6 Brilliant Inventions That Look Like Gag Gifts

Actually, we have no idea what that means, but smarter people than us assure us that it's a pretty big deal. And since sand and water are super easy to come by, dry water could very well become a cost-effective way of keeping in check CO2 emissions that would otherwise be free to wreak havoc on the ozone layer.

We know what you're wondering: What about other dangerous greenhouse gases, such as methane? Fuck methane -- dry water absorbs that, too. Not only that, water-drying technology is advancing so well that soon it may be applied to liquids other than water, such as oil, though we're not sure what practical use soaking up oil could-

Oh.

So we guess we should go looking for a pedal-powered wheelchair now?

What You're Probably Thinking:

Seriously? Because at a glance this appears to be the ultimate "fuck you" to anyone confined to a wheelchair. Only a complete bastard would add bike pedals to something specifically designed for people who can't use their legs.

Granted, it'd have to be a pretty resourceful bastard with a lot of extra time.

Alternatively, this can be a way for the growing community of douchebags who use wheelchairs despite not really needing them to feel slightly better about themselves by occasionally strapping the bike pedals to the chair and using them to get some exercise (instead of just, you know, standing up and walking).

Actually ...

Not every wheelchair-bound person is 100 percent paraplegic, you know. Like all injuries, spinal cord ones can vary in severity; some cause incomplete paraplegia, which means quite a few people in wheelchairs still retain at least some use of their legs. And until recently, those people had to settle for chairs that are actually made with complete paraplegics in mind.

Apparently, successive generations of wheelchair designers just said "to hell with those assholes."

That's where the Pedalofit comes in -- it allows people with partial leg use to move independently, as long as they manage to inquire about the product name being arrested.

"Not what I thought I was ordering, but still great!"

Not only that: Even if someone with incomplete paraplegia can't move his legs, there's a pretty good chance that, with enough work, some day he might. The Pedalofit and other pedal wheelchairs can help these people in their rehabilitation process, not to mention muscle atrophy patients and those suffering from balance disorders. Most of these people have legs that more or less work -- just because you can't walk doesn't mean your legs are dead.

Of course, that doesn't mean there won't be other people who buy these just because they're lazy, or want to look cool.

"How's all that walking working out for you? Loser."

Unlike those lame-ass airplane ejection seats (and the occasional helicopter that comes with a "drop seat"), the Black Shark doesn't just push its pilot into the air -- it does so while simultaneously causing a huge explosion. The dual rotor blades of the machine are fastened to the hub with explosive bolts, which means that they are blown the fuck away in the split second between the pilot pressing the eject button and shooting headfirst into the sky.

Seems safe enough.

And it works, apparently. Sure, you're left with a burning helicopter filled with explosive weaponry and the aerodynamics of a boulder, but as long as you don't land in the huge burning crater it's gonna leave in the ground, you should be OK.

If there's one way we should be more like the Russians, it's this; they're the only ones who would think to solve a safety problem with explosions.

What You're Probably Thinking:

We're eventually going to find out that submarines have screen doors, aren't we?

Maybe there is such a thing as headlight fluid ...

After all, a flashlight that runs on solar power would come in very handy in situations when you need a flashlight not to actually light anything (since it's broad daylight), but, like, to show people that you own one or to generally be a dick. Otherwise, it's a completely useless item and yet another depressing sign that we will just buy any goddamned thing.

Actually ...

Ask a U.S. Marine in Iraq or a Navy SEAL in Afghanistan how awesome solar-powered flashlights are -- they use them all the time. These flashlights can be charged up only during daytime, but no one says you have to use them right away. They work the same way as solar panels, collecting power and storing it for later use (as in "when it's dark"). So these are almost as good as regular flashlights, right? Wrong: They're much, much better.

They aren't quite as good for clubbing unruly hippies, though.

For the troops, letting the flashlight charge itself during the day is much more practical than having to carry (and dispose of) a bunch of stupid batteries. And rechargeable flashlights don't help you much in a country where electricity is scarce and unreliable.

But that's not even the main reason solar-powered flashlights are so awesome: that would be the fact that they help poor people in Africa not explode:

They also allow them to work after sunset, do schoolwork and see where they're going without treading on anything that might bite their legs off, but the not exploding part is definitely the highlight for us. It goes like this: Loads of African people have no electricity and therefore must rely on old petroleum generators for light and power. These generators are in pretty shitty condition, and since they're maintained by pretty much whoever happens to be standing in their proximity, they tend to blow up. Like, a lot.

So, come sundown, the people have two options: make their way through darkness and possibly stumble on a sleeping African lion, or flip a light switch that may or may not have been rigged with a bomb. What do you do? What do you do?

It's the sort of conundrum Keanu Reeves might find himself in.

BoGo Lights spares them that choice by giving away one solar-powered flashlight to poor people in Africa (or U.S. troops, if you prefer that) for every purchased one.

Holy shit, is there anything else out there we should feel bad for mocking?

Real inflatable anchors are widely used as anchoring methods for sea areas with a bottom composed of sand or soft clay, where ordinary anchors struggle to find hold. So how the hell do they work? It's simple logic, really: If you fill the anchor with air before sinking it, it will be completely useless, but if you bury it deep in the soil and then inflate it, it will lodge so hard into the ground that its pullout resistance will be superior to that of a regular anchor.

Not only that, they're also easier to retrieve, since all you have to do is take the air out and suddenly that impressive pullout resistance disappears. The anchor is able to come out as easily as it went in, probably giving the soil some excuse about having to get up early in the morning.

OK, so this system is way too impractical to use in your average fishing boat. We admit it. That's why inflatable anchors are mainly used for less-exciting stuff, like securing giant offshore structures and remote-controlled science robots.

And you can buy one now for just $69.99.

At least, say, a sweater or little dog boots could be claimed to have some application (maybe your dog gets cold? And you don't want him tracking shit into your house?), but if you saw Paris Hilton walking a dog that's wearing strap-on sunglasses, you'd weep for Western civilization. Just look at the fucking Doggles website:

As seen on Regis and Kelly indeed.

Actually ...

The thing is, Doggles aren't meant for your dog. They're utility goggles for search-and-rescue dogs, police dogs and even military dogs.

Like Lt. Col. Ruffles here.

What shielded war dogs' eyes from the effects of desert sandstorms in Iraq and Afghanistan? Doggles. In the aftermath of 9/11, what protected the search-and-rescue dogs from being eye-raped by dangerous debris dust? You guessed it: fuckin' Doggles. Feel silly for making fun of them yet? That's because Doggles have done more for mankind than you ever will.

So has this dog. And that red thing, whatever it is.

Sure, the company that makes them also sells pink Chihuahua sunglasses, but the thing to remember here is that Doggles as fashion items are just an unfortunate byproduct. They are sold for pet owners much in the same way Hummers are sold for civilian use -- as unnecessary gadgets for schmucks with way too much money and no sense of ridicule whatsoever.

Like this stupid bitch.

But not all goggles-wearing dogs are the victims of obliviously cruel owners: Doggles can be used to help dogs with eye conditions, too. In one case, they saved the life of a dog that can't produce tears, a painful condition that's usually resolved with a one-way trip to the vet.

We'll stop making fun of dogs in party hats, too, just in case.

Pauli is a freelance writer who may or may not be secretly amazing. Visit him at The Unpronounceable, or have a go at his other Cracked articles here.

The secrets don't stop here, learn more in the brand new Cracked.com book! And once you get that book, make sure you take a picture of yourself with it, then upload it to our Facebook fan page for a chance to win $250!

For more ridiculous products, check out The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy and 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick.

And stop by Linkstorm to see these products instantly defiled.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!