CRACKED ROUND-UP: Emergency Transcript Edition
We don't have long to type this out. The Prince's men are all but upon us. We found the hidden Papal archive. Inside were...statues, illustrated tomes, transcripts, tools, and oh-so-many videos. We know the Mona Lisa's moist secret, and they won't let us out of these catacombs alive as long as we know it. Please, you have to tell the world th-
While we wait to re-establish contact with our forward Round-Up team, enjoy Soren Bowie's article on baffling Internet searches for Medical Advice. If that ever-present sense of cosmic deja vu / dread starts getting you down, Bucholz's How-To for escaping time loops is a must-read. Don't feel too positive about the world, though. Brockway's leaked Akira script will send you into a relaxing hate-coma. Next, curl up with Seanbaby and take a look at the very worst of Marvel. By this point, you're probably in a pretty dark place. You need Dan O'Brien's stirring call to rally for a better Internet.
IGNORANCE IS DEADLY
|7 Basic Things You Won't Believe You're Doing Wrong
Your life was a flaming, out-of-control wreck and you didn't even know it. Congratulations!
Notable Comment: People give the British so much shit for that whole 'bad teeth' myth, it's unreal.
|6 Mistranslations That Changed the World
Incompetence is like a shimmering strand of gossamer thread that runs the whole length of human history.
Notable Comment: "How to say diarrhea in Mandarin Chinese:...la du zi literally pull stomach OR Fu xie literally swift flowing belly"
SunShaoQi is instantly our favorite poster.
|7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo
Women's magazines are the reason our whole generation is unconsciously trying to sterilize itself.
Notable Comment: "So let me get this straight. As a man no matter what I do within my relationship it points to me having an affair? Yep, that's seems logical and fair. There's a reason Spock wasn't played by a woman."
Jomac006, Spock wasn't played by a woman because Leonard Nimoy looks terrible in a skirt. Just awful.
|8 Famous Movies Made by The Last Person You'd Ever Suspect
Hey, speaking of Leonard Nimoy.
Notable Comment:"During a publicity tour for "3 Men and a Baby", the cast appeared on Oprah. When asked about Nimoy as director, they gave very complimentary remarks about him and his professionalism. Then Ted Danson added "but if you pinch his ass, he giggles like a schoolgirl."
Goddamn, cherokeebride, we knew it.
JUST PLAIN UNCOMFORTABLE
|6 Artists Whose Weird Fetishes Defined Pop Culture
Why is it that Joss Whedon looks like he's just done something terrible in every picture we've ever seen of him?
Notable Comment: "Is this hyperbole week at Cracked?"
Every week is hyperbole week at Cracked, TerroristCakes.
YOU YOU YOU!
|Easter Eggs You Never Noticed in Famous Video Games
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Romantic Comedies That Shouldn't be Made, Things Kids Secretly Suspect About The Adult World and How the Inevitable Humans-Robot War Will Start.
|Rocky IV: The Version They Saw in Russia
Fear me and my terrifying army of sticky children.
"So, it's made from all recycled parts? Well, that's something of a relief, I suppose."
Sorry, Mr. Parker, The Spidermobile is just not as cool as the Batmobile.
"Hello Geico? You might want to send out a claims agent, because you're not gonna believe this shit."
OK, maybe SOME radiation reached the US.
Paul now regretted throwing back the little lake monster he caught last year.
I always feel awkward in these situations ... am I supposed to tip him or not?
A memorial to the people who forgot their safe word.
Inside his pockets? Whole bunch of Trojans.
Unfortunately, this defined an entire generation.
"Don't you just hate it when somebody else shows up wearing the same thing as you?"
There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance, but you really don't want to go there.
It's good to see Gary Coleman is still getting work.
E-harmony does it again.