Cracked Round-Up: Red Saturday Edition

This year, Cracked's decided to hop on the Black Friday bandwagon and ride all the way to wealth and power. Starting today, the first Saturday after Thanksgiving will be known as Red Saturday. You might think a free-to-view website would have trouble monetizing the holiday season. But you'd be forgetting Cracked's most valuable asset, the vital organs of our team of indentured interns. Thanks to some carefully crafted waiver, we can now offer livers, kidneys, lungs and hearts all at prices far below what you'd expect to pay at your local hospital. For an an extra fifty bucks, we'll even set the intern loose in our cafeteria and let you drop him with a tranq gun. You won't find any hospitals north of Mexico that will give you that kind of a deal.

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Seanbaby advanced the science of content warning labels by trying to make them worth paying attention to. Cody looked at the most ridiculous genres of stock photo while John Cheese warned the newly independent among us about the pitfalls of Thanksgiving. Soren Bowie went helicopter hunting and Chris Bucholz investigated the shit out of Red China's latest scheme. Robert Brockway looked at cover songs that were way more appropriate than the originals and Brendan McGinley got us ready for the holiday by ruining it with facts. John Cheese shared uplifting videos of his journey to sobriety as Dan O'Brien closed us off with an article for everyone languishing with their family and jonesing for a hit of Internet.

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5 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories (That Make Sense)
Writing about Hitler's poop fetish is a point for this site. We're not sure if it was a high point or a low point, but it was definitely a point.

Notable Comment: "Nice article...Could you write something about the theory that Jim Morrison is dead because of his tight leather pants?"

Actually jeff..., Jim Morrison is dead because he heard Hell has an open bar.

7 Ways Your Cellphone is Screwing With Your Body and Mind
This ties back into Cracked's Unified Theory of Everything is Killing You.

Notable Comment: "I'd rather sharpen my cellphone into a crude spear to defend sex then have a cellphone instead of sex."

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We are honestly terrified of the type of sex CylonDorado must have.

6 Terrifying Real Speeches That Were Thankfully Never Given
Each of these entries is just begging for a Harry Turtledove novel.

Notable Comment: "if mclellan had won he just would have made peace with the south. i dont see how thats a bad thing"

We'll give you one guess as to what region of the country darkusmarine lives in.

The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Acts of Battlefield Mercy in History
We can always rely on the kindness of strangers to fuck the world up for everyone.
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Notable Comment: "All right, Internet, I know how tempting it is to use the word "Nazis" as a synonym for "Germans circa 1932-1945," but it's really incorrect. Not all Germans in the interwar and WWII periods were Nazis. It would be like referring to all current American military servicemen as Democrats because Obama is the president."

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Roggs, Cracked follows a strict 'if they wore a swastika, they were Nazis' policy. Is it fair? We don't really give a shit. Because Nazis.

5 Insane Celebrity Product Endorsements by Historic Figures
Smoke up, America! It's a new day.

Notable Comment: "ah, the stories bob dole's boner could tell"

Thrillertime, you just gave us a fantastic idea for a new sitcom.

The Startup
Logo Design: Only as Important as Your Company is Pointless
Graphics are key.

27 Great Moments in History if the Internet Was Around
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Rejected Early Drafts of Famous Fictional Characters, Modern Life (Mis)Remembered in Future History Classes and If Real Life had Glitches/Hacks/Cheat/Codes.