Still, Cracked wanted me. By the time my first article was published on December 18, 2007, I was obsessed with the site. In between homeschooling my kids and working on a diabetes vaccine, I pitched article after article, with only a handful making it through our editorial process. I wrote at night and on the weekends, while my kids played on the beach and during their piano lessons and when they tried to talk to me. I asked for advice and stalked my favorite Cracked writers and scrutinized every single editorial change made to my articles. Before you knew it, I had internalized the Cracked voice and, after having several articles published, I was approached about editing other people's articles as well.
I didn't have time to shave my hands -- back off.
And then, HAND TO GOD, Cracked straight up made me a full-time editor. And that's the story of how an ex-kindergarten teacher slash homeschooling mother slash glamour model became a full-time boner joke writer. Brother, you haven't lived until you try to explain that career path at a PTA meeting.
Flash forward to Thanksgiving Day 2011 ... and I get to write the annual Thanksgiving message. The same message that brought me here four years ago. I thought about doing it in the form of a rap, but I couldn't find my dark sunglasses, so here we are. Between a new career and giving me a chance to invent about 40 new versions of the word "penis," Cracked completely changed my life. And like everyone else writing for the site, I'm so, so grateful.
Though I'm still not used to my office.
But enough about me. What can Cracked do for you?
We can give you access to millions of readers. Sometimes hundreds of millions. Sometimes millions of millions (sources pending). We have one writer, for example, who joined the workshop in May of 2009. His thing was history. Just loooooved it. At this point Jacopo della Quercia articles have generated over 100 million views combined. Do you understand those numbers? I don't. But I know that there are European countries that don't have that many people. And that there are fewer miles from the Earth to the sun than there are hits on Jacopo's articles. In the last calendar year, Cracked.com has received 2.5 billion page views. Billion, with a "b." Put that in your lip and chew it for a while.