Cracked Round-Up: A Message to New Graduates

It's March once more, and a whole sampler platter of new college graduates are within sight of graduation. We'd like to speak to those bright, hopeful young souls now. You've probably heard a lot about how horrible the job market is right now, but don't get disheartened! With enough hard work and dogged vigilance, you can succeed.

But hard work and dogged vigilance don't put food on the table. So, as a public service, we'd like to give you some advice:

1. You can usually get two good knifes from one bar of soap.

2. Vodka disinfects knife wounds and acts as a painkiller.

3. California's homeless shelters are pretty boss.

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Good luck out there!


If there's one thing TV in the '90s taught us, it's that people falling down is hilarious. Seanbaby proved that trend alive and well in the 21st century. David Wong got real with an open letter to the rich people of the world. Soren Bowie looked at feuds between the craziest of the crazy people and Luke McKinney proved that life can find a way anywhere. Christina took on the lies we tell to the Internet while Brockway separated the House's of the world from the regular, non-genius douchebags. John Cheese brightened the mood with a look at why today won't suck. Chris Bucholz capped our week with a sobering look into the world of journalism.

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COLD LIES
5 Ridiculous Cold War Myths You Learned in History Class
Just think. In another few decades, we'll be able to write a follow-up article of all the myths we believe right now!


Notable Comment: "This is one of the most insulting, mind-numbingly stupid articles I've ever read at this site. Guys, stick to your usual funny crap and stay away from things you do not comprehend, OK? Millions of victims of communism, lying in unmarked graves, don't weigh on your conscience even a tiny bit? Morons."

Holy shit, ArikElman. We must have been super drunk (er than usual) because we so don't remember the vast majority of those murders.

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SURPRISINGLY SAFE
7 Deadly Things You Won't Believe Most People Survive
But hey, don't take our word for it. Test everything in this article yourself.


Notable Comment: "They forgot one major, MAJOR one: Having sex with someone with HIV. Your chances of catching HIV/AIDS by sex with an HIV-positive person is less than one-tenth of one-percent. AIDS is usually transmitted through sharing needles."

Way to go, Egarrett. One more piece of anti-needle-sharing propaganda for the needle-hating media.



ROUGH DRAFT
6 Ridiculous First Drafts of Famous Movie Monsters
Creativity is more of a numbers game than anything.
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Notable Comment: "I kinda like the first take green goblin"

Rorschach82 apparently has a box of lemons where his soul should be.



BAD MECHANICS
6 Terrifying New Creatures Science Just Discovered
Thanks for this, science. We really couldn't have done without knowing about these monsters.


Notable Comment: "Red eyes, lethargy and apathy? Sounds like pot."

Good Lord, cornflakes, the whole west coast might already be infected!



MALICIOUS NATURE
6 Insect Predators That Go Out of Their Way to be Evil
And we think to ourselves, what a wonderful world. Filled with murderous insects.


Notable Comment: "Thanks Cracked. Now I'm going to go to sleep with all the lights on, curled up in the corner and shivering."

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That's a good plan, gec. But insects love the light.





Natural Disastronaut
3 Energy-Saving Tips for the Complete Lunatic
Check out more from Natural Disastronauts.


YOU YOU YOU!
23 Tiny Changes That Would've Turned Good Ideas to Disasters
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Movie Posters Were Sarcastic, Video Game Side Characters: Where Are They Now, Current Events as Understood by a 5-Year-Old and Worst Plans in History: Charted.
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