5 Insane Celebrity Product Endorsements by Historic Figures
It's always a little hard to see your heroes sell out. Most of us know we're getting old the day some rebellious rock song we liked as a kid gets used as the jingle in a shoe commercial. Or when Dr. Dre turns up in an ad selling us Dr. Pepper.
But selling out is an age-old tradition, and some icons from your history books were doing it long before musicians and athletes perfected the art ...
#5. Pope Leo XIII Advertised Cocaine-Laced Drinks
The Man:
This was the first pope of the mass-communication era -- he was the first to have his voice recorded and his image captured on video. He served from February 20, 1878 to July 20, 1903.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Here he is, totally not expecting the Spanish Inquisition.
The Endorsement:
Vin Mariani was a cocaine-laced wine and a predecessor to Coca-Cola, developed by a French chemist who struck it rich after realizing there might be some money in the coca business. The surprisingly addictive drink attracted admirers/junkies such as Ulysses S. Grant, Queen Victoria, William McKinley, Jules Verne, Thomas Edison, Alexandre Dumas, Robert Louis Stevenson and a not-so-shocking-in-hindsight Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
As for Pope "Hollywood" Leo XIII, his addiction was so complete that he awarded the Mariani Company a Vatican gold medal "in recognition of benefits received from the use of Mariani's tonic" (i.e., for getting His Holiness coked out of his mind for a spiritual high not even found in faith).
Getty
"Jesus saved my soul, but coke saves my parties."
The Pope allowed his name and face to be featured on a Vin Mariani advertisement and, in a gesture of the recently defined dogma of Papal infallibility, reportedly carried a flask of the sweet stuff under his robes at all times. You know, for baptisms.
Via Joecrazy.com
"This town is like a great big pussy ... just waiting to get fucked."
Did It Work?
Better than anyone could have guessed. Pope Leo XIII ended up becoming the oldest pope in history and the third longest serving. Also, that whole Coca-Cola industry still seems to be doing pretty well.
#4. Mikhail Gorbachev for Louis Vuitton and ... Pizza Hut
The Man:
Nobel Peace Prize winner. Destroyer of walls. Time magazine's Man of the Year for 1987 and Man of the Decade for the 1980s.
Via Achievement.org
Though we like to think that Rocky IV helped make this feat possible.
The Endorsement:
It turns out that Gorbachev, the Nobel Prize laureate and dignified statesman who helped drag Russia into the modern world, was not one to turn down an endorsement opportunity.
First, you have his recent ad for Louis Vuitton travel bags ...
Via Nytimes.com
It's where he keeps his spare birthmarks.
... in which Gorbachev joins the ranks of Vuitton spokespeople like Madonna, Uma Thurman and Keith Richards. Yes, in the ad he's driving past the Berlin Wall. He's all, "That's right, I did that. Me and my Louis Vuitton here."
Oh, and you see that magazine poking out of the top of the bag? Apparently it's a conspicuously placed message about Alexander Litvinenko, the ex-spy Vladimir Putin is accused of having killed. OK, so maybe you figure Gorby took the Vuitton money just so he could get that little jab in at Putin.
But then you look back to 1997, and a certain Pizza Hut commercial that reminded the world that, for all of Russia's economic troubles, at least they now have good, American pizza.
Did It Work?
The Russian Federation is indeed the proud owner of at least one Pizza Hut franchise, so there's that. As for Gorbachev's legacy as a whole, Vladimir Putin and the Modern Warfare series have convinced us that we shouldn't go all "Mission Accomplished" on declaring Russia to be a freedom-loving friend of the West.
As for Gorbachev himself, this ad he cut for what appears to be a German train company sure makes it look like the man could use some extra cash:
Come on, guys! He won Man of the Decade! He helped kill communism, and the best capitalism can do for the guy is make him advertise pizza and expensive purses?
#3. Theodore Roosevelt Sold Fox Shotguns
The Man:
He was the 26th President of the United States. A Nobel Prize laureate. An arm-wrestling champ. The type of man you could have killed a plate of wings with before they were even out of the fryer.
He invented the Panama Canal so the Atlantic and Pacific oceans could have sex while he watched. He killed more animals than a fast food chain, fathered six children that we know about and was reportedly bulletproof on account of what we can only speculate was the world's first adamantium skeleton.
Via Encore-Editions.com
"Doctor, there's like six other bullets already in here. They're ... reproducing."
The Endorsement:
There was really only one product this man could have loaned his face to: A goddamn shotgun.
Via Paulfrasercollectibles.com
This ad alone was legal tender.
While countless companies cashed in on whatever they could slap TR's trademarked grin onto, only one succeeded at actually obtaining his official endorsement: the Fox Gun Company, for a 12-bore FE-grade double-barreled shotgun they built specially for the man while he was still president.
