Alas, dear readers, our filthy whoring ways have finally caught up with us. The staffers took up a collection to pick up an exotic hooker, just as a way to celebrate Halloween. $1600 later half the office was pissing blood and the other half were desperately trying to contain out-of-control public hair fires. The CDC got involved eventually. They needed to know who the carrier was and, since none of us wanted to get busted for prostitution, we lied and blamed it all on Uvek the Ukrainian accounting intern. We haven't seen him in weeks, so we're using his last paycheck to hire an even exotic-er hooker. STDs don't strike twice, right?

Have you recently purchased a haunted home? If so, Soren Bowie has the guide for you. Please note that is NOT responsible for your inevitable demise. If your home is ghost-free (or if you work out a suitable ghost-treaty), proceed to Christina's article on the Internet's reaction to popular news stories. As a warning, "the Internet" produces only distilled stupidity. That, and incredibly useful guides for dealing with a satellite crash into your home. Chris Bucholz writes from experience, which is just one of the many reasons he spends most nights camped out in our parking garage. Robert Brockway doesn't know where he spends most nights, and neither will you once you've read his latest Choose Your Own Adventure (on drugs). Then you can drop on by Brendan McGinley's column for a look at the people who troll Chris Brown on Twitter. Get ready for weekend romance with Seanbaby's latest creepy romance book review. Then wind down with Dan O'Brien and find out why you desperately need to attend Comikaze 2011, even if you hate conventions.

7 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True
Sometimes, the world is even more terrifying than Hollywood's kookiest coked-up fantasy.

Notable Comment: "When I was working in John Wanamaker's ( a 120 year old department store in Philly ) back in the early 80s we had a homeless guy living for months inside the store. There were false walls all over the store used by the advertising department and he'd set up a place behind one of the walls. Apparently he'd come out at night and take things from all over the store to set up his place. What gave him away was the smell of coffee he was making one morning. Whatever else was true about the guy, he had good taste, for when security took his cubby hole apart he had only the best and most expensive stuff from the store in there."

Marcus D makes us all long for the carefree life of a wall-dwelling hobo.

The 8 Creepiest Glitches Hidden in Popular Video Games
Running into any one of these while alone in the house at 2:00 AM is probable cause to suspect a haunting.

Notable Comment: "I found the "sex doll" description for Peach/Kirby to be very apt, especially when you consider that Kirby is best known for sucking and swallowing just about anything that gets near him/her/it."

Thank you for devoting precious brainpower to arriving at that conclusion, urh. Please never, ever visit us.

6 Scary Tricks That Amazed Us As Kids (Explained by Science)
Editorial set a quota for how much magic we're required to take out of the world each week.

Notable Comment:"Djibouti, Ibis, Strawberry. I'm not apologizing for picking Djibouti."

VillanovaDandy, you should never apologize for Djibouti.

5 Real Murderers More Terrifying Than Any Horror Movie
How do we keep our faith in humanity after writing articles like this week after week? Compassion, faith, and ground up Tylenol railed and chased with forty-year-old Glenlivet.

Notable Comment:"There's a guy in my hometown who kills prostitutes and chops off their heads :/"

We'll be honest, LilySkinner, that dude sounds way more interesting than you.

16 Great Halloween Costumes for Telling Everyone You Suck
Of course, if you're the kind of person who would wear one of these costumes, everyone in your life already knows you suck.

Notable Comment: "I think this year I'm going as my parents worst mistake. It won't be that hard since I just have to be me and continue underachieving and also sell a little bit of crack to some freshman college students "

ChuckTesta should man up and sell a real drug to those freshmen. We're thinking meth laced with PCP laced with asprin.

Ralph: The Last Guy to Wear a Hitler Mustache in America
Not everyone reads the paper.

If Online Ads Actually Told The Truth
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Ads for Products That Must Exist in Video Game Universes, Car Improvements We'd Like to See and Great Photos Ruined by X-Ray Vision.

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