At least, say, a sweater or little dog boots could be claimed to have some application (maybe your dog gets cold? And you don't want him tracking shit into your house?), but if you saw Paris Hilton walking a dog that's wearing strap-on sunglasses, you'd weep for Western civilization. Just look at the fucking Doggles website:
As seen on Regis and Kelly indeed.
The thing is, Doggles aren't meant for your dog. They're utility goggles for search-and-rescue dogs, police dogs and even military dogs.
Like Lt. Col. Ruffles here.
What shielded war dogs' eyes from the effects of desert sandstorms in Iraq and Afghanistan? Doggles. In the aftermath of 9/11, what protected the search-and-rescue dogs from being eye-raped by dangerous debris dust? You guessed it: fuckin' Doggles. Feel silly for making fun of them yet? That's because Doggles have done more for mankind than you ever will.
So has this dog. And that red thing, whatever it is.
Sure, the company that makes them also sells pink Chihuahua sunglasses, but the thing to remember here is that Doggles as fashion items are just an unfortunate byproduct. They are sold for pet owners much in the same way Hummers are sold for civilian use -- as unnecessary gadgets for schmucks with way too much money and no sense of ridicule whatsoever.
Like this stupid bitch.
But not all goggles-wearing dogs are the victims of obliviously cruel owners: Doggles can be used to help dogs with eye conditions, too. In one case, they saved the life of a dog that can't produce tears, a painful condition that's usually resolved with a one-way trip to the vet.
We'll stop making fun of dogs in party hats, too, just in case.
Pauli is a freelance writer who may or may not be secretly amazing. Visit him at The Unpronounceable, or have a go at his other Cracked articles here.
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