Via Jamesdjulia.com
"You can tell the army their services are no longer needed."
TR would later describe the buckshot launcher as "the most beautiful gun I have ever seen," and even plugged it in an article for Scribner's Magazine: "I had a Fox No. 12 shotgun; no better gun was ever made." Whether he was on safari or fighting Bigfoot with the scattergun remains up to interpretation. Just ask "Sharpwriter," who made this amazing chunk of awesome:
Via Etsy.com
That's right, you can buy this.
Did It Work?
Let's put it this way: If you were to ask us "Can we kill a zombie-bear with it?" we would have to answer "Yes." Because we believe what Teddy Roosevelt tells us. We have seen that "big stick" he always spoke of, and it is a goddamn boomstick.
Does that 2nd Reagan ad say "The Voice of the Turtle?"
ReplyThe Teddy Roosevelt ad should have been #1.
Reply"This ad alone was legal tender" LOOOOOOOOOL
ReplyI've named my rock hard penis bob dole. My flaccid penis is called ronnie reagan
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI named my penis Theodore Roosevelt about ten years ago and, since then, it's killed three Bigfoots, an innumerable amount of grizzlies, and has had a hundred times the number of women that I have. Soon, there will be a fifth head carved into Mount Rushmore.
Vote Theodore "My Penis" Roosevelt for President in 2012!
I nicknamed my penis Al Gore because he's always making up bullshit stories of past accomplishments.
I named my penis Bush. Because I'm a confused young man.
My print of Teddy pumping Bigfoot full of lead is on its way. I shall frame it and hang it above my bed, in all its majesty.
ReplyI had to get one too. Remarkable!
Pope Leo XIII looks like Lieberman.
ReplyThis article is perfection
Replytruth be told, cigarettes really weren't such a pile of crap back then.
ReplyAre you typing that while smoking one of those s****y ass modern cigarettes? Gimme a break, cigarettes have always been a pile of crap, only difference is back then they just thought it cured everything, and nowadays it causes everything.
I think back in the old days there was a lot more tobacco and a lot less everything else inside that cigarette.
That short description of Teddy Roosevelt is the best thing I've ever read.
ReplyI better die now, lest I be disapointed by everything that will happen beyond this point.
Bob Dole is a historic figure? Really? I think this is the first time I've heard his name since 1996. How is he historic?
ReplyChuck say that any man can be a historic figure if he talks in third person enough. Chuck believe Bod Dole has had more influence on the next presidential campaign rather than his own. Chuck believes in these sad facts.
From his Wiki: '...Dole was hit by German machine gun fire in his upper right back and his right arm was also badly injured. As Lee Sandlin describes, when fellow soldiers saw the extent of his injuries all they thought they could do was to "give him the largest dose of morphine they dared and write an 'M' for 'morphine' on his forehead in his own blood, so that nobody else who found him would give him a second, fatal dose. ... Dole was decorated three times, receiving two Purple Hearts for his injuries, and the Bronze Star with combat "V" for valor for his attempt to assist a downed radio man.'
He was a historic figure long before politics.
Okay, I am seriously weirded out by the ads for discount dance supply. It's got to be the most random thing I have ever seen word-association adbots pull together.
Replyi bought the T Rose pic. It has also been my background on my phone, computer and ps3 for 3 months. I snuck it into me and my wife's wedding montage at the reception. So glad Cracked made use of it finally
ReplyIs it just my imagination, or does the author of this article have the coolest sounding name ever?
ReplyI, for one, am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN Bob Dole just thought doing these commercials was hilarious. Because it was.
ReplyThat Bob Dole "quote" killed me.
ReplyI am now dead.
And as for MG, you fail to mention that he does the ads for charity, with his most recent proceeds going to combat climate change. Excellent research, or intentional omissions, most likely.
ReplyWould ads for charity be considered product endorsement though?
Advertising charities? No. Giving the money he earns from commercial product endorsements to charity is notable though.
How is Regan selling smokes "insane?" Selling weapons to Iranians, now THAT was insane.
ReplyTo fund the contras, not so isane. Viva Nicaragua jodido!
With Teddy Roosevelt's fox-gun, you too can shoot foxes. All of them.
ReplyAbout five minutes before reading the Chesterfield entry, someone referenced the same Breakfast Club scene while talking to me... Crazy.
ReplyRepublican presidents representing corporate interests for monetary gain? I for one am shocked, shocked and appalled.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"American presidents representing corporate interests for monetary gain? I, for one, am shocked and appalled."
Fix'd
Well the only American politicians on here were Republicans, that's not to say that Democrats aren't in bed with corporations too but atleast they don't overtly advertise for them.
At least the republicans admit that they are pro buisness, democrats extoll the "evils of big buisness" and then take multi-million dollar kick-backs in the form of sweetheart stock deals.