Besides, the premises feature a much more enticing target. The N.Y. Fed plays home to the largest gold repository in the world, holding an estimated 25 percent of gold. All gold. In the whole world.
That's nearly $200 billion in solid goddamn gold bricks. Its disappearance should be more than enough to crash the world's economy twice over, if you're into that sort of thing.
That's the prize. Here's what you need to go through to get it.
Patrick. He's a better arm wrestler than anybody.
First of all, digging in is not an option, unless you have access to some serious mining equipment. The vault sits 80 feet below street level, and the rock that surrounds it is hardcore -- the bedrock under New York is one of the very few foundations hard enough to hold the weight of this kind of construct. Walking in by means of some convoluted Ocean's Eleven scheme is no easier: The only entrance is a narrow 10-foot hallway cut into a 90-ton cylinder, which in turn lies in a 140-ton steel and concrete frame. The cylinder rotates 90 degrees to close each night, and its doors seal the vault airtight by sinking into the framework.
Forget bribing someone from the inside to open the vault on command, too. The entrance cylinder is controlled by a series of locks that can only be unlocked with the cooperation of several different people, at specific times of day.
"And spiders. Let's fill the whole goddamn thing with spiders."
So, a perfect challenge! Just grab your experimental military-grade Spider-Man boots and that invisibility armor you were stuck with after the Luxembourg gig and jump right in.
Even if you do manage to sneak in, defeat countless tons of steel, rock and concrete and then find a way to move the gold (reinforced skateboards? trained bees?), there's one last surprise for you: the elite army of marksmen.
Did we not mention the elite army of marksmen? Because there totally is one.
"The United States is heavily invested in both gold and snipers."
While security guards are always to be expected, these particular ones are no ordinary stormtroopers. The vault is protected by one of the largest private uniformed protection forces in America, and each and every one of them is contractually required to be able to shoot the dick off a fly.
You are now in the vault. The only way out is that tiny cylinder. And they are all waiting at the other end.
Man, you really should learn to read these articles in full before leaping into action.
Cracked magazine: Providing free training to police snipers since 1958.
Assuming he remembered to make some content, you can read Elijah's writing blog here.
For more ways fantasy can become reality, check out 6 Badass Jobs That You're Probably Already Qualified to Do. Or learn about the 6 Insane Prison Escapes That Actually Happened.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Proof That 'Demolition Man' Was a Visionary Film
And stop by LinkSTORM to see our vast array of Cracked.com products that'll get you in and out of any national monument you can think of. (Warning: Products may or may not get you arrested on sight.)
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!