4

Super Beef from Giant Genetic Freak Cows

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Most of us just think of cows as walking beef. Think about it -- if you saw a cow in your yard, you'd assume that it escaped from somebody's farm. There's no such thing as wild cows, right? They're not animals -- they exist so we can have steaks. So if that's true, scientists said, why not go all the way with it and make a giant supercow with lots of extra steak on its bones? Boom:

Next Nature
This is what it'd look like if Sir Mix-A-Lot had taken up farming.

Behold, the Belgian Blue. Belgian breeders addressed the problem of cows not having enough lean, delicious meat on their bodies by exploiting a gene mutation that produces extra muscle fiber. If a cow and '70s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger made love, the Belgian Blue would be their baby.

Thanks to their extra muscle fibers, these behemoths can convert food to muscle much more effectively than their fat counterparts. And here's the kicker: They're all-natural. No steroids around. So even though they look as guilty as Jose Conseco at a back alley GNC, these gargantucows are probably healthier for you than what you're eating right now.

Stelma
Nice calves. Way to only work the glamour muscles, asshole.

3

Human Bees

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A lot has happened since 2006: We've elected the first black president, we got bin Laden, there were some Olympics, oh and all the bees started disappearing. And so far science's best answer for the mass beeicide is "cellphones?"

No matter what is causing the mass disappearance of the bees, the effect on agriculture has the potential to be devastating. Without the pollinating prowess of the honey bee, farmers of everything from apples to watermelons are losing billions per year, and experts are still banging their heads against the wall trying to come up with a solution.

Some people refuse to take the mass extinction of our favorite pollinators lying down. And by that we mean they've decided to become bees themselves.

Guardian
"Finally, a way to have sex with a tree that won't get me arrested!"

The pear farmers of southern Sichuan are addressing the bee shortage by unleashing perhaps their greatest asset: raw manpower. When the bees stopped facilitating hot yearly tree sex, thousands of citizens mobilized in the orchards each spring, armed with a suggestively named pollination stick made from chicken feathers and -- no joke -- cigarette butts. Up the trees they go, stick in hand, to manually do the work of insects by dabbing pollen onto the billions of willing blossoms. Or pork the flowers, whichever way you want to put it.

Paulownia Project
"He can dress up like a bee all he wants, but there's not a damn way I'm calling that weirdo 'my queen'."

2

Foods Harvested by Elderly Robots

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We've already mentioned how the future will be littered with the living bodies of the elderly, probably to the point where there won't be enough able-bodied people to do the hard agricultural work it takes to keep society going. Japan has already had years to consider the problem, and they've come up with a solution. Why not just robotize old people so they can work harder and longer?

Yoshikazu Tzuno / Getty
To be fair, "turn them into robots" is Japan's solution for most problems.

The Power Assist Suit, developed by Tokyo's University of Agriculture and Technology, is intended to make life easier for farm workers by "reducing the user's physical effort by 62 percent." With Japan's elderly now making up two-thirds of the total radish-plucking population, the suit can reduce backaches and cramps while simultaneously allowing the geriatrics to serve as the first line of defense against the Klendathu incursion.

The planned retail price of the robot is a reasonable $11,000, and it comes sporting eight electric motors. It also has sensors that can detect a wearer's movements and a voice-recognition system, and experts say that there is no more than a 30 percent chance that these suits will keep operating after the user has died inside them, creating the cybernetic zombie scenario that deep down every Japanese person knew was coming.

Yoshikazu Tsuno / Getty
"$11,000 and you couldn't include a codpiece?"

1

Scorpion Cabbage and Lab-Grown Meat

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Sometimes we think that if we can just avoid the hoof and genital slurry that gets shunted into the average hot dog tube, we're doing alright. Not anymore. For instance, aside from the inevitable farts, it's hard to imagine that there could be anything unsettling about cabbage, right? How about if someone turned it into a part plant, part poisonous insect hybrid? You probably know what's coming next. Besides Armageddon.

Chinese scientists have magically infused the scorpion's poison gene with cabbage, because Chinese scientists are really aware of what it takes to get our attention. By altering the gene that makes scorpions poisonous and putting it in cabbage, the scientists can kill off caterpillar larva that would destroy the crop without harming humans. Win-win! And not creepy at all!

"OK, we should've mixed them the other way."

And this is only one of the many times geneticists have sought to improve agriculture by playing the part of Farmer Dr. Moreau. Public interest research groups have reported combinations that have included safflower and carp, wheat and chickens and soybeans and rats. Then, in case you weren't worried, they're even engineering corn with monkey AIDS. Sleep tight!

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"-- and that's why I always practice safe barbecuing."

Things are becoming just as weird over in the deli aisle. Aside from the disturbing nature of the salmon engineered to grow at twice the normal rate, it appears that the meat you eat might not come from an actual creature in the future. You may have supposed that the Slim Jim people have been up to this for some time, but the first symposium on creating animal flesh entirely in a laboratory was held in Norway in 2008. And just so we're clear, this isn't a conversation about soy patties flavored and shaped to look like chicken -- we're talking about in vitro chicken grown in a lab. That you eat. With your mouth parts.

OK, maybe we owe the magical organic farming guys an apology.

E. Reid Ross does some other stuff over at RealToyGun.com.

For more weird stuff going on with your food, check out The 6 Most Horrifying Lies The Food Industry is Feeding You and 5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today.