Williams is an extraordinarily talented actor, but I think the film with Ralph Macchio where his character had the actual condition would have been much closer to the reality of the condition.
ReplyActually, according to the IMDB page for Jack, the character is apparently supposed to have a condition similar to Werner Syndrome; which is a Progeria-like syndrome, where aging is accelerated, but is usually diagnosed when a person is in their teens, where a sufferer in their 40's can look to be in their 70's.
Toy Story 3 addresses the Happy Ending/Sad Ending aspect. Watch it!
ReplyAre you aware that this article was posted years before Toy Story 3 was released?
One that I am surprised they missed was Time Bandits. SPOILERS........
ReplyI mean come on, the kids house had just burnt down all of his possessions are destroyed and the firemen drive off leaving a ten year old boy there all alone right after his parents have just exploded!
The ending in Time Bandits wasn't meant to be a happy one, though. It was still extremely dark for its age group however.
Progeria doesn't even work like that. He wouldn't be a kid in an adult's body. He would be a kid in an aged kid's body. Then he'd die.
ReplyThe article said Jack's condition was *like* Progeria, not that it *was* Progeria.
I'm not sure a kid who can throw a grand piano across a room when someone threatens his mum counts as "weak and sickly." The movie doesn't mention any "gross genetic defects" - after throwing the piano the kid gives his inhaler a "hold on, do I really need this?" kind of look. I thought the annexing of the kid with medication had a "pharmacy mum" feel to it - we're never actually told of any illness he has.
ReplyAlso, when does it say Superman leaves, as in LEAVES leaves? Sure, he exits the house after dropping in to say hi to his son (first thing he does after leaving hospital) and then flies off into space as he is wont to do. You know, as he did earlier in the same movie, right before swooping back down to foil a robbery/ using the sun to heal himself. Leaving the area to go to work does not constitute abandonment.
It doesn't? You, you mean... daddy will be coming back?!
Has anyone who works for cracked actually SEEN Jack? Robin Williams character doesn't die. The original theatrical release ends with Jack age 18 graduating from high school with all his friends, looking like a 72-year-old man.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesEveryone dies eventually.
@Stanza yes and eventually he would have died even if he were a healthy kid. Is Bambi really a SAD ending because eventually he and his father will ALSO eventually be shot and eaten? Is every family movie ever made actually sad because the characters will all eventually die? NO. It's a happy ending to the movie because the character survived long enough to grow up and have a happy, normal life despite his horrible illness. Although we are not shown this, Jack probably goes off to college where he gets to have lots of fun and yes he will EVENTUALLY die but by the time he does he will be at least 20, possibly 25, 26, or 27. And yes that is sad but there is a HUGE difference between dying at the age of 10 and dying after you've finished college. The end of the movie Jack shows that he is a happy adult who DID NOT DIE AT 13, like everyone at cracked seems to think.
Oh God, the point is that he has only a few years ahead of him. I am pretty sure you can see how sad that is. Jesus.
Technically, Bambi doesn't have to get shot. He can just die next to Thumper, and Thumper's 65 children.
I'm not going to mention the awful, awful Expanded Universe *shudder*, but the ending to "Return of the Jedi" is a perfectly plausible happy ending in and of itself when you think about it. Let's remember that the Empire has dissolved the Senate at this point, because, according to their logic, "Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station." So the Empire was, at that point, taking a real hands off approach to the whole dictatorship, because it worked. All of the regional governments really detested it, but they weren't going to do anything about it, because, look what happened to Alderaan. But than the Death Star gets destroyed, but the systems are still not going to do anything about it because they know the Emperor still holds all the chips in terms of military power. But than the second Death Star is destroyed, along with the Emperor and virtually all of the Imperial brass. And Palpatine is the Empire in this case, the way that Hitler was the Third Reich. So removing him along with the Death Star allows all of the star systems to confidently back the Rebel Alliance, effectively rendering anyone who still supports the Empire powerless. To put it the way the article does, no, destroying the Pentagon would not end the United States. But it probably would if the U.S. was a dictatorship and the only thing holding it together was the Pentagon and the Dictator who put it all together to begin with, who was also killed. And nobody liked him anyway.
ReplyAs it so happens, according to Expanded Universe (which most Star Wars geeks hate but some of us maintain is STILL canon) following the death of the Emperor, the Imperial warlords were left without a leader, and rampaged around the galaxy in their power struggle, leveling Courascant in the process. Eventually though, the New Republic and the reformed Jedi order whittle them down and after defeating the Emperor a second time, the Empire is nothing but a few downtrodden loyalists lurking in a remote corner of the galaxy. The only thing that stopped the New republic from wiping them out altogether was the arrival of an extra-galactic race intent on conquering the galaxy.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI will never touch or acknowledge the canonicity of the "Expanded Universe" until they un-kill Chewie.
They killed Chewie?! I wish I could go back in time to before I read this comment...to the Delorean!
You CAN pick and choose, you know... I choose to acknowledge the first Thrawn trilogy (which contains a perfectly plausible explanation for the Empire's dissolution at the Battle of Endor after Palpatine dies) and kind of ignore everything else.
I believe I felt my virginity return after reading over what I just wrote there.
Why do people always say the Expanded Universe is awful. I'll admit there are quite a few not-so-well-written novels among the EU, but, in general, I find the continuing of Star Wars lore quite interesting. They do push it sometimes. Like bringing Darth Maul back after being cut in half and falling into a deep pit ending in, assumedly, a power reactor. But who could ever say the Knights of the Old Republic story arc is awful. It's pretty f*****g awesome, actually.
The Expanded Universe IS official canon...it just sucks. Just like Episodes 1-3.
Oh and that Darth Maul story isn't canon. Not all of the Star Wars stuff is expanded universe canon. George Lucas probably has a master list...up his ass, where he keeps all of his ideas.